Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I wanted to run something by you as I couldn't find enough info about it and wondered if its just me or...
I struggle as I guess many of us do with social interactions, over the years I have learnt to look at least near someones face when I talk to them and have learnt appropriate responses in conversation that reflect a little of my personality. So I get by although it feels a little like its more just an act and not really me (not anything like how I would be when I picture a conversation in my head)
Where I really come unstuck is what I have been told is called 'processing time', in that if something someone has said is new to me or a surprise, I don't get to give the response I would have liked to when I reflect on the conversation later. Or perhaps a better example would be when I was out with a friend, we were chatting and the tone had changed, I knew something was different and so I wasn't sure how to respond so I stayed quiet, they then apologised for snapping at me some minutes later I said it was fine but it left a weird tension for a while after.
So it takes me actually reflecting when I am on my own after the fact to fully take in what has been said to me, I feel like I miss lots of opportunities and often misrepresent myself, I will often end up feeling quite upset if I don't stop myself replaying the scene and thinking about how I might have made the other person feel.
Does anyone else experience life quite like this? I feel like if I could re-do each day I would be prepared and I could be myself, as it is it just feels like everything ends up a wasted opportunity and I just play out a rehearsed version of myself.
Mr R said:just an act and not really me
I find social situations exhausting if I was me I wouldn’t be there but I’m there because of my wife etc. So quite often I stumble on chit chat and all off this “how are you” stuff. I know that I should say “I’m fine. Thank you.” And ask back... but I find this bit very difficult. I’m getting very tense because all the time I have to pretend that I’m fine and as I’m not good at acting and I’m tired of it people see that something is wrong and try to cheer me up ... then I say things which come across a bit odd. Sometimes I share something too personal or I go into quite awkward monologue and don’t know when and how too finish it. Quite often feel after that again I came across as not fitting in not following what the social occasion was about or angry or miserable.
I feel exactly the same, I find usually if I am feeling good (not tired, unwell, etc) I can process social interaction at the beginning at a good pace, but if it goes on too long without breaks, or if I do not know the person, the amount of information coming in is just so much I start to get a sort of backlog of information that I'm storing somehow for processing later. It's sort of like a traffic jam of information I think, and as you said so really well I think, once I have the time to sift through it all later, I realise all sorts of things that are often extremely frustrating or upsetting to realise, like I did not recognise at the time that maybe the person with me was needing a hug or wanted me to comfort them. How debilitating it can be to realise the other person possibly took my not responding due to not having processed the information for my not wanting to or my having no emotions! I feel such a huge amount of emotion and compassion for others that this can really ring me out sometimes, I feel totally crushed by the pain and regret it can bring on.
I am trying to realise this is not a deficit in me, it is a difference in processing. I am not unkind, or bad, or useless even if others think this of me, their interpretation is the complete opposite from the truth. I think if you are very kind or very compassionate it is also very hard not to feel a lot of pain on behalf of other people, and it is very difficult not to turn this onto yourself (I am speaking about myself) and feel shame or guilt or feel 'odd' or like you've done something 'wrong'. I am trying to learn it is neither me nor other people who are wrong or odd, I am just so different from people without autism that it is very hard to bridge that gap. I loved the article written by Damien Milton about double empathy and it was really helpful for me clarifying or at least helping me remember this. If anyone else wanted to read it, it is here http://network.autism.org.uk/comment/3665#comment-3665