Odd how it catches up...

As a few of you will know, my mother passed away in April after I'd nursed her through her final six months of life.  That role helped me to cope, I think, with the aftermath.  That and the signs I got that she was looking out for me.  My natural self-reliance was another thing: I'm used to a solitary life and taking care of myself.  Finally, there was the book I was writing about our time together, and about our life history. That helped to keep her alive, in a sense, for me.

It's over seven months ago now.  In that time, I've finished the first draft of the book and started a new job, which I've settled into reasonably well.  I don't like the travelling.  But I like only working four days and routine, unchanging hours.  The work itself isn't what I thought it would be, and I find it a bit of a trial some days - but it's okay.

I was happier at my old place, which I left to look after mum.  Last week, I saw my old job advertised and applied for it.  I have an interview on Wednesday.  I don't need to prepare.  I know the people well enough.  I know what they'll ask.  I think it will be a formality.  It'll mean slightly longer hours, and eventually alternating late and early shifts.  I don't like that idea so much.  But again, I liked it there.  And it's just along the road from where I live, so no more travelling.  I can sell the car.

Naturally, though, this stuff is all churning through my head.  Is it too much change, too soon?  Two new jobs in the same year that I lost my mother?  Am I asking too much of myself?

Today, I started the second draft of the book.  Much more is coming out.  I can feel it coming to life.

And now - tonight, just a half-hour ago - something suddenly hit me and brought me low.  It was like that sudden sense of dropping you get in a very fast-descending elevator. 

Mum's gone.  She's not here any more.  That wonderful person is gone, and all I have is the memories, the keepsakes, the photos... and this pile of pages of her life.

I never expected it to creep up on me like this.  The time of year probably isn't helping, as she always loved Christmas, and we always had such a lovely time together - just the two of us - over Christmas.

But she's no longer there. 

Phew.  I need to go to bed.