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**Update 2** "Am I that different?"

The Foyster

3 months ago, I came here again, to catch you up on the life of myself.

Since then, I have moved house again, after my older brother took advantage of me, and dwindled away all my savings, stopped paying his bills, and relied on me to pay, to help him live. While he went off, and did - quite frankly - whatever the F*ck he wanted.

So I went homeless for 3 weeks, after getting thrown out, after not being able to keep up with my brother's bills, as well as my half. Landlord asked us to leave, at the end of the tenancy of 6 months, as he wanted the house back. (probably cs' late rent coming a week or so late, the last 3 months.) 

After going into a homeless accommodation and having a complete meltdown/overload, after a manager was showing us round and lied saying it's quiet. My parents' offered me at their house, thinking it'd be better for myself, and my health.

I'm now in my own 1 bed place in a town, where I can keep it clean, knowing it won't get messed up by my brother, and i can manage my bills, and build my savings back. Which is going extremely well this past 2 weeks, but now I'm starting to remember the constant feeling of isolation. I mean it's always there (not sure if that's the same for everyone.) but stress is a nice distraction. I finished counselling too, that helped slightly, improving my self esteem for a few weeks before it fell back to it's usual. 

Now, I'm sort of lost, and was hoping for some sort of "miracle advise" from a Neuro-typical, to help me understand.... or from someone like myself, Autistic, who has came through and found a solution to this problem.

The problem is, meeting people- Girls to be exact - but not completely just them. I find social interactions confusing. I want to meet, and make friends, and even from romantic relationships. I'm in a few clubs (hobby type ones- not the nightclub type.), but i find myself being slightly withdrawn from the groups I am a regular part of.  SO, I thought, how does introducing and pushing these regular acquaintances or strangers to friendships, and then more if I so desire?

Google doesn't cure everything, and apparently. Just doing it, until your confident will help. But I can't see that being the case for me.
I feel approaching strangers, Girls especially is sort of wrong, they get enough unwanted attention without me following the rest. But then, how do you know when to approach, or how to.  
I'm TOTALLY lost.

  • Hobby clubs are a good idea as it means once you do get to the dating you'll have something to talk about. As a woman what I'm looking for in a guy asking me out is both honesty and acknowledgement of my boundaries. So if a guy said 'would you like to get a coffee with me sometime? I'd like to get to know you better but it's ok if you don't' I'd like that. Guys are rarely that honest or that respectful so it's lovely when they are. If she says no you could simply smile and thank her for her honesty, then go back to talking about the hobby you share. I realise this kind of interaction may be tough for you but maybe practise it at home first. Good luck, I hope you can make some new friendships and maybe even find romance.

  • in reply to The Foyster

    I also have difficulty making the transition from acquaintance into friend. I usually just leave it up to others because when I try it, I end up with my foot firmly stuffed in my mouth. This generally means that things go really slowly, but maybe that's a good thing. Instead of asking for a number, it is usually easier to ask for e.g. a Facebook connection. As for conversation, in a music group, the conversation is usually about the music. You pretty much can't go wrong if you stick to the topic.

  • in reply to The Foyster

    That's fine!

    Thank you for the reply!

    There is no need to rush!

    Goodnight!

  • in reply to California

    It was a joke, I should've knew it wouldn't go down well.
    I am also terribly bad at small talk. Discord is like a messaging/group chat app. I'm cool to talk wherever. But for now, I need to sleep. I'll private message you tomorrow. Don't know what time yet though (I know that's annoying, but sorry.)

  • in reply to The Foyster
    The Foyster said:
    Would we have to exchange is small talk for the first couple times of talking? lol! 
    hehe- yeah why not? Do you use discord or would you prefer to keep it on here?

    No, we do not have to exchange small talk for the first couple times of talking.

    I am really bad at small talk. I am not interested in that and I do not enjoy it. I struggle with it. Do you struggle with small talk?

    No, I do not use Discord. Never heard of it before.

    I would prefer to keep it on here. We can also go to private messaging, if you would like.

  • in reply to DragonCat16

    I'm in a music group, an autism support group, I attend a local meet up spot, where people chat about random stuff.
    It just doesn't seem to go anywhere. It's like they stay as an acquaintance. I did mention it briefly in the post. -
    It's hard, cs' I can talk, it's just the new people, and changing them from this stranger... to a friend. How do you keep engaging in conversation, is it awkward to ask for their number? **Internal struggle with social situations**

  • in reply to California

    Would we have to exchange is small talk for the first couple times of talking? lol! 
    hehe- yeah why not? Do you use discord or would you prefer to keep it on here?

  • in reply to The Foyster
    The Foyster said:
    I just wish I could find someone who would be honest, if they want space tell me. If I want space, accept that.

    I think I am honest.

    Would you be interested in online friendship with me?

  • Join a club, or find an activity you enjoy, and you will meet people naturally. I don't think people like us do well in situations where the only purpose is to form social relationships. At least I don't.

    Try not to put pressure on yourself. Just find something you like to do, and other people who like to do the same thing will naturally approach you. That takes a lot of the work out of it. For me, it's music. I wouldn't talk to anyone if I didn't go to rehearsals.

  • in reply to NAS24859

    Online dating has always been horrible for me, it just makes me worse.
    Maybe I should look into some better ones though, it's the Tinder type ones, that really annoy me. I guess with dating sites, you know they're hoping to talk and mingle.
    Last night was quite horrible, after this post, my mood went downhill. I then overloaded. slept eventually at 2am, and now im up again- gonna need a nap.
    Good luck with your new job, volunteering might be cool. I used to struggle with stuff like that since i had to take busses to get to the town. But now im in the town.
     
    For now, I'm taking it easy a few days. 

    Thanks for your input.

  • I can understand what you're going through. I rely on a partner for the bulk of my socialising but I split up from my ex in Dec and have suffered from loneliness since. I've just had two weeks off work over Easter, for 5 days in a row I did nothing and was severely depressed by the end of it. I've never met a partner f2f, the initial get together has always been via dating sites, such as POF. Have you tried internet dating? That could help to cut down on your nerves of knowing when a women does, or doesn't want to be approached.

    I start a new job in a new city tomorrow. I'm not ready for internet dating yet but to help me make friends in the meantime I'm going to start volunteering. I'm looking at helping out at cookery classes for disabled kids, as I'm better with smaller, quieter situations. Have you ever created a list that describes how you socialise best? You could use that as a basis for picking volunteer opportunities if you do want to do more things to fill your week.

    Like others have said you are already doing remarkably well coping with everything life has thrown at you lately. I wish you all the best.

  • in reply to The Foyster

    Wish you all the best with that. You seem actually remarkebly resilient, lots of people would have given up. Try to be proud of that, you don't need to better and improve yourself all the time!

  • in reply to oktanol

    I just wish I could find someone who would be honest, if they want space tell me. If I want space, accept that.
    It's hard to find though.
    Maybe slowing down, is a good idea. I'm overly obsessive about constantly bettering and improving myself. But anything not in moderation can be damaging. So maybe I should slow it down, and give myself time.

  • Hi there, sorry don't think I'm one for much advice on lots of those issues, I'm quite struggling with loneliness too, I'm just wondering if it would be worth for you to try and allow slowing down a bit for a little while? It seems you have an awful lot going on, lots of change, lots of stress otherwise. I can relate quite well to this feeling of isolation being quite nicely covered when there are a lot more pressing issues, and then coming back really badly when those issues have improved, so I can perhaps see why you are so determined to break out of the isolation and do it all at once, but it is exhausting and frustrating and does somehow not seem to be doing you much good. So while I don't really know how to do that I think it would be quite good if you could find a way to give yourself a bit of time until you can relax a little. 

    But good to read that you got through a lot of the trouble and have a place where you seem to be safe now! You have actually done a fantastic job there.