Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now.
I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave. I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing. I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.
Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep. It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off. So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety. So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all.
I like my job. But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone. I won't go into the details. It doesn't matter now. Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair. But good people often get treated unfairly. So, now I dread going back. I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them. And maybe I'll be next.
All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless. I just want to sleep again to make it go away.
A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety. But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it.
But it's awful feeling like this. Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.
I have the suicidal black dog now. It's just unbearable.
I hate being a loner. I hate not fitting in with others.
Anxiety spoils everything.
I had about 3 or 4 weeks of it myself but I'm coming out of it now. My problem was everyone I did have to deal with was being a nightmare, until I got so anxious I went into myself. Anxiety is a ***. I know they aren't people but you have got your bikes. I wish I had something where I had to get outside to have fun. I spend too much time inside alone myself. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Hopefully you can have a good rip on the Aprilla somewhere where you can kill it.
Mine was the worst I'd had. I really didn't think I would turn the corner with it. A couple of weeks on, though, and I'm starting to do something that I never thought I'd be able to do again: read. I'm re-reading Conrad's 'Heart of Darkness', appropriately enough! First read it as an undergrad 30 years ago. It means far more to me this time around. In some ways, this tale about a journey into the darkness of both the Congo and the human soul is a metaphor for the journey I've just taken.
Work, too, has helped me - surprisingly. Although yesterday I had a bit of a set-back. I was assigned to some favourite service users and was looking forward to things - but then it got changed around to suit other people and I ended up getting very angry and stressed in the afternoon. But seeing the other staff all hanging around together and messing with their b****y phones and chatting about superficial rubbish made me glad once again to be outside of it all. Glad to be me. Which isn't always an easy thing to pull off.