Hubby won't compliment me

Hi Alex

have you any idea about how he feels about your relationship? It might be performance anxiety and pure terror that he might get it wrong in regard to the whole relationship and not just in the bedroom?

ellie 

Hi, I know he's worried about performance and I said we could just have fun getting to know our bodies again. I'm not sure of mine too! He was open to that, but I'm not sure how to initiate it without making him block.

We are deeply in love. That's for sure. And I thank my lucky stars every day for him. Sometimes he smiles at me with so much love it makes my knees go weak. No issues there.

Do I stop worrying about his not complimenting me and just get on with looking nice? It does hurt though.

Well i’m very pleased to hear that you are very much in love....

do you know what triggers the block?

is it compliment enough to know that he loves you? Or, are the compliments just to reinforce your own self esteem? Do you compliment him? If so, how does he respond to that? 

you say that even hugging can be tense.. have you explained that its just a hug, or a cuddle and not the potential alarm bells of “crikey I’m being asked to perform!..panic, anxiety, shut down...arrrrrgh!

Is he panicing about the consequences if he is unable to “perform”.. is he worried he might lose you? He may also have his own anxieties about getting older? 

With ASD it can be difficult to read peoples intentions and desires...and although clear verbal requests can be rather “unsexy” sometimes it helps to say “can you hold me?”

Btw... i’m crap at relationships! Lol

AstronutAlex said:

When I compliment him he just smiles. I feel there's a wariness about that, possibly because he feels he should be returning complements.

When you compliment him and he just smiles, you have just been complimented back with a smile.

When you feel there's a wariness about that, perhaps you could try smiling back and keep the language of smiles on the go ~ over the days and over the weeks, and build up as such the inner smile, i.e. the inner sparkle together.

Hold onto the fact that verbal or physical compliments aside he is still by your side and loves you.  Now THAT is quite a compliment in itself x

That's good advice. I'm so glad I talked to you all. I think I would have made things worse if I didn't! XXX

Give it time.... ask for that hug... and tell him it was lovely... give both of yourselves time I.e try not to rush things even though your a wee bit frustrated at present.. x

Yes, I need compliments for my self-esteem. I should just stop worrying about that as it's extra difficulties for him to process. When I compliment him he just smiles. I feel there's a wariness about that, possibly because he feels he should be returning complements.

His hugs, while loving, have always been rather short. Sometimes he even jerks away. Not in disgust or anything. Just a 'this is finished' sort of final movement. A full stop.

I'll have to use words, as you say. I'll keep it simple and let him know exactly what I intend, with love and gentleness. I hope it works. 

Yes, I need compliments for my self-esteem. I should just stop worrying about that as it's extra difficulties for him to process. When I compliment him he just smiles. I feel there's a wariness about that, possibly because he feels he should be returning complements.

His hugs, while loving, have always been rather short. Sometimes he even jerks away. Not in disgust or anything. Just a 'this is finished' sort of final movement. A full stop.

I'll have to use words, as you say. I'll keep it simple and let him know exactly what I intend, with love and gentleness. I hope it works. 

AstronutAlex said:

When I compliment him he just smiles. I feel there's a wariness about that, possibly because he feels he should be returning complements.

When you compliment him and he just smiles, you have just been complimented back with a smile.

When you feel there's a wariness about that, perhaps you could try smiling back and keep the language of smiles on the go ~ over the days and over the weeks, and build up as such the inner smile, i.e. the inner sparkle together.

Hold onto the fact that verbal or physical compliments aside he is still by your side and loves you.  Now THAT is quite a compliment in itself x

That's good advice. I'm so glad I talked to you all. I think I would have made things worse if I didn't! XXX

Give it time.... ask for that hug... and tell him it was lovely... give both of yourselves time I.e try not to rush things even though your a wee bit frustrated at present.. x