Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed with ASD on 16th October this year. Due to this, I have been feeling overwhelmed and dropped out of going to my partner's dad's for a Christmas weekend this weekend. My partners mum, who is divorced from his dad, is extremely offended by this and called him up last night to explain how unreasonable she felt my behaviour was and how she felt I should put up and shut up, despite his dad being fine with me not being there. I found this behaviour to be incredibly hurtful and upsetting. I want her to know this so that hopefully she can think before she acts in future. As his mum likes to write letters in these kind of situations I have written one to her. If possible, I'm looking for constructive feedback on how I can write it in a way that won't incredibly upset her.
Dear xxx,
I’m writing to you as I’ve been hurt and upset by how you have reacted over my withdrawal from going to xxx for one occasion in the 2.5 years myself and xxx has been together. As we could know each other for 40 years + I felt it was best to get this out in the open rather than let this fester. I hope you appreciate my honesty.
In the past, I’ve found you to be thoughtful and kind. Now that I’ve received my autism diagnosis I’ve been overwhelmed by the expectations placed on Christmas and how this highlights how much I struggle and will always struggle. Based on your past behaviour when you called xxx on Friday night I expected you to say something such as ‘I’m sorry to xx is struggling. What things does she find difficult and is there anything we can do to help?”. Instead, you came across as only being concerned about your own challenges with adapting to change and you made some very hurtful comments. As for the last 2.5 years I have put the needs of xxx family above my own, I believe missing one Christmas occasion to put myself first is called give and take, it isn’t unreasonable. However, even when xxx explained that I had cried for two solid days at the overwhelming emotions I was feeling, you continued to talk about my behaviour in a derogatory manner. That was really hurt.
One of the side effects of autism is overwhelming anxiety. The impact on my mental health can be seen in my initial misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder. It isn’t a case of being shy. Asking me to grit my teeth and just get on with things is completely inappropriate, as doing this in the past has left me wishing I was dead.
I didn’t go to xxx's as being autistic I find the following incredibly difficult, which is why, as much as possible, I have avoided sleeping over at yours when you have offered:
Despite what xxx says I don’t have an issue with xxx (brother in law) as an individual. Although I really feel for the pressure that xxx (daughter) and xxx (brother in law) are both under to present a certain image, I do believe that the image they try to present doesn’t match with their reality. Like many autistic people, I have an overwhelming need to tell, and for others to tell the truth. As such, I often find the way xxx and xxx talk challenging.
It is clear the impact that having to attend xxx (partner's dad's) family functions when you didn’t want to has had on you are still resentful of this despite being separated for many years. Being autistic means my emotions around social situations are magnified by 1000 so imagine how distressing these occasions can be for me. When you do this, hopefully you will be able to recognise and appreciate the incredible amount of effort I have put into integrating into your family.
Just a few examples of how I’ve put xxx’s (partner) and his family’s needs before mine include:
I understand from the telephone conversation that you are unnecessarily worried that you will never see xxx (my partner) again. This made your behaviour on Friday even more frustrating as instead of doing what you could to make me feel supported and included so I’d want to spend more time at yours you did the opposite and behaved in a way that was likely to push me away.
Until after your phone call on Friday the plan for Christmas at yours was that I’d attend every day but take my own car and go home in the evenings whilst xxx stayed. Therefore, as usual I’d be spending most of the festive period putting your families needs above my own despite feeling awful inside. As you showed no concern and a total lack of respect for my feelings, making me feel dreadful to please you feels completely inappropriate this year. Plus, I need a cooling off period from how hurt your words made me feel.
Regards,
xxx
Hello. I do hope this situation becomes easier. I endorse what the others have said. In addition there are two other things I would like to add. Firstly it sounds as though you are only recently diagnosed? So I think maybe you are adjusting to that yourself and it takes some time ( months -a couple of years) to come to terms with . So perhaps you are more sensitive at the moment and therefore more vulnerable in a situation such as this. So there is more need for you to be kind to yourself and know that even though families and gatherings and Christmas may not get any easier but as you adjust you may manage better as time passes or at least not beat yourself up so much. Secondly; mothers and sons, whatever the circumstances, marital status or personal asd aside... I think you will find most mum’s have a different bond to their sons than to their daughters. And it takes quite a while ( if ever) for families to shake down to comfortable with partners/spouses. I’m not condoning that but sometimes it helps to know it’s “not just us” type of thing. I don’t know if this helps put things in perspective a bit more but I think the situation is both general and specific. Not easy. The whole family at Christmas, mixing and socialising with groups extra stress and pressure of expectations is really hard for all of us. On top of that it sounds like you are working and in a people job and by the end of term teachers and students alike are exhausted. It sounds as though you and your partner are doing your best to support each other which is good. Keep one eye on the fact it’s just a few days and that in 2 weeks time life on the whole will get back to normal and you may have chance then to have a chat with mil.
Ps sorry not sure where I got the working teacher bit from. Family relationships are tough. Mine isn’t easy either. No one wants to hear the A word and don’t want to understand they just want me to know how me being me affected them or ignore it. One brother and I are on breaking glass at the moment. I wish you a peaceful heart
I haven't had a reply from MIL yet but I have managed to calm down and am able to be more kind in my feelings towards her thanks to everyone's thoughts. I was an emotional mess Friday night and yesterday. I'm starting a new post in Jan and have also started to sort out the the RAs I need for when I start. Two posts ago I took them to an employment tribunal as they refused to put RAs in place so I am a little apprehensive due to that. My new place have already agreed to an A2W though and they are hopefully getting me access to Brain in Hand so I'll have someone to talk to through the app about developing coping strategies.
MIL is pre-diabetic. When she found this out she was overwhelmed and very emotional for months. She is also very strict about putting adjustments in place and that we all have to adapt to her needs for her to be healthy and happy. If the situation arises I'm going to explain how her being overwhelmed and needing adjustments is the same situation I am in now. OH still doesn't think this will make a difference but at least I'll have done the best I can and will be able to accept that she isn't in a place to be accepting.
I do feel for the MIL as I think she has control issues and is also scared about being alone. Her mum died of cancer early in to mine and the OHs relationship. Her brother married during this time but was only away for a short while and his mum came to his post wedding party before she died. The brother was also by his mothers side when she died. MIL disagrees that he gout married during this period and as told him this. As he wouldn't say he agree with her point of view after she explained she was upset she's now cut him out of her life forever. This means all she has is her children. She has re-married but I believe they both settled for who they could find in the local pub rather than finding a relationship were they truly love each other. They fall out a lot.
I'm lucky the MIL is the first person whose made a negative comment in the two months I've known I'm autistic. My own family is supportive and are glad I now know why I struggle with certain things. From your replies, I now understand that instead of focusing on my hurt I need to learn ways to cope with the MILs behaviour if I'm going to support the OH like he supports me.
hope you are ok
Be prepared for return to work and all the greetings on arrival, arrive late if you can especially if you can't or won't take that day or and/or can't warn colleagues(s). Hope it goes ok.
Being fully sincere there NAS24859 and I apologise if I have been inappropriate.
I didn't want to mention it because it's about you here, but some years ago I went through a break up over the festive period and moved out on new years day. It was helpful that people cared and wished me positive things, they supported an optimistic outlook and gave me strength for the threats and legalities thereafter.