Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm looking for a little advice/ reassurance.
I live with my boyfriend, we bought a flat together last year, we have been together 4 years (but knew each other for a few years prior). I have always known that he is on the spectrum, but not heavily autistic. He was diagnosed as autistic as a child but doctors were happy that he'd developed away from it and was no longer classed as autistic by his teens.
The few autistic features that remained with him are characteristics I completely adore, very caring of over people, excellent at problem solving and quiet/ non egotistical.
General life stress with the pressures of living together plus numerous family problems on both sides is starting bring his autism out. He is becoming very distant, and he's concentrating so hard on everything that's going on around him, he's basically become unable to think for himself. He can't think to essentially look after himself, let alone the flat or be a loving boyfriend.
I've always understood him, and have known I have to take a different approach with him but I'm starting to struggle. He was brought up with a very autistic brother and his mum has very much done everything for them continuously, they both have the attitude of "I'm autistic so I can't and won't do that or try".
What can I do?!? It's hard to be there and support him through things he's struggling with when he throws the blocks up and the autism takes over. But I feel I'm not doing anything at all if I give him the space he looks like he needs.
Just getting this off my chest is a relief, phew!
Hello and welcome.
What you say sounds similar to other stories on this forum from non-autistic (typical) women with male autistic partners. One common factor seems to be external stresses when living together, so maybe some of this is the 'Men are from Mars' idea of the man going into his cave or shed. In any case, I don't think it's a case of 'bringing the autism out'. If he's autistic, he's autistic all the time. It may just be certain social problems overwhelm him that might not overwhelm others. Can you try to talk through and agree a plan with him to deal with a specific problem (say with one side of the family), which will require responsibility on all sides?
Sorry if that's not very helpful. I hope other people will chip in soon.
By the way, so we can recognise you, you may want to add a nickname or choose an avatar image. Just go to the button right up the top right of the screen, and choose 'Profile'.
Hi,
Thanks for the reply. I partially view it as Men are from Mars, but when I confront him (eg I had a moan that he's not bothering to do any housework), I get back "it's the autistic side of me, I can't think about these things". It's like a go to response. I want to respect that, but I also know he can try harder. I don't want to upset or offend him but he uses it as a cop out. But saying that, I am not autistic so I don't know how it feels to have that mentality. I'm struggling to explain it really, I'm not know if there's a better way to push him? I'm very good at handling his brother as he has a child's mentality, where my boyfriend doesn't. I don't want to fall into a trap of mothering him (which he does respond to) all the time, as long term it makes it worse.
I don't know if that made any sense haha
Thanks for the profile advice! I couldn't find where to do to start with.