Just found out I am autistic

Hello,

So much of my life makes sense now! At least in terms of the mistakes I’ve made and why I act so what I have at times. For years I honestly thought I was just a bad person at times. I couldn’t make sense of my own emotions or other peoples. 

I’ve just lost my girlfriend who I really loved more than anything. She has joked in the past that I was autistic and I just took it as an insult. 

I caused so many problems in our relationship. Main issues were I couldn’t be spontaneous, I hated my routines being broken, inability to understand why I’ve upset her, struggled to make change when she gave up. Things I really wanted to change but I just couldn’t do it alone! I lashed out at her and I must have seemed like a horrible person at times. I struggled with showing my love for her and feelings unless we were having an argument. She knew that was the only time it would really come out of me. 

I never understood my condition. I just couldn’t grasp why I was acting the way I did at times. I’m sure she couldn’t either and I knocked her confidence down. 

I am not someone who makes excuses or uses a condition as an excuse. Of course there have been times where I’ve just been in a bad mood. 

So much makes sense now and looking back at the relationship I’m beyond frustrated that now I know why I was getting upset. Now I know I’m not crazy and I could deal with it so much better. I could really make it work and I am not a naive person. 

I just hope she understands and can give it a chance. She is a lovely person and very patient and understanding. I really hope she has some left in her and doesn’t think it’s just an excuse. 

I just don’t know how to go about explaining to her and asking for some understanding. I feel like a different person watching my old self struggle and act out. I just needed help. 

Thanks for reading. 

  • I suggest you try a hand written letter. Be honest about your shortcomings and your feelings about the diagnosis. The physicality of an actual letter and unusual (these days) method of communicating, will be less threatening for her than the media of emails and social internet, and less likely to be deleted.