Can't tell what is me and what is the mask. Unsure of who I really am

The problem with the term 'Mask' is that implies an attempt to conceal the real person underneath, so at least for me a better term would be 'Avatar' (in the real sense of the word, not just from the crappy movie), since it defines a direct manifestation of what would otherwise be impossible to perceive, i.e. the inside of someone else's head.

When I am alone, the inside of my head is chaotic & usually profoundly negative with multiple critical narratives running at once (hence my depression). These narratives often take the form of full blown virtual reality presentations about my past & probable future failures. This is unfortunately the 'Real Me' & there is no way of directly conveying it to anyone else.

Conversely, when I am with other people I can push a lot of the negativity away & become the 'Avatar' of myself that I have evolved within that setting. Each 'Avatar' is still really me, since they are composed of real identity fragments in my head, just filtered to be those I deem to be appropriate or acceptable in that setting. The interesting part of this is that the unused fragments (especially the negative ones) seem to fade into the background, so when I am with friends it is actually possible to relax & enjoy myself without being constantly criticised inside my own head. This is also why being around negative people is a bad idea, since it tends to make me feel worse.

I have read & watched a lot of heavy duty material on the theory of Consciousness & there is still no real consensus on how it actually works, i.e. there is no single area in the brain you can point to & say that is where my 'Identity' lives, rather it is some sort of emergent property of the whole brain, with the common perception of 'Self' as a singular entity somewhere in the middle being just a delusion.

Assuming that the 'Real Me' is supposed to be who I am like when I am alone, it is sometimes like a 'Computer Algorithm' (if I am focussed on a given task), other times like a 'Committee' (if I am making plans), or all too often like a 'Courtroom Trial' (when I am feeling depressed & nihilistic). None of these give me any sense of identity & I don't really know what other people mean by the term. On the other hand, when in the company of friends, the 'Mask/Avatar' seems to temporarily give me a real sense of identity & even happiness.

To be honest, I'm not sure there ever was a 'Real Me' in the sense that most people seem to describe, but I prefer the 'Masks/Avatars' anyway & find being alone for extended periods of time both difficult & exhausting. I'm not sure how common this experience is, but I suppose everyone is different ;-)

The problem with the term 'Mask' is that implies an attempt to conceal the real person underneath, so at least for me a better term would be 'Avatar' (in the real sense of the word, not just from the crappy movie), since it defines a direct manifestation of what would otherwise be impossible to perceive, i.e. the inside of someone else's head.

When I am alone, the inside of my head is chaotic & usually profoundly negative with multiple critical narratives running at once (hence my depression). These narratives often take the form of full blown virtual reality presentations about my past & probable future failures. This is unfortunately the 'Real Me' & there is no way of directly conveying it to anyone else.

Conversely, when I am with other people I can push a lot of the negativity away & become the 'Avatar' of myself that I have evolved within that setting. Each 'Avatar' is still really me, since they are composed of real identity fragments in my head, just filtered to be those I deem to be appropriate or acceptable in that setting. The interesting part of this is that the unused fragments (especially the negative ones) seem to fade into the background, so when I am with friends it is actually possible to relax & enjoy myself without being constantly criticised inside my own head. This is also why being around negative people is a bad idea, since it tends to make me feel worse.

I have read & watched a lot of heavy duty material on the theory of Consciousness & there is still no real consensus on how it actually works, i.e. there is no single area in the brain you can point to & say that is where my 'Identity' lives, rather it is some sort of emergent property of the whole brain, with the common perception of 'Self' as a singular entity somewhere in the middle being just a delusion.

Assuming that the 'Real Me' is supposed to be who I am like when I am alone, it is sometimes like a 'Computer Algorithm' (if I am focussed on a given task), other times like a 'Committee' (if I am making plans), or all too often like a 'Courtroom Trial' (when I am feeling depressed & nihilistic). None of these give me any sense of identity & I don't really know what other people mean by the term. On the other hand, when in the company of friends, the 'Mask/Avatar' seems to temporarily give me a real sense of identity & even happiness.

To be honest, I'm not sure there ever was a 'Real Me' in the sense that most people seem to describe, but I prefer the 'Masks/Avatars' anyway & find being alone for extended periods of time both difficult & exhausting. I'm not sure how common this experience is, but I suppose everyone is different ;-)

Pirate Santa said:

When I am alone, the inside of my head is chaotic & usually profoundly negative with multiple critical narratives running at once (hence my depression). These narratives often take the form of full blown virtual reality presentations about my past & probable future failures.

Interesting.  I'm very much the same.  My work takes me out of myself and allows me to express myself.  But once I'm at home alone - which is actually where I want to be and prefer to be - I'm a mess of confusion and negativity.  I have no distraction.  Just me, with my thoughts.  My overwhelming sense of lack of personal fulfillment.  My endless ruminations about why I'm still stuck here, where I was when I started, rather than living the life I dreamed of as a kid.  Knowing I have huge potential to exploit, but struggling to find the right way of doing it.