Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi folks,
That time of year is on us again. It's going to be harder than usual for me this year as it'll be the first year in all of my 58 years that I haven't spent Christmas with mum. For the last 20 years, too, Christmas has just been me and mum. I've usually gone to her place on Christmas Eve and stayed over until Boxing Day. It's been our special time together. My brother and his wife live just a few minutes away, but they've never invited her over in all of that time, and they always spend Christmas with my sister-in-law's family. They usually called in on mum for a couple of hours on Christmas Eve... and then she wouldn't see them again until the new year (though my brother would always give mum a ring on Christmas morning). For a few years now, I've had a standing joke that he should have taken her surname at marriage rather than the other way around! I've spoken at length about her in other posts, so people will know how I feel. She's a narcissist. She's brainwashed my brother over the years, estranged him from his natural children, created difficulties for me... basically, caused a lot of emotional damage. She's divisive and manipulative: a very toxic person anyway, but especially to someone like me. For a long time now, I've kept friendly with them mainly for mum's sake.
Now that mum's no longer with us, there isn't really a need to keep that pretence up any longer. So I've told my brother that I'm simply not going to do Christmas this year. I don't especially feel like it, anyway - but mainly it's so that I don't need to have anything to do with them. I'm not going to write Christmas cards or buy any gifts. We only really gave token gifts, anyway. There are some family members - a couple of aunts and cousins - that I could send cards to. But my brother's in touch with them as well, and I'm sure he'd find out and would be upset. So it's just easier to leave it altogether. I think they'll all understand, anyway.
I can't help feeling mean about it all, though. It's just a card, after all. I sent my brother and his wife their birthday cards and gifts as normal in July (three months after mum's passing) because I would have felt awkward not doing it. It was a token gesture on my part. A bit of 'people-pleasing, too. I need to break ties, though. They don't really mean anything to me. Also, I find it very hard to forgive some of the damage that she's done. My brother's natural daughter, who's now over 40 and happily married and settled, still has tears over the 'loss' of her father. I think, if I'm absolutely honest, he suffers because of it all and is torn up inside. But nonetheless, he's made his life choices. If anything happened to his wife - and her health is precarious - he would be totally lost. Having said that, her family will take him in. He spends more time with them than with any on my side. He even holidays with them. And, as I said, he's always with them for Christmas.
Families! I wonder how other people feel about my intentions - and how other people deal with these matters themselves at this time. It's very difficult.
Here's the text of an email I've just sent to my brother. Honestly, if it wasn't for him and his wife, I would send cards. But if they found out I'd done so and not sent any to him or his step-daughter (I have absolutely no wish to have anything to do with her again, as I think he knows), then there would be another earthquake that I could do without right now. It's a very tricky thing - but maybe it'll come to a head in some way over Christmas. I want nothing more to do with them at all. Our relationship is superficial, to say the least. There's no love-loss. If he still thinks of me in some way as 'close' family, when his closest family now hardly consists of a blood relative at all, then he's seriously deluded.
Anyway... I've been as diplomatic as possible, I think...
Hi ****,
I went over to Ramsgate on Saturday and gave a donation to the cats charity shop in the High Street (where Daisy came from). I've also given something to Pilgrim's Hospice. The Dogs' Trust shop is no longer there, so I'll probably take something over to the rescue centre in Chestfield. Another thing I've done is given something to The Woodland Trust, for which they'll plant a tree in memory of a loved one. I did it for two trees, actually - one each for mum and dad - which will be planted in Brede High Woods, Sedlescombe, East Sussex. It's quite close to Peasmarsh.
I understand your need to have Christmas with as much normality as possible. I'm doing what I can in that way. I bought a small tree in the market and have put that up. But that's as much as I feel like doing. It'll be the first Christmas Day in my life that I haven't spent with mum, as child and adult. For the last twelve years, too, it's just been the two of us together on Christmas Day. So, it can't really be a normal Christmas Day for me. I'm intending to go over to a homeless shelter in Canterbury - or maybe to another shelter in Ramsgate, where a friend (in a similar situation, with her mum in a home with Alzheimer's) is helping out. I'm sure there's something I can do there for a few hours - even if it's just chat to the folk. Apart from that, I just want to be at home alone for the rest of the season. I know that sounds dismal, but it actually suits me and is what I prefer to do. I'm off until the Wednesday, so it'll just be a couple of days - as with most, I suppose.
J**** got in touch to find out what I was doing, and I told her about my intentions - including not wishing to have gifts bought for me. I'd just sooner not. She said she'd pass that on to C****. Most people should know, anyway. It's the first year I haven't sent cards. I usually wrote all mine and sent them on the first weekend in December. The one thing I've done is write a letter to I**** in Canada - sending her a calendar, as mum always did. Some people may not agree with what I'm doing, and perhaps think I should make the effort. That's not something I can do much about, though. Most of the people I've spoken to about it - friends at work, etc - agree with it. But I can't please everyone. I've often tried to, but I can't do it this time. Like I said, I hope everyone will at least understand and respect my feelings and wishes.
Hope all's going okay. Speak to you soon.
All the best,
K
J and C are his natural children. J is the one most damaged by the estrangement from him. He probably won't be happy that we're in contact - but that's his problem, I'm afraid!
Very nicely put. You are doing what's right for you and that's what matters.