Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed with ASD on 16th October this year. Due to this, I have been feeling overwhelmed and dropped out of going to my partner's dad's for a Christmas weekend this weekend. My partners mum, who is divorced from his dad, is extremely offended by this and called him up last night to explain how unreasonable she felt my behaviour was and how she felt I should put up and shut up, despite his dad being fine with me not being there. I found this behaviour to be incredibly hurtful and upsetting. I want her to know this so that hopefully she can think before she acts in future. As his mum likes to write letters in these kind of situations I have written one to her. If possible, I'm looking for constructive feedback on how I can write it in a way that won't incredibly upset her.
Dear xxx,
I’m writing to you as I’ve been hurt and upset by how you have reacted over my withdrawal from going to xxx for one occasion in the 2.5 years myself and xxx has been together. As we could know each other for 40 years + I felt it was best to get this out in the open rather than let this fester. I hope you appreciate my honesty.
In the past, I’ve found you to be thoughtful and kind. Now that I’ve received my autism diagnosis I’ve been overwhelmed by the expectations placed on Christmas and how this highlights how much I struggle and will always struggle. Based on your past behaviour when you called xxx on Friday night I expected you to say something such as ‘I’m sorry to xx is struggling. What things does she find difficult and is there anything we can do to help?”. Instead, you came across as only being concerned about your own challenges with adapting to change and you made some very hurtful comments. As for the last 2.5 years I have put the needs of xxx family above my own, I believe missing one Christmas occasion to put myself first is called give and take, it isn’t unreasonable. However, even when xxx explained that I had cried for two solid days at the overwhelming emotions I was feeling, you continued to talk about my behaviour in a derogatory manner. That was really hurt.
One of the side effects of autism is overwhelming anxiety. The impact on my mental health can be seen in my initial misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder. It isn’t a case of being shy. Asking me to grit my teeth and just get on with things is completely inappropriate, as doing this in the past has left me wishing I was dead.
I didn’t go to xxx's as being autistic I find the following incredibly difficult, which is why, as much as possible, I have avoided sleeping over at yours when you have offered:
Despite what xxx says I don’t have an issue with xxx (brother in law) as an individual. Although I really feel for the pressure that xxx (daughter) and xxx (brother in law) are both under to present a certain image, I do believe that the image they try to present doesn’t match with their reality. Like many autistic people, I have an overwhelming need to tell, and for others to tell the truth. As such, I often find the way xxx and xxx talk challenging.
It is clear the impact that having to attend xxx (partner's dad's) family functions when you didn’t want to has had on you are still resentful of this despite being separated for many years. Being autistic means my emotions around social situations are magnified by 1000 so imagine how distressing these occasions can be for me. When you do this, hopefully you will be able to recognise and appreciate the incredible amount of effort I have put into integrating into your family.
Just a few examples of how I’ve put xxx’s (partner) and his family’s needs before mine include:
I understand from the telephone conversation that you are unnecessarily worried that you will never see xxx (my partner) again. This made your behaviour on Friday even more frustrating as instead of doing what you could to make me feel supported and included so I’d want to spend more time at yours you did the opposite and behaved in a way that was likely to push me away.
Until after your phone call on Friday the plan for Christmas at yours was that I’d attend every day but take my own car and go home in the evenings whilst xxx stayed. Therefore, as usual I’d be spending most of the festive period putting your families needs above my own despite feeling awful inside. As you showed no concern and a total lack of respect for my feelings, making me feel dreadful to please you feels completely inappropriate this year. Plus, I need a cooling off period from how hurt your words made me feel.
Regards,
xxx
Thank you for the advice, I do appreciate it. The MIL to be was a single mum for many years and as been said, she still feels as though she should have complete control over everything to do with her son especially at Christmas. She’s yet to realise she’s in a relationship with a bunch of adults so give and take needs to take place on both sides.
I don’t want to upset her but I do feel it’s right that I let her know how much she’s upset me in the hope that she decides to think before she acts in future. Despite this, my OH is my world and I’d hate for this to tear us apart so I am really torn. Part of me wants to let this slide so nothing happens between me and him but my sense of injustice is strong.
What do you think about v.2 below?
At the minute the OH has said he’ll stay with me at Xmas day as I’m so upset and we’ll go out for lunch but I know he’d rather be at his mums eatcing a traditional Xmas dinner. It's hard as if I’m put on the spot rather than in a letter I’m likely to tell her the full truth of what I think about how she’s behaved and I don’t think we’d recover from that.
I’m writing to you as I’ve been incredibly hurt and upset by how you have reacted over my withdrawal from going to xxx last weekend. I felt it was best to get this out in the open and I hope you appreciate my honesty.
Previously I’ve found you to be thoughtful and kind. As usual, I’ve been overwhelmed by the expectations placed on Christmas and now that I’ve received my autism diagnosis this has highlighted how much I struggle and will always struggle. Based on your past behaviour, I expected you to say something such as ‘I’m sorry to hear xxx (me) is struggling. What things does she find difficult and is there anything we can do to help?”. Instead, I found your attitude on Friday to be hostile, even after xxx explained that I had cried for two solid days at the overwhelming emotions I was feeling. Your reaction to my situation hurt.
I understand from the telephone conversation that you are worried that you will never see xxx (OH) again. Although I understand this must be upsetting for you, I struggle to understand the logic behind your concerns as it was just me who didn’t attend xxx (OHs dad). xxx (OH) still went so the evidence suggests you’d see me less but this wouldn’t affect xxx (OH) attending. Your concerns also made your behaviour on Friday even more frustrating, as instead of doing what you could to make me feel supported and included so I’d want to spend more time at yours, you did the opposite and behaved in a way that was likely to push me away.
I was grateful for xxx invitation, as I am for the ones from other members of xxx family, including you. I’d like xxx (partner) and his family to enjoy spending time together and I would like to participate too. However, my autism makes such social situations extremely challenging and detrimental to my wellbeing, so much so I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. Such events mean a change of routine and I find social situations challenging no matter how much I want to be included. I am sorry if my decision to not attend xxx (OH’s dad’s) on this one occasion caused you upset, it was not meant to. Please understand that the difficulties I have are not a reflection on you, your family or your hospitality.
Until your telephone call on Friday, I was still planning on seeing you on Xmas day and Boxing Day but to make the situation more manageable I was going to bring my own car and leave early, whilst xxx (OH) slept over at yours. It is only your behaviour that has now got me considering not attending.
I would keep the mil out of it and own your hurt. For example, just tell her that you are really upset, anxious and overwhelmed by all the disruption you seem to have created, due to your inability to meet expectations. Say you are grateful that they have invited you into their family but they must understand that your autism prevents you from taking a full part of the arrangements. Not out of any animosity or dislike of anybody or the plans, but that you simply can’t manage too much social interaction, particularly at this time of year.
You would dearly love the opportunity to get together to help her understand how your condition affects you and you trust that she will understand. With her understanding and patience, you could maybe attend for some of the time because you do want to be included and you know how important it is for your partner to spend time with his family.
Write out as many letters as you want, letting total rip into how you’re really feeling, but don’t send them. We all want harmonious relationships and people won’t understand us until we tell them and we can’t tell them until they’re prepared to listen. So keep it brief, keep her out of it completely, and pave the way for more understanding and acceptance. It’s hard for us to understand them and it’s equally hard for them to understand us and they won’t listen until they want to and it won’t help us in the least to tell them about us if they’re just not interested. As someone else said, keep your feelings to yourself or at least between us, don’t let her know what they are. Just that you’re upset you can’t be a bigger part of the festivities and that you trust she will understand.
Make it short enough so that you can write it on a lovely thoughtful card that expresses genuine love and compassion. She’s not the enemy and you don’t want her to be. But keep the letters coming (to us) if that helps, just keep it short and snappy to her.
NAS24859 said:My OH is really close to his family so I'm scared that he’s going to listen to his mother’s prejudices and leave me. I'm scared he’ll leave if his mum doesn’t like me. We’re meant to be buying a house together and getting engaged this year. If he goes I’ll constantly be on my own apart from when I go out to work. I’m a teacher so my job is incredibly draining. If I tell her the full extent of things, which might help her understand ASD, it means she'll know I've often had suicidal feelings due to having to socialise and interact with people on a regular basis. I can’t see her wanting her son to go out with some like that.
That sort of thinking seems rather familiar to me... Can you get some reassurance from your partner on that? Otherwise that fear is going to make it even harder to cope with the other things that need dealing with. I've run into a lot of trouble asking for reassurance though because people felt offended by what I could imagine them to do (even when they did exactly that later, but obviously this was because I made it happen, incredible how much power over their decisions I apparently had), so I'm not saying this is necessarily a good idea. But if you can get some reassurance this would probably help.
Still too long, in my opinion. Not that that counts for much, mind you.
i agree with many of the earlier comments regarding both length and tone.
I don't think you'd really want to give her any extra ammunition (such as being able to wave your effort under the noses of the rest of the family).
Question: How might your OH react when she shows him the letter you've sent?
(you wouldn't want to alienate him yourself, right...?)
As a teacher myself I know that you are probably facing end of term burnout which also heightens emotional vulnerability x
The latest draft of the letter.
Dear xxx
I am concerned at the upset that has been caused by me decision to be open and honest about being autistic and the ill health I am currently suffering due the expectations placed on me at Christmas time and the knowledge my diagnosis brings. There was no intention of upsetting or hurting anyone and least of all you.
I was grateful for xxx (OH dads) invitation, as I am for the ones from other members of xxx’s family, including you. I’d like xxx and his family to enjoy spending time together and I would like to participate too. However, my autism makes such social situations extremely challenging. Such events mean a change of routine, which is upsetting, plus I find social situations difficult no matter how much I want to be included. I am sorry if my decision to not attend Steve’s on this one occasion caused you upset, it was not meant to. I believed the situation would highlight how hard I have tried to fit in over the last 2.5 years despite how this has often causing me incredible anxiety and I hoped you would all appreciate my effort. Please understand that the difficulties I have are not a reflection on you, your family or your hospitality.
I understand from the telephone conversation that you were upset over concerns that you will never see xxx (OH) again. I’m positive xxx will want to see you regularly, after all you are his mum. Plus, although I didn’t go to xxx (OHs dads), xxx (OH) did attended so the evidence suggests you wouldn’t see xxx (OH) less even if you didn’t see as much of me. The phone call on Friday was extremely frustrating to hear, especially as xxx (OH) had made you aware that I was sat next to him. If you were worried about seeing less of me and the impact this would have on xxx (OHs) attendance I’d have thought you’d have said something such as “I’m sorry xxx (you are) is struggling, is there anything I can do to help”. That would have made me feel support and closer to you. Instead I was hurt and upset by your comments.
To make this years Christmas at yours more manageable, the plan was to see you Christmas Day, Boxing Day then the 27th for the cinema. I wanted to sleep at mine each evening so I could control how long I was out for and had to socialise for, whilst xxx was going to sleep over at yours on the 25th to spend more time with you. However, due to the upset over the difficulties I face has caused you and your reaction to this, I feel that it is better if I do not come this year. Reading the book “Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Understanding Life Experiences from Early Childhood to Old Age” may give you an understanding and appreciation of what it is like for me and how hard I work in the hope that you will accept me as part of your family.
I hope that you can find a way to accept who I am when I am not masking the difficulties I experience so that we can maintain have a relationship. It would be nice to be able meet for xxx (OHs) birthday in January.
Thanks everyone. I really wish I could have your perspective and could take the high ground, it would make things so much easier. I have been taking everything on board and really appreciate your insight into the situation.
The OH has gone to the social occasion at his dads today so I'm on my own this weekend, which I normally relish. This challenge has all consumed me. I only slept for five hours last night and I've been sat at my computer re-reading and slightly altering the letter again and again. I couldn't even take the time out to cook. I'm heartbroken and blowing everything out of proportion. I’ve gone out of my way to please her even when I’ve hated the social situation I’ve been put in and how it made me feel. She didn’t care what she said and how it upset me. She’s been incredibly self-centered and if I acted like she has there would be uproar.I want her to know how bad her behaviour is and how completely inappropriate it is. I’m 33, she’s almost 60 and NT. It’s incredibly unfair that I’ve just got my diagnosis and I’ve got to take the burden on of making our relationship work, yet its ok for her to act badly to the point that I’m so upset I lose days of my life. Argh! I’m also annoyed that I’m annoyed its unfair, its one of those days.
My OH is really close to his family so I'm scared that he’s going to listen to his mother’s prejudices and leave me. I'm scared he’ll leave if his mum doesn’t like me. We’re meant to be buying a house together and getting engaged this year. If he goes I’ll constantly be on my own apart from when I go out to work. I’m a teacher so my job is incredibly draining. If I tell her the full extent of things, which might help her understand ASD, it means she'll know I've often had suicidal feelings due to having to socialise and interact with people on a regular basis. I can’t see her wanting her son to go out with some like that.
I wish I was more confident today. Most days I’m happy being me. I might not fully understand social rules but I go out of my way to be kind, so I think I’m pretty ok as an individual. This has made me feel as though the world is collapsing in on me as I’m autistic and can’t just be like everyone else. Its making me feel dreadful for struggling with socialising. Grrr!
Exactly, because really, this is about our struggles and we don’t want to make our struggles into a battle or into a blame game and we don’t want to be explaining ourselves to every Tom *** or Harry who hasn’t got the slightest real interest in us. We don’t have to apologise for ourselves or explain ourselves but we can say we’re sorry we’re not able to meet their expectations and we trust that they will understand. So we leave the door open but we put it on their toes. If they want to know more, they can ask. They’re the ones supposedly good at communicating. X
I like that advice....buy a card...and keep the response card sized....which means 4/5 key sentiments....a short rope...key sentiments...but not enough to create a massive blow up x