Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi folks, just having a moan and looking for a bit of support really.
Things are awful between me and my wife at the moment. We've been growing apart for years now. We just don't share the same interests any more. We can't communicate. We've had three different therapists offering us counselling without much improvement.
It feels like it's the end of the line for our marriage. Twenty five years we've been together. Two kids and a mortgage together. To feel it all slowly slipping away is excruciating. Every time there's a glimmer of hope something happens to mess it all up. It's like we can't get on the same page.
I've got my issues and both the kids are ASD too. I know it must be hard for her at times. I always feel like the one in the wrong but I know it's not all my fault. I know some of the issues I have with her are valid but I can't communicate well enough to put my viewpoint across. Whatever I say comes out wrong and just seems to make things worse. I'm awful at any kind of face to face confrontation.
Last weekend I got a bit drunk and I ended up self harming quite badly. We haven't spoke much since. I suppose things will get better but it feels hopeless at times like this. I wonder if I should move out sometimes.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Hi
I've been lurking on this forum to learn more about how to help a friend of mine as he is on the spectrum and has very little support, but your post prompted me to register so I could reply to you. I'm not sure how useful you'll find it, but your marriage sounds like it may be heading the same way as mine went, so I figured it was worth a shot.
One problem you may have is that women in particular, used to be discouraged from doing anything that rocks the boat, and that includes hobbies. My husband of 30-odd years would have to think very, very hard if he had to tell anyone what I like doing since he always decided what we did when we first got together. I was so happy to spend any time at all with him, so even going for drives (which he loves and I loathe since I get car sick and hate him speeding) was better than not spending time with him, so if that was what he wanted to do I used to go along with it. He still thinks I like going out for drives, even though within minutes I would go very quiet, having to concentrate on not being sick. Needless to say I decline the offer these days.
If you want to surprise her with something, can you think back to when you first met and got together: what did SHE like doing then? What hobbies did she have at the time, ones you maybe didn't share? If prompted that way my husband remembers I used to ride a lot, I even trained as a Riding Instructor so I could ride clients' horses before and after work since I never had the money to have one myself. If you can find something she used to do for herself and get her something related to that, that may go down better than an unrelated surprise gift.
I agree with Ellie that writing things down can be very helpful, and if you frame it that you cannot think of all these things in face-to-face conversations, since she knows what issues arise from ASD she should be understanding.
The main problem is that both work at different times and go to bed at different times, so communication is even more important. Don't give up hope, if you both want to make it work, that is the single most important thing!
You don't say how old your kids are, but I assume they are not very young anymore. It is very easy when you are the one caring for them and they are young to get so bogged down with their constant requirements that you not only lose the connection with your partner but even with yourself, if that makes any sense. A meal out away from kids, as Plastic suggests, may be welcome, but if she goes to bed early maybe make it early enough so she gets to sleep at the normal time?
Hello and welcome! I haven't been posting on here for long myself. Seems like a nice little community though.
Thanks for the advice. She does like a massage so I've got that on the Christmas list. We try to meet for lunch once a month as well but we've let it slip a few times.
We are both committed to trying to stay together. As you say communication is important and something I really struggle with. I have quite a bit going on mental health wise too. I probably see things as worse than they are. I'm a bit more hopeful now than I was when I started this thread. Writing things down and getting feedback has worked so thanks to you and Ellie and Plastic for the kind words.
Hi Joe, I can't really add much more than Plastic and Ellie, other than to say it does work. I had a huge breakdown 3 years ago that nearly broke my marriage, but it's the little things that can make the biggest difference just trying to find some time to watch tv together can help you reconnect. It was actually my wife who suggested I was autistic and I ended up diagnosed 2 years ago. If you both want to make it work you will make it, just don't give up on each other. Don't get me wrong we still bicker about whose turn it is to load the dishwasher and the stupid things but it doesn't escalate. Being able to tell each other when you aren't feeling mentally great is a big thing because of the trust it shows.
Keep going
Dan
Hi Joe I'm in my late 50s, female and I have been married for 10 years. I was diagnosed with ASD four weeks ago. My first marriage ended badly - I can now see the impact ASD had. I am determined to do everything I can to avoid this marriage disintegrating.
The psychologist who diagnosed me explained to us both how easy it is for miscommunication to happen in a marriage. She gave us useful diagrams explaining stress and crisis management, and showing how easily anger and depression can result from sensory overload.
We went to Relate for the first time the other evening but that went badly. Ironically we ended up having a huge row when we got home. We are now looking for a counsellor who is more aware of how autism affects our communication.
Seemed to me reading what you wrote you must be absolutely exhausted - self-soothing and recharging batteries is vital for autistic people. Balancing time together and time apart is also vital.
I realise you are not diagnosed yet, but it may be helpful to start adapting your life anyway. Reducing stress, avoiding meltdowns, shutdowns and burnout will improve your relationship with your wife and help your marriage to thrive.
It is so easy for the fun to get squeezed out of a relationship by stress and strain. We then forget the things that connected us in the first place.
I am using a workbook called Living Well on the Spectrum to understand myself better. It is good because it highlights strengths as well as problems associated with ASD.
The book is explaining to me why I sometimes misinterpret things, see things negatively and assume the worst. It is making me feel so much better!
If you can work out the cause of your mental distress and start to tackle that, I am sure your relationship with your wife will improve enormously. It is likely to have a lot to do with autism.
Your wife must be exhausted too. Finding a way you can both take the pressure off yourselves is probably the key to enjoying each other's company again.
Whilst treats and meals out can lead to temporary improvement more fundamental changes in the way you live your lives may be needed to give your marriage a strong foundation for the future.
It can be hard work doing all this, especially when autism messes with communication, but keeping a marriage alive is worth fighting for.
Wishig you both all the very best.