Lonliness

The loneliest thing in the world for me is being out with a group of people and the "brain fog" of over-stimulation gradually building until it's completely impossible to follow what's going on. It's even worse when I'm with people who I do really care about, and I would like to join in, but simply can't because my already limited social comprehension has completely deserted me. All of the voices blur into one big noise. I feel like a rock on the shore battered by the waves of a storm. My mind slowly dissociates until my surroundings don't seem quite real. My friends are right there in front of me, yet I feel like I've lost them, and I can miss them profoundly.

The least lonely is when I am alone, utterly hyper-focused on a hobby or music. This is a very different kind of dissociation; my mind no longer seems to occupy the same universe, nor even my own body. I can't be lonely because the concept of other people doesn't exist, and it is a timeless place, so there is no sense of having lost anything, or even that there was ever anything that could have been lost.

I do have some very good friends, a couple also autistic, a couple more possibly so, but mostly neuro-typical as far as I know; all are open-minded and forgiving people, though; possibly the reason why the other autistic friends also became part of this group. Thankfully, they are very understanding of my need for alone time and to avoid over-stimulation; it is never a problem to skip a social event, leave early, or nip outside for a break whenever I need to. I enjoy their company when my mind is able to be more "present", and the group is a wonderful mutual support network.

However, my sanctuary is vital, and I can spend a lot of time alone without the slightest pang of wanting company, as I always have done, even as a child spending endless hours shut away in my room playing with my Lego and my ZX Spectrum while the other kids were playing together. It's not just something that I need for rest and recuperation, I enjoy it in its own right, and get extremely irritated if I'm disturbed from it or I am kept from it by the demands of other people. It's very rare that I would arrange a social event; I drop in on those which come along at the right place and the right time with the right company, but don't feel the need to seek them out.

I don't see why you should wait for other people to make your life happier, instead of taking the initiative yourself.

You can sit back and wait for people to ask you, or you can ask them to come along. Then if you don't like it, you can always go by yourself.

If you feel lonely going to the cinema, then go when it is quiet. I used to go Sunday mornings, when it was quiet and also cheap :-)

And I travelled by myself to several places in Europe. You could always go join a course you like, and make that the aim of your journey. I took language courses and travelled on my days off. It is not as dangerous as you might think at all. 

I went by myself in my twenties (and was and still am female). You just need to keep your eyes open, but it's no different from at home really.

To some degree it is about efficiency and organisation, yes. And I do like routine.

But it is also about not really liking people much. It's fine the first two meetings and then when I have figured out their issues, I always end up thinking they are somewhat stupid for not taking my advice or at least making a decision.

I guess I prefer to stay away from people rather than getting worked up over them.

You can consider me a not so nice person if you like.

Is it about agency and control of environment... the day to day has degrees of chaos.. predictability and routine helps to give balance and calm 

Minus liver and tail! ... no chianti 

But you get to eat the whole birthday cake.

I often do like my own space, without having to socialise or make small talk with people. I can stay in my room for and not talk to anyone for a few days, and sometimes I feel recharged by having my alone time and space.

But sometimes, I do feel lonely being by myself for a very long time, and wish I had a close friend who can understand me, and that we can support each other. 

I often feel lonely at work, because I do most of the work by myself, while other people share projects, therefore have to less work in total, and they also get to learn from each other. Working on projects together makes it more fun and efficient, but I have been really unsuccessful in setting up these collaborations, and end up doing so much more work alone by myself.

I also feel lonely when it comes to certain activities, like going to the cinema, going out for dinner, or travelling, because usually people don't do these things alone. I would really like to have the experience of travelling somewhere, to go on vacation, but have never had the chance to do so. It is less safe travelling alone in a foreign country, especially if you're a young female. It's also really difficult and effortful to plan everything by yourself. But no one ever invites me on trips.

I wonder if anyone else feels this way?

I am the same.

I have my husband and crave no other social contacts. Sometimes  and sometimes rather often not even that of my husband...

No social contacts (for me) = no stress.

When I lived by myself I did get lonelier but enrolled in many courses which helped.

And later in life I took cats and a dog. The dog owner to dog owner chat is all I need.

I do realise the risk I run though. Because if the husband is no longer there (you never know what happens to people), then I will have to call in other people to help me out occassionally :-(

Yep - I've lived on my own for 18 years now and enjoy the peace and tranquility.  And, like others, I would shun those that would enforce their company on me as I've never considered myself as lonely.  

Of all the people that I've encountered, it's only the recent meeting of fellow autistic people in my area that I have found a group in which I feel more comfortable than all the NT's I've come across in the past.  It's the only time that I have discussed my challenges with others and received a mix of both acknowledgement and support (rather than the usual former response that was always negative).

Maybe you need to flip it and find a cat you really really like first and then see can get along with the person who feeds them...

ive met people ... but not the right ones ... and invariably I’ve not been right for them.

with constants, care, consistency and calm things can be good... but life is a bucketful of changing variables 

I am not sure if I am good at relationships either but sometimes I really would like someone nice.

I like cats.

I’m not very good at relationships though...  so probably destined to be a crazy cat lady. 

Sorry... scratch that... I’m terrible.

:( ... bless you. Mine also licks  its backside and brings me dead wee mammals to share... 

aint never had a human bring me a field vole. Birthdays in that regard have been an annual disappointment for many years! Lol

I struggle.

I wonder how you managed to find a husband if you didn't have friends.

I would love to have a partner but I do not know how to find one.

Cats are easy - sleep all day, want to be with you and keep warm, interested in what you're doing - don't make a lot of noise and are pleased to see you in the morning.

I still prefer my cat, but nice people are very welcome if they don’t outstay they’re stay! 

Does that mean you identify more with your cat and it’s behaviour alongside liking it.? 

Data gathering - only that the more people I meet, the more I like my cat.

Totally. Btw... how is the data gathering going? Anything significant to report?

I like people - nice people. Ones who want to be with me, are 'givers' and not takers. I like spirited people who have done things in life and like to share experiences. I also like to people-watch in the wild. Observing and measuring the pettiness & politics from a safe distance.(Data gathering)

I also like me-time where I can sleep, watch tv, make things, listen to music etc. without having any deadlines or expectations from others.

Hi Fuchsia

Good to hear from you.  I get what you are saying, totally.. For me it is down to two important things - mindfulness and respect. That is "please be mindful that to be the best person I can, I need quiet places and alone time... time to process and reflect. To re balance if you will. Please also respect me and the fact that this is my nature and not in an unsocial, arrogant, selfish way. Just at times I need to be ME and other times I will want to connect....

When I get the urge to connect and you'll recognise that here on the forum when I am quite chattty and daft... other times when I am reaching out for comfort (I will get periods of loneliness) or to harvest someone elses knowledge to keep feeding my own bubble

In the main though I am pretty self-sufficient. I don't fit in with alot of people... i have resolved in myself that I am what I am..but others arent so sure..so I keep myself to myself