Published on 12, July, 2020
I work in a office building. I'm one of three women and a man. My job is to answer the phone and use a computer, my day consists of me typing, speaking on the phone and engaging in conversation (help!) with my work colleagues. My friend April who works next to me is really nice and I think she knows there's something different about me because she seems to give me a sort of comforting smile a lot of the time. Work is hard, every day I spend ages making sure I look right for work and change my clothes and redo my hair about fifty times before I finally leave. When I get to work I spend the day feeling anxious because I know I'll have to engage in workplace communication, either work banter or one of my colleagues will ask me if I have a file or if someone called. This sends me in to a massive brain shutdown moment where I spend the next ten minutes trying to think and communicate at the same time, which results in me not finding the right words and just sort of babbling like a baby.
Working is difficult, mostly because of the amount of things I have to do. Focusing, communicating, being out of my safe zone and *shudders* office meetings where I sometimes have to stand up and talk to my colleagues as well as our boss... Usually after a meeting I end up throwing up in the bathroom and have a mini panic attack.
Does anyone else here work and have similar problems to me?
I used to work in a high-tech, ultra-high stress environment. I was used and abused by colleagues & management but I needed the high salary for external commitments. I took it for years until my body started making decisions for me and I became seriously ill, eventually with meningitis.
Luckily, that coincided with the end of the commitments so I was able to take a pay-off to go away.
I'm a used-up, burned out husk now, being unable to work through ill health - but it's far better than having to endure the work environment.
Yes, that sounds familiar. I have lots of conflicting feelings about it but overall I feel relieved to have been able to retire early. Many workplaces seemed to me to be an endurance test!
It was also a mixed blessing to be paid to "go away". Psychologically it took its toll as I felt singled out for rejection, but finally being freed from the necessity of work has actually altered my relationship with the world and a large part of my tension has dropped away.
It possibly even helped in many ways that I had some practice at being paid to go away. I was made redundant 3 times and although at the time this was really stressful and upsetting, in overall terms it paved the way for greater independence financially.
This burnt out husk is very grateful for ill health retirement.
I must say it's much easier to manage my health problems without the pressure of running my life to someone else's clock. And it's nice to use my energy for the things I want to do rather than having it all stolen by other's demands.