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You’re right, there are no guarantees but I admire your determination  and even knowing that you are the one taking charge of things can affirm a lot to be positive about.

I'm in a very similar position at 61, diagnosed privately 6 months ago. My current instinct, to get people to appreciate my position a bit more, is to relentlessly pursue my obsessions, so that people can no longer just rely on my usual survival demeanour. I retired from work with this in mind, but actually I want to get another career. My idea is that indulging my real interests may eventually lead to someone noting my skills and abilities. However, I can't really guarantee this approach will work. But I just have to plug away at it, as always. It does at least make me a lot happier.

Keep being strong ellie,,, we are all here if and when you need to just talk.

 The mask has done you well but now has to slip a little and let your inner self be heard and understood, very scary after so many years, it allowed you to become a very kind person, yes covering up the hidden struggles, often losing your own self to fascilitate for others, Teaching countless hundreds of young minds,allowing them to grow and go on to achieve anything they want to. You have more than coped! You are amazing always giving.

Now with much support and guidance let others help you for a change, Be the one who is supported, take a rest and allow all of us to help guide you through this difficult time.

much love and support, ()x()x()x() as always.

Ewok?! EWOK!? How dare you... -shoots you with a slingshot-  *then thinks about CP30, our god.*

Thank you Starbuck for your reply. It won’t change things for my partner but I do need to initiate a change in myself  an£ to go forward x thank you 

Hi Ellie,

I know that part of your time on the forums has been a process of understanding who you are and learning to live 'without the mask' all the time.

Sounds to me that this was no light decision as you need answers on the matter whatever the results,

The diagnosis process can be an anxious process, especially waiting on the outcome, but it is worth it for closure and to provide you with answers.  As Martian Tom has already stated, it won't change anything really, which is both good and bad, but it may help you and your partner to try and understand each other and what makes you tick.  I have found that although my partner and I haven't sat down and had an official conversation on the matter, he has obviously done some background reading and has approached the subject in stages to help us both come to terms and work with each other.  There is also some provoking and joking around the matter, but I give as much as I take, so if anything it has probably balanced the cutting humor we have a bit more. :)

Very true....but rather sad! 

True, but remember you have 'cracked on with it' on your own up til now, by virtue of not knowing what 'it' was, so you are likely stronger than you think.

The only trouble with that of course is that there is a high likelihood that everyone around you thinks you 'always seem so very capable' so never even notice when you are crumbling ..... And yes, while your problems don't affect them, they will ignore them. I reckon it's better to talk with like-minded folks (like-wired!) at that stage .... the others won't get it

More of an Ewok than a padawan, but with the wisdom of yoda! 

Thank you Moggsy....I guess for me one of the scary things is that mindset “just to crack on with it” on your own.

As I always “function” no one has asked if I’m ok as long as their world keeps spinning nicely.  It will take its time as you allude....many years of masks and learnt “ways to perform” won’t shift overnight... 

x

I think of myself more of a padawan than a youngling!  Sorry, I probably worded it wrongly, (the age thing) 
Do what you feel is right! - The right people will support you regardless.
No need to thank me, and you don't need to tell me twice... I love my ukelele. hehehe.

Thank you Foyster 

For a youngling you are very wise...(thank you for reminding me that i am nearly twice your age!! - lol). I could ask for a doctor to refer me but I am a coward and impatient.  I don't really want to wait so long. The first half of my life has been clocked on the system...time to harness my own self for the second act! 

Thanks again.  Keep playing that Ukulele!

It is very hard, I find myself reverting to NT pleasing persona now and then. It's horrible, but also quite empowering. 
I'm only 22, so I Can't imagine starting from your age, more and more and more years of that fake persona, it is gonna be a rough journey, Im sure it'll be amazing when you get through it though. 
I live in the UK so i got my diagnosis free, I was lucky, the waiting list for the diagnosis of Autism, is huge here (5-6 years) but I got in early, cs' my psychiatrist, felt it was detrimental, and knew how to do the diagnosis their self. 
The feeling of being isolated, and on your own- and growing up, changing every ounce of yourself to fit in, is horrible. 
I really wish you the best! :) 

The Foyster said:

I'd prefer to be myself and happy, than someone im not and completely fake and unhappy.

That is the aim...! and I am very lucky to have such wise people on here to support...but it seems one heck of a personal journey and it is tinged with sadness in that I have to gather all my inner Mo-Jo on my own.  Talk about mid-life crisis!! - :)   My OH thinks the cost of a diagnosis could be better spent.... grrrr!

. said:

"everyone is a bit like that"

First off, I'm HF Autistic, and have ADHD.... and I believe everyone has traits of autism, but I am firm believer in people not belittling autism, or any mental illness, because.... "Everyone is a bit like that" .  Sincere Ignorance, has to be one of the most annoying things I can imagine. But I guess with enough pushing, and teaching, these people can slowly learn. I treat ignorance, with food for thought. 
"Oh you find it hard to talk to people"  - 'everyone is a bit like that' - "Oh, so they'll struggle to make even small talk, and know facial expressions, and social ques?", If they say "Yes" Say "Cool, they might be autistic too then." 
 

. said:

Well, it's 2018 and trying to think of the best way forward.

I'm really trying to make 2018 my year, I'm ripping off this persona, I've used most my life to fit in, and if I lose friends, fine. I only got diagnosed not long ago but I can confirm, it is like an epiphany. It's like everything slots into place, why certain things and events happened certain ways.

I got diagnosed a few months ago, but I really hate this persona I have, I'd prefer to be myself and happy, than someone im not and completely fake and unhappy.

I hope you find your best way forward in 2018 Ellie! 
p.s  - Sorry if this seems slightly angry, cs' it is, I get "Everyone is like that" a lot, and it stopped me from seeking certain help for a long time.

Hi Ellie and Happy New Year :-)

Like you, I went down the private assessment/diagnosis route. I am not renowned for my patience and 'not knowing for sure' was just adding to the stress and anxiety that led me to look for explanations in the first place. I think my biggest fear was of no diagnosis, of being sent away with a simple 'no, you're wrong about this' and no alternative explanation.

I've got to say that based on my experience, you might not notice much change to life in general if you do get a diagnosis. In my case, the most immediate and clear difference was that I was able to explain to my boss why the commute was a huge problem for me and now have an agreement to work an extra day a week from home. Apart from that it's been a mixed bag. My dad was really quite interested, asked a lot of questions and was very supportive. He promptly motored through several books on the subject of Asperger's in a quest for knowledge. My mother hasn't actually mentioned it since I told her that I was right and now had a formal diagnosis, apart from to say that she hoped I was now coping a bit better with the anxiety. My sister I don't think understands what it is, and has carried on as before, I suspect never to mention the A-word again! My better half and my best mate have taken it in their stride and I think actually appreciate what makes me tick (or not) better than before. There are even a few jokes made about it ....

I guess what I am trying to say is that it's probably best not to expect too much  in the  way of a response to the news from others!!

I would definitely say it is worth getting a formal diagnosis though. Knowing what you are dealing with and why things are as they are is very valuable indeed. For you though, not anyone else. I can now much better rationalise my reactions to things. I force myself to stop and ask myself whether I am causing myself undue anxiety by my extreme black and white tendencies. As my father pointed out to me, there are many possible outcomes in any case, and 'horrifically bad' and 'absolutely amazing' are only the extreme ends. His words "I have made it to 70-odd and probably the worst has actually happened only about twice in my entire life. Normally it's something in the middle". I now try when in full-on catastrophising mode to pause and remind myself that there is also 'pretty bad', 'a bit rubbish', 'kind of average', 'pretty nice' and 'great' between the 2 extremes, and chances are it'll fall into one of those. It does actually help. 

On the other hand, there are some things, like sensory sensitivities, which cause anxiety and you can't do much about. I suppose being aware that that is what it is means you can try to avoid them as much as possible, but that's about it.

And last but not least, you have a justification for being you, rather than trying to meet an ideal set by a society that doesn't get what it means to be you. It can be quite a weight off your shoulders, knowing that you are not unfriendly, inept, lazy or anything else. You just are how you are .... no point in swimming against the tide. Being yourself has the added benefit of taking less energy than pretending to be what you guess other people expect you to be too. However, I do acknowledge that pretending is habit-forming and takes a while to let go of. I am still working on all of the above anyway! Probably the other reason that nothing changes overnight ....

Best of luck :-)