Not coming across like an unfeeling so-and-so on a forum

Does anyone here have issues with their approach to written communication and a 'matter of fact' view of the world causing people to think they don't have feelings for other people?

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  • Yes, though moreso with verbal interaction with people.  I find written communication easier to cope with as I can spend time re-reading it and editing it.  I find that I edit it depending on who the audience is, based on previous interactions with similar people and learning what things I am 'meant' to say.  So I do sometimes try to work out if it seems a little too 'matter of fact' for some groups of people.  This process takes too long in a verbal conversation as I have to try and process what someone says, think of my initial response, stop myself from saying it and then try to work out what would be 'more acceptable' to the person I'm talking to.

    This edited version appears to help other people see that I do care about others.

    If I were writing as me without the edits though it would be 'matter-of-fact'.  That does seem to make people think that I don't care about them, even though I do.  It's very difficult trying to work out what other people think is a way of expressing that you care about them.  

    I also find that other people have trouble accepting that the things that I say really are what I mean.  I get frustrated with people who decide that something I have said means something else.  This is particularly frustrating when other people place value judgements on something that I haven't.  A classic example would be someone asking what I think of someone in a particular outfit, i.e. does a person's bum look fat in a particular pair of trousers.  My initial response would be 'define looking fat', simply because I think it's a subjective question and I wouldn't be able to answer it without knowing what the definition of 'looking fat' is.  I also don't particularly care about what another person's bum looks like in a particular pair of trousers, that really is for them to decide for themselves.  However, the comment 'define looking fat' is sometimes taken as some kind of joke or insult and seems to be suggestive that I am saying that they are fat, which I'm not.  I've had similar issues with other comments where people make an assumption about a response because they have placed a value on it that I haven't.  I have started stating that to people ("you've placed a value judgement on what I said which I haven't, which means you've jumped to an incorrect conclusion") but it just seems to confuse them and they assume that I'm trying to get out of offending them.

    So yes, being 'matter of fact' does seem to get me into all sorts of unintended trouble.

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  • Yes, though moreso with verbal interaction with people.  I find written communication easier to cope with as I can spend time re-reading it and editing it.  I find that I edit it depending on who the audience is, based on previous interactions with similar people and learning what things I am 'meant' to say.  So I do sometimes try to work out if it seems a little too 'matter of fact' for some groups of people.  This process takes too long in a verbal conversation as I have to try and process what someone says, think of my initial response, stop myself from saying it and then try to work out what would be 'more acceptable' to the person I'm talking to.

    This edited version appears to help other people see that I do care about others.

    If I were writing as me without the edits though it would be 'matter-of-fact'.  That does seem to make people think that I don't care about them, even though I do.  It's very difficult trying to work out what other people think is a way of expressing that you care about them.  

    I also find that other people have trouble accepting that the things that I say really are what I mean.  I get frustrated with people who decide that something I have said means something else.  This is particularly frustrating when other people place value judgements on something that I haven't.  A classic example would be someone asking what I think of someone in a particular outfit, i.e. does a person's bum look fat in a particular pair of trousers.  My initial response would be 'define looking fat', simply because I think it's a subjective question and I wouldn't be able to answer it without knowing what the definition of 'looking fat' is.  I also don't particularly care about what another person's bum looks like in a particular pair of trousers, that really is for them to decide for themselves.  However, the comment 'define looking fat' is sometimes taken as some kind of joke or insult and seems to be suggestive that I am saying that they are fat, which I'm not.  I've had similar issues with other comments where people make an assumption about a response because they have placed a value on it that I haven't.  I have started stating that to people ("you've placed a value judgement on what I said which I haven't, which means you've jumped to an incorrect conclusion") but it just seems to confuse them and they assume that I'm trying to get out of offending them.

    So yes, being 'matter of fact' does seem to get me into all sorts of unintended trouble.

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