Published on 12, July, 2020
I perceive my brain and existence as a series of wiring trade-offs in terms of abilities. In an Aspie sense I am able to perform well in some contexts (for example, following theories, recognising patterns, lateral thinking etc) but poorly in others (such as small talk, perceiving the wants and needs of others when presented in certain ways that I can’t always read).
I am not overly clever but have been told that I can come across as aloof or arrogant and there are many articles on this particular trait in that we can come across as self interested and also narcissistic.
Maybe it is the way that I convey myself that creates the barrier?
“Aspies don't "make people uncomfortable" - remember, Aspies are people too, and they can also feel uncomfortable around people who are different to them. It isn't a one-way street from "weird" Aspies to uncomfortable "people": many people with Asperger's find the non-Aspie world weird and a source of discomfort. You could just as easily ask: What are the most common reasons why NTs (non-Aspies) unknowingly make people with Asperger's uncomfortable?Neurotypicals (NTs, i.e. non-Aspies) often feel uncomfortable around Aspies because Aspies and NTs have different styles of communication, and NTs expect Aspies to conform to their style of communication. They are not used to Aspie communication styles and do not know how to interpret it - or rather, they interpret it as though it was NT communication, and often draw very negative (and incorrect) conclusions from it.
NTs tend to use a lot of indirect, non-verbal, implied communication. They "hint" rather than state outright what they want. They expect you to know or to guess what you are supposed to do and say. And they have a lot of elaborate social and emotional ritual and they spend lots of time in social interaction just engaged in these rituals. Direct communication is often viewed as rude or arrogant.”
https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-most-common-reasons-why-Aspies-unknowingly-make-people-uncomfortable
Now, I’d like to think that I am a multi faceted being...so there maybe many elements of my being that cause offence!
What, for you creates the “gulf of understanding”?
Lots of things, but mainly I think lack of knowledge.
I find that NTs who are receiving different messages to the ones I am trying to project (due to the autistic alternative ways of communicating) are much more likely to put it down to rudeness or me not liking them (and treat me accordingly) than even consider the possibility of autism. An awful lot of NTs have very little knowledge of autism, or inaccurate ideas about what it is or how autistic people differ from NTs. Then there's a number of NTs (in my experience a small but significant number- most are really good about it when I disclose but that could be me being lucky in my acquaintances) who don't seem to desire knowledge- the ones who, even when told "it's an aspie/autism thing", continue to act on this false assumption of rudeness. I'm really not sure why that is.
I had a problem with a work colleague many years ago that boiled down to a lot of issues that (while I accept they must have been very irritating or appeared very rude/dismissive from a NT perspective) stemmed from my autism, but even when she had been made aware of the reason she didn't seem to want to know about the root cause or change her approach- even as I was trying my best to change mine.
Maybe because it was just easier to continue not liking me and therefore having an excuse to limit interaction with me as much as possible than learn a whole new way of communicating. :/ I guess it's a bit like "how many hearing people bother to learn sign language?"- very few that don't actually use it in everyday life because they have dealings with deaf or non-verbal people who rely on it. I certainly don't know any (beyond most of the alphabet, because it was a bit of a trend to learn that much at my primary school to use as a sort of secret code- it would have to be a conversation of spelling things out if I ever met a deaf person). Humans will generally avoid what is difficult to do and choose the path of least resistance, which is unfortunate when you're part of a minority whose path of least resistance depends on others taking a harder route.
Of course the way society is structured physically doesn't help with the gulf of understanding either- a lot of us could muddle by using a bit of "NT as a second language" if it wasn't for simultaneously dealing with the sensory problems caused by everyday structures/occurrences!
Emma said:I had a problem with a work colleague many years ago that boiled down to a lot of issues that (while I accept they must have been very irritating or appeared very rude/dismissive from a NT perspective) stemmed from my autism, but even when she had been made aware of the reason she didn't seem to want to know about the root cause or change her approach- even as I was trying my best to change mine.
My ex-partner - who had BPD, and who was also very demanding and controlling - refused to accept that her behaviour had any influence over mine. We had frequent rows about her refusal to do household chores ('I find them too exhausting'), her untidiness, the way she controlled every situation, etc. I drank more to cope with the anxiety and frustration that living with her evoked. But everything was down to me and my condition - which, even though she knew about and purported to understand - she also insisted I was using as an excuse. It was a very tough time.