Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, so I’m 26 and was diagnosed as autistic several years ago.
I’ve always felt pretty isolated. I feel different and don’t fit in anywhere unless I pretend to be another person, even then I struggle to maintain that for long.
I hate my life and I know that sounds a bit dramatic but I do. I am incredibly fortunate in the sense that I am currently financially stable but I don’t feel fulfilled by my life.
At the moment I work 15 hours in a work placement as well as look after a pony for a few days a week too. I see my parents on a Sunday for a few hours. I don’t really have much in terms of support from my family. Both my parents are seriously ill and my step dad is my mums full time carer.
I feel pathetic saying that I am unhappy because the fact is I have things in my life that I should be pleased about but the reality feels completely different.
I wake in the morning exhausted from a sleep filled with nightmares and racing thoughts. I eat my breakfast and get dressed whilst trying to fight off the belief that I am disgusting and obese. I cant stop myself from thinking constantly about every potential scenario of the day and really struggle to not be in control.
At work I am drained by all the social interaction and because I am constantly suppressing weird, stupid tics and things. When I’ve finished work I come home and I feel overwhelmed by all the household chores, bills, laundry, gardening and cooking. All I want to do is sleep. Then I am alone. I look out my window and feel even more different and even more isolated. I don’t really have any friends and the ones I do, have their own lives and are busy.
I moved into independent accommodation in June and since then I have been trying desperately to pretend that I’m managing better than I feel I am. I can go days where I don’t physically speak to anyone at all, crying on and off all day, to suddenly being invited over to someone’s house and I’m so grateful for their company that I almost feel sick and I don’t want to leave even though I am exhausted, so when I do, it breaks me. I sob on my way home and hate myself for being pathetic.
I started self harming again and when that didn’t help I started drinking to help how I feel. I was hiding how much I was drinking and making it sound like a joke when I was hungover.
I thought I could manage living independently, have a job and just do everything that being an adult entails but I don’t feel like I can. I stopped asking for help and thought if I just pretended like I was managing then I would.
Ive been offered a permanent job where I am working and I was massively excited. I thought it would be the answer to how I feel but in reality the position would mean working shifts with no pattern and to me this feels massive.
I think what I’m trying to somehow ask is, is there anyone else like this? Is this all just because I’m autistic?
At the moment I don’t know who I am and I’m scared that come January when my work placement finishes I’ll be left even more isolated and feeling even worse about myself. I tried to tell someone today that I’m worried about this but she said I was thinking too far ahead but to me it feels as immediate as the coming weekend.
I’m not sure what else to say, sorry. I think I would just like someone to say I’m not alone.
NAS36107 said:I feel pathetic saying that I am unhappy because the fact is I have things in my life that I should be pleased about but the reality feels completely different.
You're not pathetic at all. I know, because I feel the same. You think you should feel grateful for the good stuff - probably because we all often get told 'you should be thankful for what you've got' - but it doesn't work that way. Even for neurotypicals. We, though, have the extra thing of the issues our autism throws up, and which don't affect NTs.
I can see a lot of myself in what you say. As for the thing with work, I would also struggle with shifts. I tried it once in a job and it threw me right out of kilter, and I ended up leaving the job. I need those regular work patterns, and knowing from week to week that they'll be generally stable and constant.
So, no... you're not alone. And you don't have to apologise. We know how it is.
Take care - and keep talking.
Tom
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply I’m getting more and more drained at the moment and feel too exhausted to think clearly. What you’ve said was very kind and It feels like you really understand so thank you for replying.
To be honest, I shouldn't feel unhappy either. BUT I have aways struggled to see why people hang on to life so much. Or are so afraid to die.
Haha! Thanks! Perhaps a lot of it is about acceptance, which is often a hard thing to get - and I still haven't completely arrived at it. There are all sorts of things I wanted to achieve - though there's still time. But I've always liked the simple things, really. I think the only thing that having lots of money would really give me would be the sense of independence to live as I wished and do as I wished. And I still wouldn't want loads. I had some once, and just found it complicated life too much. All these things I could buy, none of which ever bought me any happiness. Except for time. It was nice to have a year out of work (it wasn't a huge sum) and do as I pleased.
Some people might say I'm resigning myself to my situation. Accepting the crumbs from the table. But really... I just prefer it all to be as simple as possible. I like the spiritual life. I could happily be a hermit, living in a hut. As long as I could keep myself fed and watered.
And maybe have an internet conection, too...