In desperate need of advice

Thanks Sunflower I will look into that

Hi Whats-His-Face. I was looking at he Relate site just now and discovered they offer free online chat with a counsellor - never knew this - seems like a good source of advice and support with relationship stuff:

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/talk-someone/live-chat-counsellor

Thats so true

Yea I will definitely start taking them. 

I spend 90% of my time lately on Xbox or twitch as this is how I recoup. Unfortunately I haven’t been able since Monday due to being kicked out so I’m not getting a chance to get some energy back. 

www.blurtitout.org/.../

I’m glad ur monitor has aloud you to post this reply lol. 

I wish I could be kinder to myself but I am my worst critic. 

When I had my feedback session with the psychologist she explained energy accounting which is where you have to balance activities that drain you with those that recharge you. A mistake lots of us make is to think we can run on empty - we can't. In order to keep on going we have to recharge. It isn't selfish or lazy, it's essential, but it can be hard to get other people to see it that way especially when 'recharging' means having time on our own away from them. 

As well as helping reduce anxiety there's some research suggesting that Propanalol may help with executive function. I can't remember all the detail but there seemed to be a positive effect on performance when carrying out certain tasks. If this is true it's an added bonus! 

Hi Jason I have been following this thread very closely, it resonates very much with me, I cannot say to much as I am being monitored continually (hi monitor) .I so wanted to reply, I still do, but I rarely reply to anything especially when it involves relationships .

just wanted to say yes I get what’s happening to you, also most of what sunflower has said is not unknown to me, 

I am not diagnosed, I had intended to but when I asked if a true response about who I am, and how I behave would be given the reply I got was “ depends if your going to use autism as an EXCUSE?”.

In that case I shall not bother trying.

Please be kinder to yourself, I know how you feel, and I know you blame yourself a lot, like you I can give advice but struggle to take my advice.

You are not to blame, a lack of understanding of autism is why we are misunderstood or judged wrongly, they must think we want a life of struggle and anxiety!

@Sunflower, sorry to hear your struggling after the diagnosis, your suggestion of a retreat for time to recharge and settle matches mine, a tent a cave up a tree, even just curled up in a field with a poncho around me,so long as the sky is above and no beings for at least a mile around me, 

take care Jason and you too rose. () ()

I have a bad habit of self destruction, I refused to bring my propanalol with me and seeing u saying they helping I may get them. Unfortunately for me I’m also a pessimist which certainly doesn’t help the situation. 

I think the exhaustion is also a big problem for me too, I’m exhausted of trying to be normal but I’m also exhausted of being autistic. 

Hi Jason, being conflicted and confused about everything seems to be what often happens in the weeks and months after getting diagnosed. I wore my brain out before I got my diagnosis and now I feel shattered. I thought people around me would be glad that there was some clear reason for the stuff that has been difficult between us. Instead it's stirred up some more trouble.

I am at heart an optimist so I think things will settle down. My worst tendency is to want to push things when I should sit back and leave them alone. The exhaustion may be a good thing in some ways - it's deterring me from doing anything much.

I actually phoned somewhere about going on retreat for a few days. It was hilarious because the website sounded like it would be relaxed and friendly. When I phoned up they were full of angst so I decided I'd be better off staying put. If it was warmer I'd go camping. As it is I'm hunkering down at home trying to make sure I get enough alone time to calm me down.

My little pink pills (Propanalol) seem to be making a big difference. If I have to do something stressy the anxiety is still there, waiting to pounce. Give it a bit of time and I am sure things will get a lot better. In the meantime be as kind to yourself as you can. 

Thank you rose that’s a very nice response, I really appreciate it. 

I think what’s making it hard as well is I’m finding it hard to understand why some thing are happening ie what some people are doing, like my wife I understand she needs space to figure this out but at the exact time I don’t understand, I know that may sound confusing, it confuses me. 

Im sorry to hear your having a hard time too. 

Hi Jason

So sorry to hear this - you've got lots going on so it's not surprising you feel like things are falling apart. If you need support tonight there are several organisations you could contact: http://stayingsafe.net/need_help_now

The Samaritans have an email service too: www.samaritans.org/.../what-happens-when-i-email

The period of time after diagnosis with ASD is often full of turmoil as we try to come to terms with things, and the people around us do too. It's good that you are reading up on things and recognising what is going on for you. It's not unusual for burnout to happen just before or just after diagnosis. 

I've had the urge to run away from everyone and everything over the last few weeks but I am trying to hang on in there. You're not alone, we're all here, and we understand how tough it is for you.

Keep safe. 

Rose 

So just a quick update, I’m not going to go into it fully but I’m currently staying at my parents cos my wife needs space and has kicked me out, as a result of this and some other things I know no longer feel I can be comfortable or thst my home is a “safe place” and that the social anxieties I experience in the real world, I now feel these towards wife and home. 

Something has happened today at my parents which as a result I’m also starting to feel uncomfortable and that this place can’t be a safe place for me and I don’t know what to do. 

Ive been doing a lot of reading since Monday and think I’m currently experiencing a massive ‘BURNOUT’. 

I feel I’ve now got nowhere to go to get away from the things that make me bad, I feel I’ve got nowhere to live. My world is crumbling around me. 

Thank you, this is definitely something I should consider well except for the silence part, I hate silence lol 

I do not but I am looking into it.

The psychologist showed me and my husband a diagram of a wall made up of 'stress' building blocks. She explained that if the wall gets too high I will have a meltdown (get angry). I have to plan how I spend my time to keep stress levels low. I also have to do energy accounting recognising which activities drain energy from me and which ones put it back.

A surprising thing the psychologist said was that I need periods of time every day when I am completely alone and in silence. I don't always recognise the strain sensory overload puts me under. We have got a diagram of what to do if a meltdown happens. No communication between us, one of us removes ourself from the area, we don't attempt to discuss things until I'm completely calm.

Like you say sometimes anger comes out of nowhere. The  psychologist described it as being like me going from 0-100mph in a flash. Because of this reducing stress and conserving energy are vital in order to minimise the risk of meltdowns happening in the first place. 

In spite of knowing how all this works in theory it is still not easy to put it into practice. Life is complicated and unpredictable. Relationships can be confusing and exhausting. It's a constant learning process and we need to be kind to ourselves if we get it wrong. 

The walking away is an important part of the strategy we have been given by the psychologist - I do hope that in time your wife can come to see it as a sign that you care. 

Do you get counselling for yourself? Might be helpful.

And you need to say something to the other person like 'It's not you but I need to cool off'. Better yet, explain that you wish tomavoid meltdowns and fights and try to calm down elsewhere. And that is has nothing to do with anyone else's feelings.

It’s strange because even though I am aware that I’m not alone I feel like I’m the only one going through this. I can talk to her but I’m choosing not to now, I’ve dun enough damage txting today and don’t want to do more. 

Ive also had some outside perspective on our conversation(my mum) who has said everything my wife is asking is reasonable and understanding and that the way I see the situation and feel about the situation is my autism speaking and it’s prob not as bad as my brain is convincing me otherwise, only time can tell. 

You’re not alone and please feel some pride in being so honest in your post. Relationships and the ability to sustain them can be a challenge as I find I can’t always read the signals that I’m  doing doing what’s wanted. In terms of sucidal thoughts (again NAS moderators, where are you?) do reach out to the forum here. I have found emailing or speaking to the Samaritans in the past helpful.

can you talk or message your partner? Do you want to? Also, are you able to. Needing time to rehearse a conversation, rebalance your head, is fine too

Thanks for the gd advice, it will be very difficult to step back as sometimes I have no warning signs before anger has taken over, or on the odd occasion when I do catch it and walk away from the situation I’m being “selfish” and not considering my wife’s feelings.