Published on 12, July, 2020
It took me years to realise that his constant nagging, anger and verbal abuse was not caused by me, it’s caused by what is going on inside him.
He never understands what I’m trying to say or describe. Can’t put two corners of a sheet together, is disorganised flitting from one job to another leaving chaos behind. He never finishes anything, is becoming increasingly uncertain about his ability to drive. If something minor happens, like being told that his suitcase is 1 sock over the weight limit he panics. I stopped entertaining years ago because he would reduce me to tears prior to the arrival of guests saying the place was not ready for guests.
We have no joint friends other than three sets of neighbours, all of whom thought that he hated them until years down the line, where upon they have decided that he is more at ease with them.
I’ve left him three times in the past, always returning because he’s been nice to me but he always reverts to type. He withdrew any physical intimacy after the first couple of years of marriage.
I worked away from home for the last ten years of my working life and he never once even said he missed me.
Hes not been diagnosed but our three children have dyslexia and my son is not a great communicator but is affectionate and loving with his partner.
Now that the children are adults with their own lives, I feel unloved and it’s even worse just now as we are downsizing. I can hold my own in any of the situation when he becomes aggressive but don’t want to live like this for the rest of my days. We saw marriage guidance and a psychologist years ago - a condition I imposed when returning. All I got out of it was - leave the room when he becomes argumentative- which works however does not reduce the number of outbursts. The psychologist and a friend have both said that he does love me. I’m sure he finds life very difficult in many ways and part of me hadn’t given up on trying to be there for him. Also I don’t have the energy to move out again.
If you’ve got this far in the story, any advice please, we are both suffering.
I’m through the worst. Now that I realise that I’m not all the bad things he called me, I can do anything. But what about you? Are you in a bad place just now? What’s an NT (sorry new to this) x
That's great to hear and you are most certainly not all the bad things he called you, in fact, you are the opposite and he knows it too, we just have a funny way of expressing it! You are a very compassionate person and I thank god for people like you in this world because if we were all autistic, then the human race would probably cease, although we do also have some pretty amazing qualities as well. Sorry, NT stands for nuerotypical, i.e. not autistic. Autistic people are often referred to as neurodiverse and non autistic people as nuerotypical, although some people like yourself are more neurodiverse due to the fact that you have a compassionate nature and an open mind. I'm in a good place now, like you, I have come through the worst and nothing will stop me now and this morning taught me that it's just strong emotions that throw me and my default mode is to run away and of course the ultimate running away is to kill myself. I've been in burn out for the past 12 months but I've also learned so much from this time and I am slowly rebuilding my life, so yeah, it's all good. Thanks for asking thought, I appreciate that X
Yes, that definitely makes sense. I have joined a local support group for autistic people and I loved it there, I felt so at home and can't wait to go back again on friday. My friend, who is also autistic, remembered that I am enjoying drawing and she sent me a link to a local art class that I am also going to check out and I am going to join the 'quirky choir', a group of people who enjoy singing who meet at a local art centre once a week to sing their hearts out :-) My intention is to get back into employment or to create an income but I have realised that my first step needs to be creating a support network and making it easy on myself by engaging in things I love. I have barely been out of the house for the last 12 months so I'm taking it easy but after connecting with you guys on here, I have been filled with so much enthusiasm because I finally feel supported by people who understand me. I have finally found my 'tribe' as they say and it feels soooooooooooooo good. I can't believe how valuable this support is and what an impact it is making on me already and for all the years I have been interested in learning how to draw etc, I have never done anything about it, until now! I probably won't go to the art class this week as I have a meeting with my work coach but I will definitely go next week. My life is really opening up for me and I'm so grateful and a lot of it is down to you guys, thank you so much.
Yes, somewhere in the world there will be people you can form relationships with. You just have to keep getting out there. May be focus on finding a group of people with a common interest so you can build a relationship around the common passion, rather than the person, if that makes sense.
Team work ;-)
Onward and upward. Thanks for taking the time to help me. Xx