Published on 12, July, 2020
It took me years to realise that his constant nagging, anger and verbal abuse was not caused by me, it’s caused by what is going on inside him.
He never understands what I’m trying to say or describe. Can’t put two corners of a sheet together, is disorganised flitting from one job to another leaving chaos behind. He never finishes anything, is becoming increasingly uncertain about his ability to drive. If something minor happens, like being told that his suitcase is 1 sock over the weight limit he panics. I stopped entertaining years ago because he would reduce me to tears prior to the arrival of guests saying the place was not ready for guests.
We have no joint friends other than three sets of neighbours, all of whom thought that he hated them until years down the line, where upon they have decided that he is more at ease with them.
I’ve left him three times in the past, always returning because he’s been nice to me but he always reverts to type. He withdrew any physical intimacy after the first couple of years of marriage.
I worked away from home for the last ten years of my working life and he never once even said he missed me.
Hes not been diagnosed but our three children have dyslexia and my son is not a great communicator but is affectionate and loving with his partner.
Now that the children are adults with their own lives, I feel unloved and it’s even worse just now as we are downsizing. I can hold my own in any of the situation when he becomes aggressive but don’t want to live like this for the rest of my days. We saw marriage guidance and a psychologist years ago - a condition I imposed when returning. All I got out of it was - leave the room when he becomes argumentative- which works however does not reduce the number of outbursts. The psychologist and a friend have both said that he does love me. I’m sure he finds life very difficult in many ways and part of me hadn’t given up on trying to be there for him. Also I don’t have the energy to move out again.
If you’ve got this far in the story, any advice please, we are both suffering.
I would suggest he goes to get an assessment for autism. I was with my last partner for almost 6 years not knowing that I was autistic although I did suspect it in him towards the end!!! Looking back, I think he is too and if we had known, I'm sure we could have worked it out because despite the lack of intimacy and 'normal' displays of affection, we really did get on very well. We went to several relationship counselling sessions, different ones, but we never got anywhere because nobody picked up on the autism. I firmly believe that if he understands the condition and he is willing to work with you to make for a more harmonious relationship, it can work. Underneath it all, we are very loving and often long to be open with that love, we're just not sure how to do it but I do believe that with love, compassion and patience, we can. It's like it's easier for me to tell people I hate them when inside I'm screaming I love you but it won't come out. It's a complex condition and nobody really understands it but with knowledge of the condition, so many things fall into place. You deserve more than what you are getting but walking away isn't always the answer; however, he has to play his part and if he wants to keep his relationship, he's got a responsibility to do what he can to help it along and getting a diagnosis would be a first step. My friend is married to a man who is autistic (she never knew when they first met) and their children are autistic so it can be pretty tough for her sometimes but he has his diagnosis and he's actually a big help in many ways. Your husband could bring so much to this relationship if only he would give himself a chance. I would say without a doubt, he really needs to go and get an assessment. My journey towards getting an assessment was a very smooth ride, it was stressful at times, waiting for the results, even though I had no doubts, but I was so proud of myself for going to the gp and asking for a referral. That alone boosted my self esteem so much and made me a better person to be around even though ironically, I have chosen not to be around people just now. Well I didn't chose it exactly, I'm in burnout, but I feel much more tolerant of people already. Realising I was autistic saved my life, literally, and up until today, I don't think I have felt like killing myself once and today's little episode didn't last long. Getting a diagnosis doesn't change us but it gives us answers and enables us to change in ways that we are able to change, to make life easier for us and our love ones if they are still willing to be around us. Simple little tricks can help but we need to know what we're dealing with so I really do strongly suggest that he goes to his gp and asks for a referral for an assessment.
Why did you feel so low today?
I think that I didn't realise why getting the diagnosis was so important to me. I thought (without being consciously aware of it) it would mean my family would finally see that I didn't intentionally try to ruin their lives. My sister said I ruined her childhood with my tantrums and meltdowns and weird behaviour and I have never felt part of the family but didn't know why. I thought that now I had the diagnosis, they would want to learn more about autism and more about me but they don't want to know anything about it. My sister just said, in a text, that it's just a label and for me to not identify with it. None of them have asked me anything about it even though I asked if we could all have tea together last week, to discuss it. We had tea but nobody mentioned it. I didn't say anything, I walked away a little sad but I thought I had accepted it. I joined a support group for autistic people the next day and thought I had found a new little family but today I woke up and couldn't stop crying. As I started to write about it (this helps me process stuff) I realised that this is what I was hoping for more than anything with the diagnosis and now that I have admitted that to myself, I can accept it and move on. I felt like my world was about to end this morning and for the first time in 18 months, I wanted to kill myself but as I began to understand what it was all about, that feeling left me, the tears dried up and I won't disown my family or be mean to them or anything, but the long search for wanting to fit in with them is over and I am going to concentrate on creating a life that I can sustain and that makes me happy. Emotions are hard for me, I rarely understand them but I'm learning. It does make me feel sad that my family are not interested but more than that, I am determined to make a life for me.
Thank you Nellie, I really appreciate that. My moods are really up and down at the minute, which I wasn't expecting. I don't feel like I'm going to harm myself but I the other day I did feel desperate to talk to someone. I'm going to take down the numbers. I have got the number for the mental health team here and their out of hours number and I have used it before now and I got support so at least I know that support is there if I really need it.
I thought I had come to terms with the diagnosis as I have known for 18 months but it seems I haven't or I haven't fully realised the implications. I'm an eternal optimist which is good in one sense but I think it can work against me sometimes. I think I'm struggling to accept that I'm not on an equal footing to NT's. I think if the world was more spiritually evolved I would do brilliant but the fact is it isn't and as such I struggle.
Thank you for your concern and your support and the numbers, I'm going to take them down. Thank you.
Hi Former Member,
We are glad that you are feeling better, but should you experience these feelings again, it’s very important to tell someone. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.
If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx
The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.
MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.
If you are ever very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.
If you need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be emailed on autismhelpline@nas.org.uk or they’re open Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm on 0808 800 4104.
Best wishes,
Nellie-Mod