Published on 12, July, 2020
I perceive my brain and existence as a series of wiring trade-offs in terms of abilities. In an Aspie sense I am able to perform well in some contexts (for example, following theories, recognising patterns, lateral thinking etc) but poorly in others (such as small talk, perceiving the wants and needs of others when presented in certain ways that I can’t always read).
I am not overly clever but have been told that I can come across as aloof or arrogant and there are many articles on this particular trait in that we can come across as self interested and also narcissistic.
Maybe it is the way that I convey myself that creates the barrier?
“Aspies don't "make people uncomfortable" - remember, Aspies are people too, and they can also feel uncomfortable around people who are different to them. It isn't a one-way street from "weird" Aspies to uncomfortable "people": many people with Asperger's find the non-Aspie world weird and a source of discomfort. You could just as easily ask: What are the most common reasons why NTs (non-Aspies) unknowingly make people with Asperger's uncomfortable?Neurotypicals (NTs, i.e. non-Aspies) often feel uncomfortable around Aspies because Aspies and NTs have different styles of communication, and NTs expect Aspies to conform to their style of communication. They are not used to Aspie communication styles and do not know how to interpret it - or rather, they interpret it as though it was NT communication, and often draw very negative (and incorrect) conclusions from it.
NTs tend to use a lot of indirect, non-verbal, implied communication. They "hint" rather than state outright what they want. They expect you to know or to guess what you are supposed to do and say. And they have a lot of elaborate social and emotional ritual and they spend lots of time in social interaction just engaged in these rituals. Direct communication is often viewed as rude or arrogant.”
https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-most-common-reasons-why-Aspies-unknowingly-make-people-uncomfortable
Now, I’d like to think that I am a multi faceted being...so there maybe many elements of my being that cause offence!
What, for you creates the “gulf of understanding”?
I think the biggest thing that causes misunderstandings is that NTs simply do not behave in a logical way and we (naively, according to them) expect things to be logical.
They expect us to follow rules that don't exist and certainly arent written down anywhere, while they are perfectly fine with others of their kind not following the rules that DO exist and ARE written down. Breaking an unwritten rule carries a much stiffer penalty than breaking an actual rule (the latter rarely carries any penalty at all, depending on the popularity level of the perpetrator, of course).
Why do they bother making rules, policies, and laws, anyway? Nobody follows them, after all, and usually nobody even knows what they are (except for us, of course). The rules were originally meant to make sure that things are done in a fair way, but if they aren't followed, or if they are selectively enforced, it would be better if they didn't exist. It would at least be much less confusing for us.
There is no way a being who behaves according to the rules of logic can ever really make a connection with a creature who is completely incapable of logical reasoning. THAT is why we can't communicate with them. We draw conclusions based on logic and they draw conclusions based on some kind of primitive animal instinct mixed in with several different types of cognitive bias that plague their entire way of thinking.
The shortcoming is theirs, not ours. However, because there are more of them, they like to think that they are superior and we are flawed, and they'll never acknowledge that the reverse is true. Why? Because they are not capable of logical thought, so they are also incapable of drawing an intelligent conclusion, such as that maybe the fault doesn't lie entirely with us.
DragonCat16 said:There is no way a being who behaves according to the rules of logic can ever really make a connection with a creature who is completely incapable of logical reasoning. THAT is why we can't communicate with them.
Haha! I had an example of that today. I decided to go down to the beach for a swim. I deliberately chose the quiet end of the beach so as to avoid people. To get from the road to the part of the beach where I was headed, I had to descend a short path - around 30 yards. There's a sign at the top of that path that states 'No Cycling'. Fair enough. And if there had been people using the path, I would have dismounted. But the path was empty. So was the beach. There was no one around at all - except a chap sitting on a bench by the road, up and over to my left, a good 50 feet away from me. I freewheeled my bike down the path. Silence. Then, from the chap on the bench:
"Oi! There's no cycling on that path. Can't you see the sign?"
I said 'yes', I'd seen the sign - but as there was no one around, I'd decided that a minor transgression was alright.
"You could hit a pedestrian," he bellowed on.
I stopped.
"What pedestrian? There's no one around except you and me."
"That doesn't matter," he fulminated. "The sign says 'No Cycling'. You know you're in the wrong."
Honestly! I needed that swim to cool off. Whilst I was in the water, I noticed other cyclists coming down that path - and much faster than I'd been going. He ignored them.
Maybe he knew I was an Aspie!
Disambiguating Cynosure said:In my constant paranoia, in that particular situation, I would have dismounted, but then the person would have found some other thing ELSE to pick upon (e.g. going too fast, veering some way, having a pushbike at all)... absolutely anything.
The point was, it was his chosen form of communication that got my back up. He could just as easily have called out, in friendly tones, 'Excuse me. Do you realise there's no cycling on that path?' That's how I would have approached it. But no. He was being deliberately belligerent, as if I was a child. And that tone, too, took me back to when I was a child, and the way I'd been spoken to at school quite often by teachers. If there had been people around, I wouldn't have cycled on the path anyway. But the place was empty. In those circumstances, and given his manner, I continued cycling - slowly, as I was going, anyway. There are better ways that I could have handled the situation. But when someone is aggressive towards you, it throws that out of the window. It seems to me more and more that people (I won't say NTs especially) default to aggression in any such altercations. Such as when I politely spoke to a motorist about her use of a mobile phone when driving... and she scowled and gave me the finger. Great communication, that.
I needed that swim to cool off. Whilst I was in the water, I noticed other cyclists coming down that path - and much faster than I'd been going. He ignored them.
Greetings... I post this as if to sympathise...
In my constant paranoia, in that particular situation, I would have dismounted, but then the person would have found some other thing ELSE to pick upon (e.g. going too fast, veering some way, having a pushbike at all)... absolutely anything.
Further as if to sympathise...I myself get this from "beggars" ...A LOT. They always yell at me, or walk after me, then they "curse" (f-word, of course.) Yet when I am far enough away, I look back and I notice, and I observe: "Oh, yes, you pick upon me, but not the twenty other people passing by you, I see!!"
I see this so often that I am totally fed up of it. With regards to this Thread, I next here suggest something strange, yet scientific, however: The Frequency at which WE (Autistic) think is different to NTs, and so even if we earn their respect, we are still seen as difficult and so are singled out.
. said:What, for you creates the “gulf of understanding”?
...The Frequency difference is what I would say. Many times I would say something, and it is met with displeasure, yet someone else would say exactly the same thing, and that is accepted!