Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone!
I know this is a common question, and I found many threads on this forums (as well as blog posts somewhere else about it), but I feel like they don't fully address preoccupation. Ideally I would like to have a chat with someone who's gone through this, but I find it difficult to attend local groups, specially in this state of uncertainty. If anyone wants to have a chat, here or on any other platform, I'd be more than happy to.
I have joked about being on the spectrum since I was young because of my attention to detail, my analytical skills and my somewhat lacking social skills. I never took it seriously because I was highly functional and I didn't have any of the well-known traits such as stimming or fixation with certain words. Now, as an adult (35yo), I'm starting to feel certain blocks in my life, specially dealing with social situations, and looking back at my life there are many things that can be explained really well by Asperger's or HF Autism. From small things like being fussy with food because of the texture, to massive things such as mental health issues like depression and obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD).
The reason I would like to be diagnosed is to find help in overcoming my limitations. It helped in the past with depression and OCPD. Just knowing how they worked allowed me to find ways of coping with them, to the point that I wouldn't say I'm OCPD anymore (except for maybe some minor things) and my episodes of depression are now very short (a couple of days) and very far apart (can't remember when was the last one). If I can learn how ASD works in my own head, I would be able to find ways of going around it.
What is holding me back is that I don't like the idea of being labelled. It's not so much a matter of stigma, although that's part of it, but the fear that it will change my perception of myself and how others perceive me. I have always fought against being boxed. I don't like when people just accept (or not) something you do or say just because of some label, and it's something I experienced a lot with other labels I carried.
But my biggest fear is using that label to justify my limitations, or even start developing some traits because now "it's official". I know it's irrational, that just the label will not change who I am. I proved myself and others in the past that it's not your skills/talents, but what you do with them. I've done things I have never imagined I could do, so I should expect to be able to get over this as well. But the fear is there. I don't want to end up saying "sorry for my lack of filter, but I'm on the spectrum".
So I'm tempted to not give it a name and dealing with these blocks in my life as I've done before: Learn to be more compassionate towards my limitations and finding ways around them. Other than giving it a name, are there any other benefits from a formal diagnosis?
Thank you for reading :)
Hi there Indecisive. I fully understand where you’re coming from. For me, as soon as I realised I was autistic, I didn’t hesitate, I more or less went straight to the gp’s. I was aged 50. However, my life was already unravelling, and although I’ve been through this several times in my life, this time it was more severe, I wasn’t able to work, I knew I needed some financial support and I also needed to know, for my own peace of mind.
For me, it’s been life changing, in a positive way. But it is also very challenging as I release 50 years of pent up emotions and confusion etc. There’s a lot of grief and letting go and I’ve experienced some very dark moments, but I wouldn’t change it. I feel like I’ve been given my life back.
We’re all different. I have two friends on the spectrum, one has no interest at all in getting a diagnosis and the other one turned down the offer of an assessment but now when she’s ready, she’s going for one but she does identify herself as autistic, as I do.
Thank you again, BlueRay. This was also quite helpful. As you say, I have a choice. At the moment, if I go for the diagnosis it's for self-improvement, not for necessity. Whether I'm on the spectrum or not, I don't feel it has a strong impact in my life at the moment, other than adding a couple of bumps on my path. I need to learn more about what it all means before I can make a decision, and at the moment there is no pressure to make a decision.