Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now.
I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave. I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing. I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.
Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep. It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off. So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety. So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all.
I like my job. But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone. I won't go into the details. It doesn't matter now. Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair. But good people often get treated unfairly. So, now I dread going back. I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them. And maybe I'll be next.
All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless. I just want to sleep again to make it go away.
A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety. But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it.
But it's awful feeling like this. Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.
Hello folks,
I'm so sorry. I had no intention to worry anyone unnecessarily. I don't even remember writing that last post. I was in such an awful spiral of depression that I disengaged. I didn't think I could say anything useful to anyone on here and I didn't want to keep going on about how I was feeling. The problem was made much worse by the fact that I was drinking too much. I managed to stop that. I was dreading returning to work - but that's actually been helpful. Once I was back with the service users, I was back in their world - which lifted me out of mine (though, in many ways, they're the same). I feel better now. But it was the most horrible time. All those anniversaries, one on top of the other. I truly underestimated the effect it would all have. Like a tsunami. Like the whole of life catching up all over again.
I want to continue to give things a rest here for a while. I'm sorry again for raising concerns. I only realised when I saw this thread again earlier. I'll be around again when I'm ready.
Take care all - and thank you for your patience and friendship.
Tom
Thanks for letting us know Tom! A friend of mine, part of our art and theatre group, once went to a deep depression and the consequences were not good. That's why I got concerned. The main thing is that we know you are sorting things