Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone!
I know this is a common question, and I found many threads on this forums (as well as blog posts somewhere else about it), but I feel like they don't fully address preoccupation. Ideally I would like to have a chat with someone who's gone through this, but I find it difficult to attend local groups, specially in this state of uncertainty. If anyone wants to have a chat, here or on any other platform, I'd be more than happy to.
I have joked about being on the spectrum since I was young because of my attention to detail, my analytical skills and my somewhat lacking social skills. I never took it seriously because I was highly functional and I didn't have any of the well-known traits such as stimming or fixation with certain words. Now, as an adult (35yo), I'm starting to feel certain blocks in my life, specially dealing with social situations, and looking back at my life there are many things that can be explained really well by Asperger's or HF Autism. From small things like being fussy with food because of the texture, to massive things such as mental health issues like depression and obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD).
The reason I would like to be diagnosed is to find help in overcoming my limitations. It helped in the past with depression and OCPD. Just knowing how they worked allowed me to find ways of coping with them, to the point that I wouldn't say I'm OCPD anymore (except for maybe some minor things) and my episodes of depression are now very short (a couple of days) and very far apart (can't remember when was the last one). If I can learn how ASD works in my own head, I would be able to find ways of going around it.
What is holding me back is that I don't like the idea of being labelled. It's not so much a matter of stigma, although that's part of it, but the fear that it will change my perception of myself and how others perceive me. I have always fought against being boxed. I don't like when people just accept (or not) something you do or say just because of some label, and it's something I experienced a lot with other labels I carried.
But my biggest fear is using that label to justify my limitations, or even start developing some traits because now "it's official". I know it's irrational, that just the label will not change who I am. I proved myself and others in the past that it's not your skills/talents, but what you do with them. I've done things I have never imagined I could do, so I should expect to be able to get over this as well. But the fear is there. I don't want to end up saying "sorry for my lack of filter, but I'm on the spectrum".
So I'm tempted to not give it a name and dealing with these blocks in my life as I've done before: Learn to be more compassionate towards my limitations and finding ways around them. Other than giving it a name, are there any other benefits from a formal diagnosis?
Thank you for reading :)
Hi I feel everything you are describing I was recently diagnosed with asperges and I am 24. For me the diagnosis helped to clarify some of my behaviour but since the diagnosis I have struggled to accept it almost. With a label comes automatic limitations maybe not for us personally but definitely in society you are automatically labelled as having a disability/learning difficulty and it is a fact that you will get treated differently. That being said like you said you have lived this long without the diagnosis and autism or no autism you are still you and you can still live life the way that suits you! And also the diagnostic tests are long and also are the assessments so be prepared if you do want to explore the diagnosis route
Take care
Thank you for your response. For the past few days I was feeling exactly as you say. I was playing boardgames with some friends, we do it from time to time so it wasn't something out of the ordinary and we've known each other for a year or two. This time, though, I had the label floating around my head so I started looking at everything I did and say through that lens. It was terrible. I was constantly second guessing myself, feeling like an outsider, micro-analysing everything and not being able to just "be" there.
My friends were the same, the activity was nothing unusual, but just having that thought on my mind turned everything from an evening out, relaxing with some friends, to just feeling inadequate and out of place.
With this, all I want to say is that sometimes it's not society looking down on us but our own perception of ourselves that put us down. Don't beat yourself up, learn to have compassion for yourself, and don't worry about what others might think of you.