In desperate need of advice

Hi Jason

You have done so well to write down how you are feeling, as it's very difficult to do. It's really hard being in a relationship when the pressure builds up. With your diagnosis being fairly recent, plus the job and accommodation issues you've had to deal with, it's not surprising you are both struggling to cope.

I'm 58 now and when I look back on my life things definitely got easier in my 30s and 40s. I was quite late to mature in many ways, and growing older has generally been good for me. I only got my diagnosis 10 days ago and I'm in a 12 year old marriage too.

The psychologist I've been seeing strongly recommended getting support from Relate. Relationships are never easy and when autism is in the mix they tend to be even more complicated. Getting the autism label hasn't really changed me but I am more aware of the risk of accidental miscommunication between me and my husband now.

Switching off the thoughts in my head only really happens when I am asleep or engrossed in something that takes all my attention. In the midst of this turmoil try to do something you find relaxing to deactivate those thoughts.

When things seem as bleak as this it is really important to stay safe. As well as the Samaritans there are other helplines you can call. Even the NHS 111 number can connect you with people who can help if you're in crisis.

The time after diagnosis is very difficult for many people and it is not unusual to feel like this. It's very easy to be sucked into seeing yourself as a collection of issues a small problems not the caring, sensitive complete human being you actually are.

In situations like this it can be helpful to have conversations about the relationship with someone else there. Don't dwell too much on the deficits, try and recognise your positive qualities too. Never lose hope in the possibility of things being better in the future. At 31 you are a young man with lots of life to live. I got married again at the age of 46.

People have told me getting a diagnosis can really mess with your head and it takes some time for things to settle down again. It is still early days for you and there is a lot of stuff to take on board. I would go back to your GP if you can and explain everything that is going on for you at the moment and how bad it makes you feel.

Many of us know just how horrible it is to go through these things. You're not on your own, we're standing alongside you hoping things soon take a turn for the better. It's exhausting and sometimes you just need to stop for a while before you get going again. It's not being lazy, it's a way of surviving.

Do take care.

Rose

Thank you so much for your reply. 

I know it’s not surprising that we both struggling but I don’t understand or I’m finding it hard to accept she wants space from me and is kicking me out instead of trying to tackle the contributing issues. 

I also I’m not the only one that needs help with my diagnosis, my wife does too but I feel it’s too late and the damage is already done. 

Ive been talking to her today via txt but it’s not going well, my rational “normal” brain is being understanding but my “autistic” brain is being angry, saying all the wrong things and making it worse. 

All I want is to go home to her and she won’t let me. I don’t understand and haven’t felt so alone in a very long time. 

It doesn’t help that when I’m with her I’m stupid and won’t allow her to get close out of fear of this happening and as I result I’ve made this happen. 

She also feels she’s failing as a wife since my diagnosis as she doesn’t feel she’s supporting me or knows how too. 

Well over the last hour of talking to her, practically begging her to let me go home, I’ve gone from heart broken too angry too dead inside. Zero emotion. Now I’m scarred there might not be any coming back from this of which I warned her might happen. God I hate my brain

The psychologist I have been seeing warned me and my husband against having conversations about our relationship without another person there to try and keep things calm. Of course I ignored that advice somImhafe been blundering about making things much worse. 

The fear of letting people get close is so deep seated it is hard to overcome. The psychologist said I had to reduce my emotional intensity in order that my husband would feel safe enough to express his feelings. All this is fine in theory but when you are trying to rescue a relationship it is so difficult not to get overwrought.

Looking back on previous failed relationships I realise that I gave up too soon; what was needed was an interpreter to help us understand each other. All too often as autistic people we care deeply for other people but struggle to show it. And other people care deeply for us but we struggle to see it. I am sure there is still a way back, but some outside help may be required.  

Thank you, this is definitely something I should consider well except for the silence part, I hate silence lol 

I do not but I am looking into it.

The psychologist showed me and my husband a diagram of a wall made up of 'stress' building blocks. She explained that if the wall gets too high I will have a meltdown (get angry). I have to plan how I spend my time to keep stress levels low. I also have to do energy accounting recognising which activities drain energy from me and which ones put it back.

A surprising thing the psychologist said was that I need periods of time every day when I am completely alone and in silence. I don't always recognise the strain sensory overload puts me under. We have got a diagram of what to do if a meltdown happens. No communication between us, one of us removes ourself from the area, we don't attempt to discuss things until I'm completely calm.

Like you say sometimes anger comes out of nowhere. The  psychologist described it as being like me going from 0-100mph in a flash. Because of this reducing stress and conserving energy are vital in order to minimise the risk of meltdowns happening in the first place. 

In spite of knowing how all this works in theory it is still not easy to put it into practice. Life is complicated and unpredictable. Relationships can be confusing and exhausting. It's a constant learning process and we need to be kind to ourselves if we get it wrong. 

The walking away is an important part of the strategy we have been given by the psychologist - I do hope that in time your wife can come to see it as a sign that you care. 

The psychologist showed me and my husband a diagram of a wall made up of 'stress' building blocks. She explained that if the wall gets too high I will have a meltdown (get angry). I have to plan how I spend my time to keep stress levels low. I also have to do energy accounting recognising which activities drain energy from me and which ones put it back.

A surprising thing the psychologist said was that I need periods of time every day when I am completely alone and in silence. I don't always recognise the strain sensory overload puts me under. We have got a diagram of what to do if a meltdown happens. No communication between us, one of us removes ourself from the area, we don't attempt to discuss things until I'm completely calm.

Like you say sometimes anger comes out of nowhere. The  psychologist described it as being like me going from 0-100mph in a flash. Because of this reducing stress and conserving energy are vital in order to minimise the risk of meltdowns happening in the first place. 

In spite of knowing how all this works in theory it is still not easy to put it into practice. Life is complicated and unpredictable. Relationships can be confusing and exhausting. It's a constant learning process and we need to be kind to ourselves if we get it wrong. 

The walking away is an important part of the strategy we have been given by the psychologist - I do hope that in time your wife can come to see it as a sign that you care. 

Thank you, this is definitely something I should consider well except for the silence part, I hate silence lol