Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm currently medicated on sertraline and aripiprazole and whilst they have worked for the last few years, my core rage is growing again. I hate humans with a vicious disdain for enabling each other into forcing me down the path of self consumption. I've been trying to build a living situation that I'm happy with but been largely unsuccessful due to this condition. And since euthanasia is illegal and have been prevented from building my own one, there is only one path left that I've resisted out of faith that it's wrong to damage others. But as long as I'm being denied a cure for my condition, I am damaged by others and I feel it's about time that I sought retribution for their evil. I'm undecided about my approach other than going back into hospital and damaging a few people for their conditions. Without my hate, I feel weak and disjointed into accepting that I am a target for everyone. I now want to save myself from you and can't do it whilst disabled. I've been caring about myself less and less each day and it's time for me to stop living and start breathing. Once committed, there will be no turning back. They only thing that is stopping me is me and if I loose anymore of myself to you, I can't promise that I will be responsible for myself.
I'm permanently stuck in survival mode. But is it the Asperger's or is it life? Seems to me that it is both and I don't have all the tools to deal with this growing realisation that I'm nothing more than a mug for even trying to help myself when clearly I'm failing at the first hurdle. Over and over and over. At some point, it's time to throw in the towel and give life what it wants from me and I am sick of waiting for them to take it.
If I was to give my life to a cause, it would be to legalise euthanasia to free myself from me. And sharing that freedom to have the right to be murdered by you would be more sensible than being tortured for the rest of time by myself from those that know how to help themselves to me.
In short, I'm walking away and doing what I want to do. Controlling people will continue to have countless babies for their consumption and I'm ready to go back into the womb of mortality and meet my maker to ask this simple question, why?
I support the legalisation of voluntary euthanasia. However, proposals for this usually involve safeguards: that there is no coercion involved, that the person is opting for it based on a rational full-informed decision about their future quality of life, and the person is of 'sound mind'; usually also that there is some terminal illness.
Well, you could say life is terminal, and there's no reason for it not to apply to 'mental illness' (like a 'mood disorder') that affects quality of life when it also applies to physical illness. But that would neglect the points that that 'mental illness' is a) usually episodic and temporary although it may be so overwhelming that it feels that it's never going away; b) a reflection of external pressures and social stresses, such that the solution of relieving those should take priority even if it means temporary suffering. Allowing euthanasia just for depression that seemed hopeless could have deprived us of some wonderful people, and I have lost brilliant friends to suicide when they have been unable to talk to us. Now of course autism is not itself a mental illness, and is by definition 'lifelong', but the mental distress associated with it is because of social barriers and inadequate support.
We can learn. I don't think you're a mug - many would say you're brave. That which does not kill us makes us more resilient. No defeat is ever total (as Jesus thought, hoping his escapology lessons would pay off). The right thing to do is still the right thing. Maybe it's wrong to expect anything from the future other than the likelihood of still being here. My method of suicide will be old age.