Lonliness

The loneliest thing in the world for me is being out with a group of people and the "brain fog" of over-stimulation gradually building until it's completely impossible to follow what's going on. It's even worse when I'm with people who I do really care about, and I would like to join in, but simply can't because my already limited social comprehension has completely deserted me. All of the voices blur into one big noise. I feel like a rock on the shore battered by the waves of a storm. My mind slowly dissociates until my surroundings don't seem quite real. My friends are right there in front of me, yet I feel like I've lost them, and I can miss them profoundly.

The least lonely is when I am alone, utterly hyper-focused on a hobby or music. This is a very different kind of dissociation; my mind no longer seems to occupy the same universe, nor even my own body. I can't be lonely because the concept of other people doesn't exist, and it is a timeless place, so there is no sense of having lost anything, or even that there was ever anything that could have been lost.

I do have some very good friends, a couple also autistic, a couple more possibly so, but mostly neuro-typical as far as I know; all are open-minded and forgiving people, though; possibly the reason why the other autistic friends also became part of this group. Thankfully, they are very understanding of my need for alone time and to avoid over-stimulation; it is never a problem to skip a social event, leave early, or nip outside for a break whenever I need to. I enjoy their company when my mind is able to be more "present", and the group is a wonderful mutual support network.

However, my sanctuary is vital, and I can spend a lot of time alone without the slightest pang of wanting company, as I always have done, even as a child spending endless hours shut away in my room playing with my Lego and my ZX Spectrum while the other kids were playing together. It's not just something that I need for rest and recuperation, I enjoy it in its own right, and get extremely irritated if I'm disturbed from it or I am kept from it by the demands of other people. It's very rare that I would arrange a social event; I drop in on those which come along at the right place and the right time with the right company, but don't feel the need to seek them out.

The loneliest thing in the world for me is being out with a group of people and the "brain fog" of over-stimulation gradually building until it's completely impossible to follow what's going on. It's even worse when I'm with people who I do really care about, and I would like to join in, but simply can't because my already limited social comprehension has completely deserted me. All of the voices blur into one big noise. I feel like a rock on the shore battered by the waves of a storm. My mind slowly dissociates until my surroundings don't seem quite real. My friends are right there in front of me, yet I feel like I've lost them, and I can miss them profoundly.

The least lonely is when I am alone, utterly hyper-focused on a hobby or music. This is a very different kind of dissociation; my mind no longer seems to occupy the same universe, nor even my own body. I can't be lonely because the concept of other people doesn't exist, and it is a timeless place, so there is no sense of having lost anything, or even that there was ever anything that could have been lost.

I do have some very good friends, a couple also autistic, a couple more possibly so, but mostly neuro-typical as far as I know; all are open-minded and forgiving people, though; possibly the reason why the other autistic friends also became part of this group. Thankfully, they are very understanding of my need for alone time and to avoid over-stimulation; it is never a problem to skip a social event, leave early, or nip outside for a break whenever I need to. I enjoy their company when my mind is able to be more "present", and the group is a wonderful mutual support network.

However, my sanctuary is vital, and I can spend a lot of time alone without the slightest pang of wanting company, as I always have done, even as a child spending endless hours shut away in my room playing with my Lego and my ZX Spectrum while the other kids were playing together. It's not just something that I need for rest and recuperation, I enjoy it in its own right, and get extremely irritated if I'm disturbed from it or I am kept from it by the demands of other people. It's very rare that I would arrange a social event; I drop in on those which come along at the right place and the right time with the right company, but don't feel the need to seek them out.