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In desperate need of advice

Whats-His-Face

please bare with me as this is hard for me to write. So I’m 31 and have been struggling my whole life, beginning of 2017 I managed to do a list of all my issues which is here

Problems

•Quick to anger

•Don't stay happy for long

•only see the negatives of life

•Fed up of no one listening to me

•Lack conversational skills

•Don't want to live but don't want suicide

•Have no friends

•Don't think family care about me

•Believe people don't like me

•Can't be arsed to do anything

•No confidence 

•Low self esteem

•Inability to love

•Don't trust anyone

•Don't care bout anyone or myself

•Don't like social situations

•Don't cope well with confrontation with  strangers

•Feel like a teenager

•Rely on Xbox and tv as a way to escape

•lazy

•lack motivation to eat and keep up with personal hygiene 

long story short I showed this to my doctor which led to a diagnosis of aspergers in September this year. I was also referred to therapy, I had an initial interview about a month ago where they record my issues then take it to a panel of psychiatrist who specialise in multiple disciplines. Well they have said they can’t help me as my issues are autism related. 

My question is will I ever rid myself of these issues or am I doomed to live with them for the rest of my life, the reason I ask this is because I walked away from a 12 year relationship today cos I fear I will not change and that it’s not fair on my wife to have to live with me. Before I made this decision, today she has told me she’s under a lot of stress and that she feels she can’t support me and that she’s miserable with the situation we are in. Which is living with in-laws, I’m not working as of October as I lost job whilst on sick due to problems above, she’s under a lot of pressure at work and feels close to a break down plus added pressure from her parents as to y I’m not working. She’s also struggling to understand my diagnosis and can’t deal with the fact that I may be like this forever and was asking for me to try and change which I don’t know if I can. 

I don’t want to leave her but feel I’m being selfish if I stay. 

I’m also thinking of suicide a lot over the last couple of months as I’m exhausted with living in my head. 

Parents

  • So just a quick update, I’m not going to go into it fully but I’m currently staying at my parents cos my wife needs space and has kicked me out, as a result of this and some other things I know no longer feel I can be comfortable or thst my home is a “safe place” and that the social anxieties I experience in the real world, I now feel these towards wife and home. 

    Something has happened today at my parents which as a result I’m also starting to feel uncomfortable and that this place can’t be a safe place for me and I don’t know what to do. 

    Ive been doing a lot of reading since Monday and think I’m currently experiencing a massive ‘BURNOUT’. 

    I feel I’ve now got nowhere to go to get away from the things that make me bad, I feel I’ve got nowhere to live. My world is crumbling around me. 

  • in reply to Whats-His-Face

    Hi Jason

    So sorry to hear this - you've got lots going on so it's not surprising you feel like things are falling apart. If you need support tonight there are several organisations you could contact: http://stayingsafe.net/need_help_now

    The Samaritans have an email service too: www.samaritans.org/.../what-happens-when-i-email

    The period of time after diagnosis with ASD is often full of turmoil as we try to come to terms with things, and the people around us do too. It's good that you are reading up on things and recognising what is going on for you. It's not unusual for burnout to happen just before or just after diagnosis. 

    I've had the urge to run away from everyone and everything over the last few weeks but I am trying to hang on in there. You're not alone, we're all here, and we understand how tough it is for you.

    Keep safe. 

    Rose 

  • in reply to Sunflower

    Thank you rose that’s a very nice response, I really appreciate it. 

    I think what’s making it hard as well is I’m finding it hard to understand why some thing are happening ie what some people are doing, like my wife I understand she needs space to figure this out but at the exact time I don’t understand, I know that may sound confusing, it confuses me. 

    Im sorry to hear your having a hard time too. 

  • in reply to Sunflower

    Thanks I will look into that

  • in reply to Whats-His-Face

    Hi . I was looking at he Relate site just now and discovered they offer free online chat with a counsellor - never knew this - seems like a good source of advice and support with relationship stuff:

    https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/talk-someone/live-chat-counsellor

  • in reply to Sunflower

    Yea I will definitely start taking them. 

    I spend 90% of my time lately on Xbox or twitch as this is how I recoup. Unfortunately I haven’t been able since Monday due to being kicked out so I’m not getting a chance to get some energy back. 

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