Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm Jess and I'm 17 and diagnosed with Asperger's at 14. Recently, school has been really hard. I thought I had found a nice group of friends to hang about with at break times and lunch times, and was happy. But recently I found out that they are always talking about me, and leaving me out. There is this one specific girl that has been worse. When I first found out I had Asperger's, I told her and explained how I felt in order to see if she could maybe change the way she treated me. I now feel like she uses that information and toys around with me to make me feel bad eg. not inviting me places,running off to lunch without me, not sitting with me. I have spoken to her a lot about this over the couple of years, saying that I don't think it's fair. She never listens to me and I always end up very upset and having a meltdown. No one really knows how bad she makes me feel, but I have no one else due to her not wanting me to talk to the people she doesn't like, or she would go in a mood with me. I literally have no one else at school and although it is nearly summer, I know it will ruin my summer knowing that I am hated. I would literally have moved the earth for her. She can make me feel so special and the next, awful. I honestly do not know what to do. My Asperger's makes me paranoid if people hate me and always worried about what others think. It's starting to affect my schoolwork and this is a really important year for me next year ( highers, or A level equivalent). What do I do?
Thank you x
Jess,
I had very similar experiences to you at school, including similarly one-sided ‘friendships’.
She treats you in ways you know aren’t the way friends behave to each other, she doesn’t listen to you when you try to explain that her behaviour is hurtful.
She is actively stopping you talking to people she ‘doesn’t like’- in doing this she is isolating you and thus making you more dependent on her.
If this were a relationship, how massive a red flag would that be? Well it’s the same in a platonic friendship.
Honestly, I would cut this girl out of your life. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Bonus: you are at a great age for a toxic friend purge- you only have one more year at school, use it to concentrate on your important academic hurdles and then everyone moves to university or work miles away and you will be able to make real friends, with people you have never met before and have none of the baggage of school associated with them.
Look to the future and don’t worry about her hating you now. Besides, she can’t- she doesn’t care enough about you at all to hate you. She has demonstrated that by her actions already.
When you move into a social circle that is based on your interests and not the year you happen to have been born you will have the chance to make your real friendships. I wish I had known that sooner, because I spent so long being maltreated by people I was desperate to like me.
All the best to you! Things get better. Xx
I agree with Emma. If you find yourself in a situation where someone is giving you their affection and then taking it away again so casually, it is usually a sign that they are taking advantage of you. The fact that this girl seems intent on controlling who you can and can't be friends with is another big warning sign.
I can understand that it must be hard to let go when you have few other friends, but if you try to keep her happy by staying away from the people that she doesn't want you to talk to, you could be missing out on the opportunity to find some nicer people to hang around with - and that's probably what she fears, because if you find some nicer friends, you won't want to hang about with her any more. Well, if that happens, there is absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about, because it will be her own fault for treating you so badly.