Exhausted from social interaction and not wanting to interact with others

I work part time at the weekend in retail. It takes nearly a week to recover before I go back to work.  It’s exhausting.

I totally agree with you Extra,  the language or the words we use are extremely powerful, very powerful indeed. 

I also agree that, up until a point, we are all a product of our upbringing and our environments etc etc, that point being, until we are able to think for ourselves and make our own decisions. 

You learned a great way of dealing with the type of behaviour you mentioned ~ walking away ~ this is often the absolute best course of action  and it can often take a lot of courage, so well done, I’m still working on this one! 

If everyone in a room agrees, silently or not, that I’m weird, burdensome or annoying etc etc then that simply means that everyone in the room agrees that I’m all of those things, it doesn’t mean that I am those things, just that some of the people, in fact all of the people in that room, apart from me, thinks those things about me, but it doesn’t make it true. 

It's not a causal relationship - ie they're not manipulating your neurons. My theory is that we're all somewhat shaped by the language we speak and the culture(s) we grew up in and language has power. For example, you can show that when people shout an expletive on, say, stubbing a toe, they actually feel better, at least momentarily. The word has power.

I don't know if you were ever bullied in the particular form of a couple of boys grabbing your school hat and throwing it to each other so that it's hard for you to catch - if you complain they laugh more, if you try to catch it, they aggressively make it impossible to get into the 'loop' so you could retrieve your hat - participate on an equal basis? I learned the only way to deal with this was to walk away - eventually someone would return the hat. Language can be used like that - if everyone in the room silently agrees that you're weird/burdensome/annoying then that's what you are. No amount of struggling to catch what's going on, complaining or crying will change it. All you can do is walk away - but in the case of family gatherings this solution is a little drastic.

The kinds of pain an intimacy can inflict is another thing I think?

That’s interesting, how did the person or persons make you feel something against your will? I thought it had never happened to me but it did once when I was in a particular relationship. I’m just wondering how people manage to do that to you, was it when you was in a close intimate relationship, like I was? 

I have been made to feel like that, that am not normal, I learnt the hard way but beginning to be able to keep distance from such people. I find socialising it isn't too bad if your in good company where you know you can be yourself and difference is seen as a positive and do not really have to mask much otherwise it can be exhausting trying to be normal. 

I don’t know how somebody else can make you feel in a way that’s different to how you’re feeling. It’s obviously a trait I don’t share with you, but I honestly don’t know how that happens or what it feels like. 

It did happen to me once, when I was in the relationship with the guy with narcissism. I began to notice that I was somehow taking on his fears and insecuritites, but to a degree, I thought they were mine. It was very weird, but interesting as well. 

As is this. That’s the only time somebody has been able to some how take over my mind though and make me feel in a way that they wanted me to feel or somehow made me feel like their issues were mine. It’s interesting that happens to you when you’re around certain people. 

That must be very difficult. It almost cracked me up when it was happening to me and that was only with one person and for a limited amount of time.

I do feel human.  What I mean is... how they can make you feel.  Inadequate, sub-normal, not keeping up.

It comes back to the old dog and cat analogy: some people can understand that you're a cat and accept you as a cat; others just see you as a poor excuse for a dog.  It's a denial of your essential self.

Here, I'm accepted as being a cat.  Out there, I'm not.  Not so much, anyway.

I’m sorry you don’t feel human Tom. I know that feeling all too well. Before I got my diagnosis, I never felt like I was human. It’s very sad. I don’t like to think of anybody feeling that way. Did the diagnosis not go anyway to helping you feel human? 

‘I feel frustrated when someone speaks to me, I am polite to people and pretend I'm interested however deep down I wish they would leave me be because socialising tires me out’ ~ it’s perfectly ok to want to look after yourself and to keep to only a small number of people to spend time with. I currently spend all my time by myself, because that’s what I’ve needed due to a burn out. 

You don’t have to explain yourself to anybody but neither do you have to tell lies by putting on a false persona of pretending to be interested in them when you’re not. 

That’s unkind on them and you. If you can’t tell a person you can’t engage with them right now, write it out on a piece of card and carry it with you, so when you come across somebody who wants to speak you you, and you don’t want to speak to them, just show them the card.

My autism worker gave me a bracelet. One of those rubber things. One side is green and says I’m happy to talk and the other is red and says please leave me alone. So when I don’t want to speak or can’t reliably have a conversation, I show people the red side and they leave me be. 

How is anybody to know that you want to be left alone if you’re pretending to like them and enjoy their company? 

‘My boyfriend has been spending far far too much time with his parents, they are nice people but SOOO annoying!! His dad is very grumpy. His mum is such an over the top extrovert, everything has to be HER way and she's always taking photos of us every 2 seconds to show off on facebook and I am sick of it. I can't stand extroverts I'm sorry.

And I am feeling more distressed because my mum keeps pressuring me to organise a get together with my boyfriend's parents and I don't want to. I simply cannot cope with big family get-togethers, I'm sorry but I am really not interested in them’ ~ 

How do you know your boyfriend is spending too much time with his parents? What’s the cut off point? Three hours a week, four or maybe just 15 minutes per week would be the correct amount of time he should spend there? And who gets to decided how much time is ok for him and how much is too much? And who monitors it?

His parents aren’t annoying, per se, it is simply that you feel annoyed in their company because you would prefer not to be. But you would rather pretend you do want to be there instead of being brave enough to tell them that you need to not be around too many people just now. Don’t project your anger on to other people, or you’ll never solve your dilemmas. 

‘I have to go to a family birthday party next weekend and I am anxious as hell!! I've made too many "I'm ill" excuses to get out of them in the past and I know I can't get out of this one’ ~ yes you can. You can simply be honest. Tell them you’re autistic and as such, these types of occasions are difficult at the best of times and right now, is not the best of times and I’m really sorry, I really appreciate the invitation, but I’m going to have to decline in order to look after myself. I wish you all a lovely time. 

‘my grandparents are so rude and tactless and say blunt and hurtful things’ ~ sounds like they could be on the spectrum. It sounds like typical autistic behaviour. 

‘And they will be sucking up to my sister the whole time’ ~ like you suck up to them, pretending you like their company while all the time you’re secretly hating it? 

‘It sucks because my family look down on me for my diagnosis, so most of the time I've tried to wind them up even more by rebelling and doing things I know would make them absolutely furious as a means of coping’ ~ that’s sad that they look down on you, it must be a confused mind that thinks it is better than another person. It’s also sad that you don’t try and show them who you are, so they have a chance of getting to know you, and instead you treat them very badly and give them the impression that you’re not a very nice person. Which isn’t true, but that’s how it appears to a nt person. 

‘They resent me so I resent them back’ ~ how is that tactic working out for you? 

‘How on earth do I cope at all these GOD AWFUL family meet ups eurgh’ ~ you simply don’t go.  You find the courage and strength to honour yourself and say no, I’m not going. Most of us need support to do this, so seek out some support. 

‘I honestly don't mean to sound ungrateful for my family -but you can't help it when they are so rude and disrespectful especially towards my diagnosis’ ~ maybe they think you’re rude and disrespectful according to how they view your behaviour towards them? 

It sounds like you need some support, like most of us, with our self esteem and to learn how to go about saying no to people. Contact the NAS helpline to see if they can point you in the right direction. Your family may never change, but you can change, you can find the courage to say no. 

Good luck. I’m still learning and so far my best tactic has been to never talk to a single soul so I’m never in the position of having to say no! Lol! It’s working out though. Without the constant mind attack and stress of trying to say no, I can see clearer and I’m working out ways of not being in the position of doing things I don’t want to do just because I can’t say no or I don’t know what else to do! If that makes sense! Lol! It’s a work in progress :) 

@moolyhoops I know exactly what you mean, my family treats me like a weird intrusion at family gatherings and I found my own behaviour getting tangled up with their negative expectations when I was young. I've learned to separate my sense of self somewhat and lost the urge to fulfil their prophesy that I'm mad and bad. My sister is really kind but even she behaves as though I might 'go off' in some unpredictable way. It's so exhausting I usually spend christmas etc alone.

I'm not sure how I gradually pulled away from their gravity, but when they say (or imply) crappy things about you, ask yourself consciously whether you agree or even respect their opinion (of course you don't) - I find it weakens the power of these things to hurt, maybe by consciously re-asserting your own mind. About the general ambience of alienation and abjection the only cure is to avoid the situation.

I've asked family members to meet me one-on-one as groups are hard for me - my sister is the only one who will. So that's fine, they can't accommodate me so if they value my needs so little, why should I accommodate their preferred form of contact?

You don't say what b/f thinks? Maybe a serious and honest talk about the limits of your social capacity is needed?

Have you ever watched a group of lads working on a car? It's as autistic as you can get - no eye contact, the focus is on the car, the conversation is all technical chat about spanner sizes and turbo boost levels. No politics or anything. It's very relaxing. Until a girl arrives.

Hi Moolyhoops,

I'm not surprised that you hate family get-togethers if they look down on you because of your diagnosis.  How do they do this?  Ridicule you? Refuse to talk about it?  Regard you as sub-normal and as such have nothing of value to say?  I can't be around anyone like that.  My diagnosis has distanced me from most of my family.  But I don't need to be around negative, uncaring people - as if I don't feel bad enough about myself.  I need to be around people who want to include me, who are genuinely understanding, who can accept me on my own terms... who make me feel better about myself.  Who make me feel human.

I find human interaction tiring, too.  I avoid it as much as I can, and try to keep it at a phatic level - which seems very superficial, but there it is.  I spent most of Christmas alone - just a couple of hours with my niece and her family on Christmas Day, when I'd had a bit to drink anyway, and enjoyed playing a few daft games and having a laugh.  I was glad to get home, though, and be alone with my cat.

The only place that I really have no choice but to spend time with other people is at work.  I always find that enervating.  I'm always glad to get home in the evening and shut the door.

You're not alone!  Not in that sense, anyway.