Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone!
I know this is a common question, and I found many threads on this forums (as well as blog posts somewhere else about it), but I feel like they don't fully address preoccupation. Ideally I would like to have a chat with someone who's gone through this, but I find it difficult to attend local groups, specially in this state of uncertainty. If anyone wants to have a chat, here or on any other platform, I'd be more than happy to.
I have joked about being on the spectrum since I was young because of my attention to detail, my analytical skills and my somewhat lacking social skills. I never took it seriously because I was highly functional and I didn't have any of the well-known traits such as stimming or fixation with certain words. Now, as an adult (35yo), I'm starting to feel certain blocks in my life, specially dealing with social situations, and looking back at my life there are many things that can be explained really well by Asperger's or HF Autism. From small things like being fussy with food because of the texture, to massive things such as mental health issues like depression and obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD).
The reason I would like to be diagnosed is to find help in overcoming my limitations. It helped in the past with depression and OCPD. Just knowing how they worked allowed me to find ways of coping with them, to the point that I wouldn't say I'm OCPD anymore (except for maybe some minor things) and my episodes of depression are now very short (a couple of days) and very far apart (can't remember when was the last one). If I can learn how ASD works in my own head, I would be able to find ways of going around it.
What is holding me back is that I don't like the idea of being labelled. It's not so much a matter of stigma, although that's part of it, but the fear that it will change my perception of myself and how others perceive me. I have always fought against being boxed. I don't like when people just accept (or not) something you do or say just because of some label, and it's something I experienced a lot with other labels I carried.
But my biggest fear is using that label to justify my limitations, or even start developing some traits because now "it's official". I know it's irrational, that just the label will not change who I am. I proved myself and others in the past that it's not your skills/talents, but what you do with them. I've done things I have never imagined I could do, so I should expect to be able to get over this as well. But the fear is there. I don't want to end up saying "sorry for my lack of filter, but I'm on the spectrum".
So I'm tempted to not give it a name and dealing with these blocks in my life as I've done before: Learn to be more compassionate towards my limitations and finding ways around them. Other than giving it a name, are there any other benefits from a formal diagnosis?
Thank you for reading :)
I was recently diagnosed with high functioning Asperges syndrome and I can honestly say it has made my anxiety that I already battle with a lot worse. I was functioning before well no limitations but the feeling of being labelled and a pyschiatrist implanting the idea in to your head that you have a disability makes you feel awful. I wish to this day I never got the diagnosis I would have been a lot happier. Doctors are quick to label individual behaviour as a problem when in itself they are the problem expecting us all to be the same.
I'm sorry you are feeling that way. This is exactly how I'm feeling about this. Before I even considered being on the spectrum, I always saw aspies as highly intelligent, a league of their own, true genius. But once I started looking into it, trying to learn about it and see if I belonged in that category, I started seeing disability everywhere. That's what scares me the most, it's not seen as a trait but as a disability. I do understand that Asperger's and autism have different degrees, that's why it's a spectrum, and I do agree that at certain degree it is a disability, but I wouldn't say that all aspies are disabled, specially when many people in society value very highly the analytical skills that come with the syndrome.
You are different, but so is everyone else. You have some bad traits, but you also have good ones (and some great ones). Independently of the label you want to use, learn to leverage the good ones and minimise the bad ones. This is something everyone, on the spectrum or not, has to do. And above everything, be compassionate with yourself. No one will ever be perfect.
I have the same feeling about the diagnosis, but the next step will be the realisation that it's not all that bad. You are a human being, Think of people that are not so smart, the vast majority, 95 to 102? They don't qualify for all the jobs, their not being so witty also hampers them in their social interactions. They may even be a bit slow in the uptake when it comes to internet-communication... We don't need to be so harsh on ourselves... perfection is not necessary... you are who you are.