autistic and be good at small talk and friendly and polite

Some of us are good at faking social interaction, but we're crying up inside.

I can believe this

Hi just to reinforce my position.

I have recently been having to mask up.interact so much for work with new customers,operational staff, 

It is taking its toll on me,

constant unorganised work. New sites, strange unknown places, different standards of health and safety, different levels of approved code of practice depending on the site, all supposedly working from the same rule book.

One minute I am just a worker, as in getting dirty,getting stuck in, then suddenly having to adjust myself to be a manager which is my main job, then being an understanding team leader, then on occasion having to act like a stern boss, mostly to reinforce the safety equipment that is mandatory.

So there’s me wanting to be given clear instruction for the work that is being done! (Not forthcoming or correct)

having to adapt to each character trait in an instant. 

I need help. I am a victim of my own ability to strive for perfection in everything I do, I study hard, I learn everything associated with any task as I only accept 100%, so trying to research all aspects of health and safety as I have completed a coarse as a health and safety supervisor.

I have become very successful. I seem to cope well in each specific area, worker,friend,boss,go between,informer,advisor.

All this I struggle with, Wednesday of this week I felt so anxious in the morning I felt sick, my mind was struggling, I nearly turned around as I got closer to our offices, I forced myself to go. I was stressing so much I was in my view stimming! Constantly counting as I was driving along, counting everything, signs,white lines,cars,fence posts, everything my eyes fell upon. It helped a bit but I was sweating and was nearly physically sick when I got there.

all this was just as I felt when attending school. Back then I would truant often,

I knew that morning,

I had to go to a new private house to do some work,relevant as all my normal work us for a very big company with strict guidelines and rules a plenty,basjcally structured,easy to follow.

This private job had none, 

There was very little information as to just what was Required?,no plans, 

Also my usual work mate was not in! So I was to work with an agency worker of unknown capability,unknown age,unknown race which in itself is no worry apart from the potential for language difficulties.

Just to many unknowns all coming together st once, I just couldn’t mask for each all at one time.

It turned out to be not so bad, the agency guy was Romanian and spoke very good English, was very nice, very helpful, 

The job turned out to be relatively simple, meaning not much material to organise etc,

In a few weeks I am expected to take on a very big contract, me not doing much manual work as I will be monitoring and acting as go between for workers and site controllers, many different trades on site. All needing supervision, lots of new faces, lots of organising. 

I will dress smart in manager style clothes, this gives me confidence as the look can give instant belief by others I am a manager.

wish me luck,I feel I will need it.

Apologies for the long post but missed the forum when it was “ down for essential maintenance”, Well it had a breakdown. I think?

x()x()x()x

Too true....but a lifetime of conditioning and also how we have patched ourselves up with our hit and miss interpretations of what the rules are (others rules)...

ditch the rules, lose the performance anxiety, just to "be" does not mean we do not care...that true acceptance of self is a very human ideology, not just for us miswired miscreants! xx 

But it will if we no longer use it as our yard stick to beat ourselves up with. It was simply a miss understanding, we were, we are and we will always be good enough, just as we are :) 

Thank you ellie, well yes I never really looked at my life like that but yes you are right, Even that is a challenge and I strive hard to make it work, not always the right choices but still feel the need to forge on.

I know I mark myself . I have felt to many times that I wasn’t good enough, mostly through the fact I just didn’t get a point, I give it my all only to be told I was wrong anyway. 

Thank you so very much for opening my eyes to such viewpoints.

x()x

Thank you friend. () x

I think we’re the judge, jury and the hanging man and we often find ourselves guilty as charged, to charges we charged ourself with, when all the while, nobody else gives a *** and we’re all in pieces because we didn’t or even if we did, get 100% perfection, sometimes it’s just as hard even when we do make the grade! I guess we’ve grown up with a sense of never feeling quite good enough so now we have a belief that whatever we do it won’t be good enough and even if it is, we still have to do better because that deep down feeling of not feeling good enough just won’t go away. But it will if we no longer use it as our yard stick to beat ourselves up with. It was simply a miss understanding, we were, we are and we will always be good enough, just as we are :) 

I think we’re the judge, jury and the hanging man and we often find ourselves guilty as charged, to charges we charged ourself with, when all the while, nobody else gives a *** and we’re all in pieces because we didn’t or even if we did, get 100% perfection, sometimes it’s just as hard even when we do make the grade! I guess we’ve grown up with a sense of never feeling quite good enough so now we have a belief that whatever we do it won’t be good enough and even if it is, we still have to do better because that deep down feeling of not feeling good enough just won’t go away. But it will if we no longer use it as our yard stick to beat ourselves up with. It was simply a miss understanding, we were, we are and we will always be good enough, just as we are :) 

Too true....but a lifetime of conditioning and also how we have patched ourselves up with our hit and miss interpretations of what the rules are (others rules)...

ditch the rules, lose the performance anxiety, just to "be" does not mean we do not care...that true acceptance of self is a very human ideology, not just for us miswired miscreants! xx 

But it will if we no longer use it as our yard stick to beat ourselves up with. It was simply a miss understanding, we were, we are and we will always be good enough, just as we are :) 

Thank you friend. () x