Just found out I am autistic


So much of my life makes sense now! At least in terms of the mistakes I’ve made and why I act so what I have at times. For years I honestly thought I was just a bad person at times. I couldn’t make sense of my own emotions or other peoples. 

I’ve just lost my girlfriend who I really loved more than anything. She has joked in the past that I was autistic and I just took it as an insult. 

I caused so many problems in our relationship. Main issues were I couldn’t be spontaneous, I hated my routines being broken, inability to understand why I’ve upset her, struggled to make change when she gave up. Things I really wanted to change but I just couldn’t do it alone! I lashed out at her and I must have seemed like a horrible person at times. I struggled with showing my love for her and feelings unless we were having an argument. She knew that was the only time it would really come out of me. 

I never understood my condition. I just couldn’t grasp why I was acting the way I did at times. I’m sure she couldn’t either and I knocked her confidence down. 

I am not someone who makes excuses or uses a condition as an excuse. Of course there have been times where I’ve just been in a bad mood. 

So much makes sense now and looking back at the relationship I’m beyond frustrated that now I know why I was getting upset. Now I know I’m not crazy and I could deal with it so much better. I could really make it work and I am not a naive person. 

I just hope she understands and can give it a chance. She is a lovely person and very patient and understanding. I really hope she has some left in her and doesn’t think it’s just an excuse. 

I just don’t know how to go about explaining to her and asking for some understanding. I feel like a different person watching my old self struggle and act out. I just needed help. 

Thanks for reading.