Published on 12, July, 2020
An informal thread for all misfired and miswired women on the spectrum...,(and guests). A new thread as we can chat away but are not so good tidying up after ourselves....too busy being awesome..,,
This is a new iteration of many long and warm and welcoming contributions. This is a happy and supportive place x
Hi fellow mis-wired women .... I wanted to ask you a question. Do any of you have any female friends? I have always found it far harder to deal with women than men. Men tend to say what they mean far more than women do, so they are easier to figure out. Women seem to have a lot of hidden meanings, little tricks and in-jokes going on, some of it probably designed to exclude, especially when young. So in short, I have never been able to figure out how to do it.
The thing that is bugging me since my diagnosis is that I have been forced to accept that while I at least thought I could do 'making friends' with guys, I haven't actually ever managed it at all, in my entire life (now 46). What I was able to learn how to do is seduce men, which is far easier to understand and learn the rules for than making friends with NTs will ever be, but clearly not the same thing! This is why the few people who I think of as my friends are all ex-lovers from way back. They were people who I spent long enough together with to form a connection, which endures to this day. It is probably also why there is a trail of break-ups behind me, instigated by me. I met guys who I found interesting and nice and fun and wanted to be friends with, but I had no idea how to do that, so I took the easy way out and became more than friends with them. I now feel like a bit of a s*&t because they were all good, nice guys, who often didn't understand why it didn't work out and what they did wrong. And yes, I do feel bad about that. Probably 3/4 of them should have been friends, not lovers, but I didn't / don't know how to achieve that.
I am not sure I understand NT friendship either. I have been involved in 'friendships' with other couples, instigated by my ex-husband. In one case, we travelled an hour each way to visit them, almost weekly. They pretty much never made the effort to come to our place. My hubby didn't seem to be particularly bothered by this. If I had been navigating that one without his guidance, I might have driven to see them a few times, then would have waited for them to call me and/or visit me. If they never did, I would have assumed they weren't that interested in being friends with me. To my black and white Aspie brain, no effort = no interest. Is putting up with this kind of thing normal in NT friendships, I wonder? (rhetorical question - I'm sure you can no more answer that than I can). My sister, who has loads of friends, seems to put up with quite a lot from them at times, including at times the sort of behaviour that would make me have nothing more to do with someone.
Anyway, I am not asking this because I want to be able to make friends. Luckily I am very happy with the ones I have got, because after my post-diagnosis introspection I doubt I could make any new ones if I tried. I am just curious to know if any of you find NT women easier going than I do, and whether anyone identifies with the any of the above.
Dear Moggsy
what a great reply and a very honest one. Like you, I find it easier to make friendships (or at least acquaint and interact) with men rather than women. Like you I find them more straightforward (Lone...that is not meant in a derogatory way)...but I have always been more male-brain/tom boy and my special interest is Tech. I am not a pink and pretty woman....more a black and white, sleeves rolled up and get on with things kind of women.
I don't really get women but at primary school my two and only friends were both girls....maybe it all changes when puberty kicks in.?..and the gossip, the make up....the other NT stuff that heads are filled with...when your own head doesn't mean that it is filled with ND stuff.
There are women on this forum that I admire and feel close to - emotionally empathetic, intellectually stimulated by, care for, and identify with..Maybe the mix of ND to ND works better than Female NT to Female ND.... - be interested to know what the men on the forum think.
The challenge I have on top of this is my OH doesn't like me conversing with men...though working in the tech sector means that 90% of my work colleagues are male...but then he is judging things in a sexual / framework the predatory NT fear factor way...which frustrates me no end...as again with my ND self on.....i am just not wired that way!!!
Arrrgh! - as they say!!
the friendship rulebook like you say is a challenge and has many hoops and obstacles...and like relationships the emotional worth we attribute to them means that gaining them and possibly losing them becomes an emotional big deal..
A really good topic to raise....now I bet to get on with work....this was just a quick lunchtime check...but you drew me in!! lol
Ellie (42, and 3/4)