When High Functioning means that there’s an expectation to be beyond human

I don't like the terms either, but we seem to be stuck with them.  My understanding is that we are 'high-functioning' in comparison to people with autism who also have learning disabilities to a greater or lesser degree: people who need support in all aspects of their daily lives.

But it also, to me, implies a comparison with neurotypicals (i.e. we function well, but not as well as they do).

I think I know what you mean, though.  For me, it seems to be the expectation that because I can do many of the important things that NTs can do - hold down a job, drive a car, manage a household budget, operate a computer - I should therefore also be able to understand and respond to things as they do. I should be able to manage certain situations better.  But I can't.  Part of my current problem, with the bullying at work, is getting my managers - including people who really ought to know better, such a those in the behaviour team - to understand that I can't just let things go over my head, I can't just ignore silly comments, I can't work around people who seem to be going out of their way to make life difficult for me.  I had to send the Behaviour Manager a research paper about autism, trauma and PTSD in an effort to help her to understand that 'trauma' to me can be what most people would regard as trivial: that I have a lower threshold for it, and am much more sensitive to it.

I hate this tendency many NTs have to 'normalise' things.  Everyone gets bullied.  Everyone has tough days.  Everyone experiences anxiety.  We're in the minority, so we don't have a lot of back-up support, whereas they are in the majority and have each other to confirm that my responses are faulty or inappropriate.  I had a colleague the other day tut-tut when a service user covered his ears as an ambulance went screaming past, sirens blaring.  'You'd think he'd have gotten used to it by now,' she said.  I had to point out the obvious.  He's hypersensitive to loud noises.  There is no getting used to it.  Another colleague said about another service user, whose daily routine was hugely interrupted, 'He needs to learn that he cannot always do what he wants to do when he expects to do it.'   What am I missing here?  Who are these people?

If I can't even get understanding, acceptance and appropriate support in an autism facility, what hope is there for any of us?

Sorry... that was a whinge!

I currently work two jobs, been offered a third and my OH now suggested that I take on a forth (a business), I also do all the domestic chores and support my son. 

OH does not work... but as I have a skill set I seem to find myself as the high performing monkey when in fact I’m an elephant currently receiving support for anxiety and depression - these latter facts seems to have been ignored 

I suspect what you're actually suffering is what I call "the curse of competence."  Everybody else is allowed to be incompetent, but because you're actually competent you end up having to cover everybody else's incompetence.  I suspect if we were better at "the social game" we would be better able to extract ourselves from this but the ...

I suspect what you're actually suffering is what I call "the curse of competence."  Everybody else is allowed to be incompetent, but because you're actually competent you end up having to cover everybody else's incompetence.  I suspect if we were better at "the social game" we would be better able to extract ourselves from this but the ...

He has now equity.... he has an interest only mortgage and remortgaged several times over so this is unlikely.

In terms of physical capability. He got up this morning at 8am.. and went back to bed at 10am..  He will get up later just before I get home  from work.

In the past the phrase oft used was "Why bark when you have a dog"

His job was physical, he has been looking at driving jobs but lost his licence for 6 months a while back so although he now has a clear licence it is still on his record for another 12 months... if he is using an employers car....

Not that IT savvy, probably dyslexic, also needs both knees replacing..

Plain-speaking - but maybe appropriate. It depends, as Windscale says, on the individual circumstance.  Clearly, there is some level of incapacity and need if Ellie's partner is claiming a PIP.

Does you partner have an OT, Ellie?  Is there some sense that he has capacity - such as in being able to do administrative work associated with the running of a business?  I know a few disabled people who still manage to work from home and provide support to partners.  It depends on the skills he has to offer.  And the willingness, of course, to offer them.  If, on the other hand, he has been used to making a living from physical work that he is no longer capable of doing, it could be more problematic.  But he could retrain, maybe, for something else.  Business Admin, etc.

Something to be mindful of is the energy needed to go through the ASD assessment process. I was fortunate that my assessment coincided with an ankle injury, so I was off work not juggling five part-time jobs at the time. After the initial elation of getting a diagnosis there's the 'coming to terms with things' stage which can be quite unsettling and exhausting. 

Try to make sure you keep enough time and energy for yourself amidst all these other demands. I pushed myself far too much at work over the last few months and I am struggling to get going again now. Autism burnout is a real thing and it can catch us unawares if we don't guard against it.

I have been given some clear guidelines by the psychologists now, which makes it much easier to say 'no'! 

I'm assuming he has a mortgage on the property, Ellie.  Even so, with price inflation, he probably has some level of equity in the property.  I don't know the law governing buy-to-let, but maybe there's a way in which he could release some of that equity.  Or, if it comes to it, sell the property to get full access to any equity tied up in it.  Desperate situations often call for desperate measures - but property is a good asset to fall back on.

"Exactly what are you bringing to this party, sunshine?"

If he's injured, then what is he doing to fix that? Exercises? Fitness training? Nope?

What's he doing to bring some cash in? Buying/selling on Ebay, working from home? Nope?

Sitting like a spud on the sofa all day? Yes?

Then it's not a partnership, it's a parasite.

I don't know what your personal situation is, and ofc it's none of my business :-). But I would say I think it very much depends on the exact circumstances.

I can see that asking you make a short-term sacrifice to help get over a difficult period may not be unreasonable.  That probably depends on the likelihood of reciprocation if the shoe were on the other foot though. If it's always the same person having to make the accommodations then...   In that circumstance though, I can see that a certain amount of belt-tightening also wouldn't be unreasonable.

But if it's more than a short-term thing.  And if you have the impression that there's some element of "leeching" going on, then I think serious consideration of the reasonableness is warranted, perhaps with some amount of "time to stop leeching and stand on your own two-feet sunshine!"

Can he not see that you have your limits, as we all have?  You have a condition, too, that imposes limits on what you're capable of.  If your health breaks down through exhaustion, what has he gained?

.... hes not worked since March (he needed a spinal operation and spent most of the summer in hospital)...now his money is running out.  Rather than make savings or small to smaller digs etc etc it seems from his perspective reasonable to ask me to step up.

His only income at the moment is from the residual rent money (post bills) of his own property and income from PIP. 

It sounds like you already have a superhuman amount on your plate.  That's more than many people could cope with.  I know I couldn't.  Why does he want you to set up a business on top of everything else?

In John Steinbeck's novel The Pearl (spoiler alert) a pearl fisher finds a huge pearl and tries to sell it to one of the pearl buyers back on land.

The pearl buyers heard about the massive, invaluable pearl found in the area and agreed among themselves not to pay the pearl fisher what the pearl was worth — or anywhere close.

That's how it can be sometimes with the curse of competence. Nobody wants to recognize the top performer's value — in case the employee figures out that the company needs them, and starts making demands!

I have value, and am being asked to do more and more but also it is ensured that I perpetuate a low self worth.  As, if my value was noted (gosh this sounds arrogant!).

My whinge at posting is that I hold a full time job, a part time job, look likely to be offered a writing job and my OH sat me down on Saturday morning to mute a business model and then told me that it would be me setting up the business, it would be my business.

BTW - he does not work!  

There seems a distinct lack of acknowledging that I am in fact human - i.e. I get tired, I have my own needs and interests etc and am not just a Nexus 6 replicant 

Grrrrrrr….. :)

I suspect you're supposed to be a user of the service rather than a provider of the service.  You probably don't fit what the normie norms want as an employee/colleague.

Yes.  And what isn't properly understood is that, although we can be very competent under certain circumstances (such as when we aren't feeling bullied or intimidated), just the smallest thing - a sarcastic comment, for example - can have a profound effect.  What might be a scratch to some is an open wound to us.  And then it changes things.  I can be excellent at my job.  But as soon as I'm feeling intimidated or otherwise negatively pressured, I mess up and look like a fool.

Like I said - if I can't get appropriate support and understanding in an autism facility... where can I get it?  Here is the only place.