Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been referred for an assessment by my GP and haven't told anyone else. I'm in my thirties and have been married for nearly a decade.
Last month I saw a post on social media about female autistic traits and surprisingly, I could relate to every one of them. I started researching and spoke to someone at NAS and took the AQ test they advised. I scored 37. It was like a slow dawning, where all my sensory quirks and social anxieties and list-making connected into something larger. Before that, I wouldn't have believed I was autistic. Last week I realised that some of my behaviours could be labelled as stimming - (I've always had these but previously thought were part of my overall 'weirdness').
I haven't told my husband. I think that if I said I might be autistic, he wouldn't believe me (I struggled to believe it at first). He's not unkind or cruel.
I'm worried about telling him, in case I am assessed and I don't get an autism diagnosis. Then, I'd have to accept that I am just weird and I'd feel embarrassed at exposing a part of me that I've worked my whole life to keep hidden.
I'm assuming they'll want to speak to him at the assessment, so I've got to tell him at some point.
Any advice on how to tell a partner or family member about a referral?
Hi there I am 58, female, married and got diagnosed with ASD just over 3 weeks ago.
I am trying to remember how I first broached the subject of getting assessed with my husband. I think it was after I did the AQ and EQ questionnaires and my scores strongly suggested autism. I told him how different autism looks in women and how much I fitted the profiles of other autistic women I was reading about.
By the time I told my husband I was sure that I wanted to be assessed. That was important because his first instinct was that it would not be a good thing for me to be labelled. I talked him round a bit but he was still feeling quite negative at the meeting when I got told I was autistic. He said to the psychologist that he supposed the autism diagnosis was a good thing for me, but it still made him feel anxious.
Sometimes there is an initial meeting to determine if a full autism assessment is appropriate. That was the case for me and I only told my parents, siblings and adult children once the full assessment was underway. I read somewhere that if an adult self refers for autism assessment they are almost always diagnosed, whereas if someone else encourages the person to get assessed they are a little less likely to meet the criteria. As the assessment went on I got more confident that I would be diagnosed.
I did not want to tell one of my manager's at work until I was absolutely sure I was autistic. In fact I still haven't told her. This is because she was really dismissive when I mentioned to her that I thought I might be autistic a few months ago. She was also very hostile about making any accommodations for my hearing loss and Dupuytren's Disease, accusing me of using my disability to avoid tasks I don't like. I found this really upsetting as I am incredibly conscientious and hard working (much more so than my colleagues). I am dreading bringing autism into the equation, but I will have support from my Union rep and Access to Work.
It is very early days for me and things are up and down as I make sense of my life and plan for the future. I have never once regretted getting diagnosed - I am relieved to know the struggles I endured over so many years weren't due to weakness or weirdness at all!
I don't know how long the waiting list is here. I'm waiting for the initial letter at the moment so I don't know what the process is. I understand this can vary in different areas. If there is an initial meeting, that would be helpful to me as I can ask questions about the process.
I'm not sure that my husband will be negative. Incredulous, maybe. He's not the type of person to read/research ideas and prefers just 'getting on with it'. So it would be good to explain female traits to him when I speak to him.
If the waiting list is long, I might not tell him until nearer the time. There is no rush.