Published on 12, July, 2020
When I was mentioning my social interaction difficulties to the nurse yesterday she said I was ok one to one. I saw that as something of a dismissal of my issues. I pointed out to her it was because it was factual(we were going through my life history). I also pointed out I have great difficulty initiating conversations and making small talk.
I could never just go up to someone and start a conversation, but if they approached me ,and talked to me, I would be polite enough to reply as best I could.
I personally don't see that being 'ok' one to one within a certain context is a sign that that applies across the board. Unless the thinking is if you are on the spectrum you are just bound to be antisocial , and not engage in conversation whatever the background factors. If you can engage with conversation at all then somehow you don't have problems that way.
I can start conversations, no problem, I can even enjoy conversations - if I’m talking about my special interest and they don’t attempt to join in or interrupt me! I can appear very sociable and conversational, I’m probably more extrovert than introvert but I still have difficulties with social interaction. I hate small talk or the way people start a conversation and other people chime in (not in the way we do on here) but almost like point scoring or something. I’m not anti social but ‘normal’ conversations leave me cold, confused, lonely, anxious, obsessive, melt downs, shut downs and a desire to shut myself away, forever! If I was this person everyone seems to think I am, why aren’t I having a life like them? Many people don’t understand this, I don’t understand it but I experience it. Some would say my difficulties with social interaction are mild, I’d say they’re severe, they have no idea what it’s like for us and some are adamant that they’re right. I have wondered if my psych nurse actually understands autism. I know he does, to some degree, but I remember sitting in front of him and wondering, does he actually get this?!?!? I wasn’t sure.
I like people and would like to spend more time with them. I love being at my autism group and I do have some friends that I see sometimes. I’m meeting up with some on Monday and I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. But what people don’t realise, is that after that interaction, I go back to my little world of autism. They go on with their day, with their families, jobs etc and although I recently found out that the one I would consider the most sane and normal out of the group of 3 ladies, was on antidepressants once. I know people have their difficulties and struggles but what is hard to communicate, is that ours are different to theirs. I don’t understand their world but I can play a part in it but how can they play a part in ours?!?!? I don’t know.
I think CBT, as you said [DongFeng5) gets you to focus on the positives but for me, that’s pretty dangerous because I then miss what’s really going on and I end up like I am now, in a mess. And why would we want to ignore parts of us? It doesn’t seem quite right. I don’t think CBT is for us. I would love to hear if anyone has got benefit from it. I’ll try anything.