Goodnight, and Good Luck

Thank you all again, folks, for your wishes and support.  It means so much. x

How's it going, Tom? Any joy from the GP at all?

Couldn't get to see her today, but I've got an appointment tomorrow. I've taken the week off work and told them why.  They're quite supportive.  I feel better for having the breathing space - in spite of just having 2 weeks' annual leave.  They were a stressful couple of weeks.  This week, I'm going to relax.  I've managed alright without drinking.  I'll see what my GP says tomorrow.  I still don't know how I feel.  Part of me wants to be at work.  Another part of me says I'm not up to it.  I don't feel like I'm ill, but I am.  No well person behaves in the way I have.   At root... I just feel unhappy.  I don't want to die... but I don't enjoy my life.  Just in a void.

Couldn't get to see her today, but I've got an appointment tomorrow. I've taken the week off work and told them why.  They're quite supportive.  I feel better for having the breathing space - in spite of just having 2 weeks' annual leave.  They were a stressful couple of weeks.  This week, I'm going to relax.  I've managed alright without drinking.  I'll see what my GP says tomorrow.  I still don't know how I feel.  Part of me wants to be at work.  Another part of me says I'm not up to it.  I don't feel like I'm ill, but I am.  No well person behaves in the way I have.   At root... I just feel unhappy.  I don't want to die... but I don't enjoy my life.  Just in a void.

Thanks, Trogluddite.  That's exactly how it's been.  I really don't know what to do for the best.  I want to go back to work... but I think I'm at too low a point to do my job effectively.  As you can imagine, as good as it is working with autistic people, it's stressful because you're on the alert all day, without breaks, and we have a lot of very challenging clients.  I don't know if I have the mental reserves to handle that.  These last couple of days, I've actually felt more relaxed than I did during my leave.  I'm also worried about how it looks to my employer.  I know I'm highly-respected there, and they know about my condition and are quite accommodating.  But I don't want them to start asking questions about my future fitness to continue with the role.  I don't want any doubts raised.  I don't want to lose that job and end up having to go back on JSA or ESA.  I don't think I could face that regime again.

I'm off up to my GP soon now.  I'll see what she has to say.

in spite of just having 2 weeks' annual leave.  They were a stressful couple of weeks.

I often used to find that back when I was working. When I'm working, it's just a case of buttoning everything down and getting by one day at a time with everything clenched. Once I got some time off, I'd unclench, and find myself floored by a huge backlog of undone chores, unresolved anxieties and questions about what I was doing (or not doing) with my life. Hard as being at work can be very often, at least doesn't leave too much time for self-reflection and cogitating; so I can understand you feeling that you'd rather go back. Sometimes "nothing" can be the hardest thing to do, no matter how vital it is that we should sometimes. The main thing is not to let yourself feel guilty about it; it is the only truly effective treatment for burn-out, in my opinion.

I hope things go well for you at the GPs tomorrow, and that you get the rest and relaxation that you need.