Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, i have enough autism to be rubbish at all my jobs - clumsy, bad coordination, no memory, easily confused, never know what time or day it is, find it hard to follow conversation, useless at maths, physically weak, don't notice anything around me, no social skills etc etc - with no strengths or special interests. The problem is that i am always the one who is clearly worst at their job, way below average. However, i have adequate verbal production skills so people aren't able to ascribe my mistakes to my learning disabilities as they do with people who are 'obviously' learning disabled (slow or limited speech etc). This means that i am always bad at it and colleagues are always glancing at each other as i make another mistake yet again, or worse (whispering, laughing, when i come in the room when they're sharing my latest stupid error.) Now i'm extremely lucky, as they tolerate me here, for the first time i haven't got sacked, and it only happens as a result of what i did and happens to everyone when they make mistakes and isn't malicious. But mentally and emotionally i find it hard to cope with, partly because i have never been emotionally close to anyone ever so i can't talk to anyone about it (internet means nothing to me so can't help), and partly because i'm sick of the normal childish coping methods (fantasies of being different, clever, powerful, or of revenge 'i'll show them'). When you're stupid at school, pretending one day they'll realise you're a wizard or planning to one day be a super-spy are fine as you'll escape into real life. But i'm rather sick of the adult equivalent. There isn't an area of life or an interest in which i shine (i don't really want one but i can see it would help if you did). Instead i need to not mind being backward and having low social status because of it. I don't mind when i'm not at work, but i spend forty hours a week there and make constant mistakes, dyspraxic ones which aren't going to go away, so i'd like a way of emotionally coping. Intellectually i accept my status fine, but i really need to stop getting a bit cross and upset about it at work. (I don't mean meltdowns or anxiety, i mean sulky or grumpy.) A lot of people here must be in the same boat, so i'd love to know how you cope! Thanks.
nb unskilled manual labour constantly around other people, in sales, not office job or management etc
i don't meant, social status as something i feel i have: i mean, that feeling of humiliation you get when you're the stupid one everyone else is whispering about or laughing about. I don't feel it for long, i mean, how do you cope with the emotions of humiliation and rejection for the ten or twenty minutes afterwards that you still remember it? I personally do not enjoy these emotions and cannot avoid them either; i don't like being laughed about, although it's perfectly fair, it happens to anyone when they make a mistake. This must be an everyday experience for everyone with autism at work, so i expect it's just me that doesn't enjoy it
maia said: i don't meant, social status as something i feel i have: i mean, that feeling of humiliation you get when you're the stupid one everyone else is whispering about or laughing about.
i don't meant, social status as something i feel i have: i mean, that feeling of humiliation you get when you're the stupid one everyone else is whispering about or laughing about.
In order to be the 'one everyone else is whispering about or laughing about' you have as such been fostered with and assumed the 'stupid one' role in terms of social status, i.e. the 'village idiot' or 'fool'.
The more you allow yourself to play into the role in terms of feeling humiliated by others, the more you emotionally adopt the role ~ the more you thereby strengthen your social status as such. Learn not to focus on that which others do in terms of treating you as a laughing stock, as in the sense of focusing more on other things instead. Not easy I know, but certainly doable, developmentally speaking.
Consider for instance that firstly you are not stupid at all, otherwise you would not be able to relate with us and respond to our replies as you have done in your posts.
The reality is more in fact that you do not have much of a short term memory, but you do have a long term one, and working with and from that will be much more worthwhile and productive. By this I mean you need to work by routine in order to establish a pattern of activities that can be enhanced, improved upon, as slowly and progressively being refined. Take your time and watch for mistakes, and have them become more and more retakes.