Am I being paranoid?

Hi Alexandra. I often feel like a 5 year old too. It’s great isn’t it. It’s one of the things about autism that I love, that we never grow up, not in the nt way anyway. We’re very lucky. 

So what I’m hearing is that you’re currently experiencing overwhelm due to the way you process life and the world around you. On top of finding the world overwhelming,  you are also finding the sanctuary of  your work life particularly difficult to cope with as well just now, and you’re on tender hooks all the time. Do you mean you’re on tenderhooks all the time you’re at work, or at home and everywhere else as well? Or is it just when you’re at work? ~ that part isn’t clear. 

I doubt that this man is deliberately trying to wind you up, and even if he is, I suspect that it is linked to the difficulties he has with his mental health. I don’t see what he’s doing as disrespectful. Maybe he resents being micromanaged by you. You seem to be very aware of his every move, even noticing whether he takes his pen with him when he leaves his desk. He must feel like he’s in a fish bowl, having his every move observed and criticised. Maybe you could try to be more helpful to him, if he has an attachment to his pen more than usual, maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed as well, you could maybe be able to help each other or maybe the pen, radio and headphones are all he needs and in that case, maybe you could focus on your needs.

For example, what is it that is making you feel so overwhelmed? If you are not feeling overwhelmed are you able to share an office with this man without the need to monitor his moves? Or is it simply not a good match. If it isn’t a good match then it isn’t going to work because if he stops clicking his pen to help you and that was one of his coping mechanisms, then he’s going to need an alternative coping mechanism, so it will pay for you two to work together on this. 

Is it a new thing for your boss to micro manage you? If so, what elements of his approach is not helpful to you? If you are clear about that, you could approach him and ask him if he would discuss this with you so you are better able to carry out your work. 

There seems to be several things going on and it’s not clear what the cause is. If it’s sharing an office with this guy then a move, for one of you might be necessary. If you work in the office, full time, five days a week, it would be better if you share the office with peoples who’s company you enjoy, if that’s important to you. Or is it more important for you to work in solitude? It’s not clear. 

I'll try to answer all that! :D. I'm very worried about what people think of me as I have a learning difficulty and ADHD with my aspies. I can feel stupid and worry others think that too. My boss is a very blank sort of person. I wonder if she's on the autistic spectrum too! She admits she's not good with people and needs to know what's going on all the time. That's her need but it makes me feel like I'm in a fishbowl (good analogy, thanks) and I worry that I'll make a mistake. She never complements but does occasionally criticise. She's got a big heart so I get all confused about her thoughts.

I'm only really overwhelmed at work where it's a kind of 'performance'.

My colleague is going through a bad time, I think at home. I'll try to stop being so sensitive about him. I'll put in ear plugs to block the annoying high-pitched sounds.

Thanks for helping me to step back and rationalise this.

No, please don’t try to stop being so sensitive about your colleague, that’s stacking up more trouble. What we resist, persists. 

You know, it’s clear that you are far from stupid.  You come across as a very caring, kind, honest, intelligent, respectful person, with loads of integrity and a strong sense of fairness. If others chose to not see that in you, that is there loss. And anyway, if they were to see you as stupid, they are simply seeing themselves reflected back at them. If they didn’t think that they were stupid, they would be unable to see that in somebody else. Their own beliefs about being stupid are likely burried deep within them so they are unaware of them, but if they see that in you, it has to be in them. And just because they see that in you, it doesn’t mean you are stupid. Because afterall, what does that actually mean. They might think it is stupid to hold your cup of tea with your left hand and so if you hold your cup of tea with your left hand, they will think you’re stupid. But somebody else might think it’s stupid to hold your cup in your right hand and in fact, they might think that people who hold their cup in their left hand, are highly intellegent. In that case, you might think it wise to hang out with the ones who think it’s a good thing to hold your cup in your left hand, but that would be a mistake. Because people change their minds all the time, so what they consider a normal thing one day, might be considered stupid the next. So it’s far safer to rely on your own estimation of yourself. ADHD is a gift, when you know how to work it. 

So what you’re saying is your lack confidence in your ability to do your job. You put more value on other people’s, often throw away opinions of you, than you do your own. You have a fear of making mistakes. This is a BIG problem because mistakes are wonderful opportunity’s to improve our skills and knowledge etc. Mistakes are what great inventions come from. Thomas Edison invented the light bulb after more than 100 mistakes. They’re our gift. They’re our opportunities to improve our skills. If you fear them, you are missing out on a great many opportunities. 

Not getting compliments is very discouraging. This is a very reasonable thing to bring up with your boss. Explain to her that you have a need for compliments and encouragement in order for you to do your job well and feel happy, content, valued and needed. It is reasonable for you to ask that she acknowledges your work to tell you know you are on the right track and doing a good job. I think we all need this at some points in our life and especially when we’re not confident in our ability to do our job. What would help you have more confidence in your ability? Could more training help? 

Ok, so the overwhelm comes from you putting on a performance for other people. I can understand that. Especially if you’re trying to please these people as well. This is generally a situation you will never succeed in, unless it’s your job to perform, such as an actor. If you are having to perform, maybe this is not the right job to show case your talents. 

I honestly don’t think putting ear plugs in to block out the problem will help. I think it is more likely to cause an increase in frustration and overwhelm. 

Thank you. You make me realise I have to be myself, and like myself. I do care a lot and show that most of the time, so people should see that. If they don't, that's their problem. Congratulations on your success and your steps to healing. At least you know what's best for you. Look after number one. Then you can look after others when you're healed. XXX

Thank you. You make me realise I have to be myself, and like myself. I do care a lot and show that most of the time, so people should see that. If they don't, that's their problem. Congratulations on your success and your steps to healing. At least you know what's best for you. Look after number one. Then you can look after others when you're healed. XXX