Published on 12, July, 2020
So as a male with aspergers, I went to a work meal for once to try to "fit in" with people, it didn't work out that well in my opinion anyway... But yeah so we had our meals then the desert was the last one, then one of the colleagues (she is female a lot older than me) asked if she could have my cherries (I don't like cherries anyway so I said yes and offered them) While I was giving them to her my manager said "that's it, give her your cherries" then the other girls next to me laughed really badly and so did my manager after he saw them laugh and the other lady who I offered the cherries to but she did give my line manager a evil stare at first before she laughed, after that the others laughed at the other jokes as well what was said without me or my line manager getting involved. But is that a friendly joke what my line manager did or not? Is it rude? Targeted at me. I really hate these situations and that is why I didn't go to any of these meals the past few years because I knew it would make me feel like this annoyed, anxious depressed etc, or is it my social difficulties and I misunderstood the social stuff etc? I don't even know/get why it was funny. (My line manager is quite nice though well apart from the light teasing which I do not like so I'm never sure if he's being nice to me or not which is really frustrating as well)
Whilst I have been typing these responses to you, part of my mind has been mulling over how and when I learnt about this sort of thing, in an attempt to help you further. I can certainly understand you're feeling discouraged, but @Robert123 probably has a point when he suggests some studying to prepare yourself for this type of humour.
On occasion, Google Image Search is great for all sorts of things, (such as identifying a tropical snail, but that's another story).
Be aware that this suggested search is probably NSFW:
In this case, if you type "saucy seaside postcards" into Google Image Search, you should get quite a lot of very visual examples of this (dated and often very sexist) type of humour. The visual images should be enough of a hint for you to spot the double meanings, and generalise from there.
On the upside, the forms of this sort of social "entertainment" are quite structured, and can therefore be picked up with time, given such examples.
Quite whether you risk taking part in this sort of banter in a work setting is another thing entirely. If you wouldn't dream of saying something in the office, you probably shouldn't be saying it at a work social event after hours. In this respect, the manager probably ought to have known better, but if alcohol was present it can undeniably impair judgement on the spur of the moment.
Unless you have a friend or colleague who is honest with you about being autistic, and you genuinely like them enough to want to find out more. Like, for instance, if someone said to me 'I'm a narcoleptic' - I'd want to find out what I could about narcolepsy so that I might be able to understand a bit more about them and their condition, instead of laughing at them each time they dropped off to sleep, and ribbed them for being 'dozy'.
Don't think so either, for the simple fact that there's no need unless you are a parent of a child or partner of someone who is like that.
And my advice to NTs is - study, either a book or online, the various reasons why autistic people behave the way they do, and why NT humour and leg-pulling isn't always as much fun for NDs. That way, they can perhaps better understand NDs.
Somehow, though, I don't think that's going to happen.
Learned something too today then :)
Thank you all for explaining to me what it means, My mind is now calmer/at ease I think that's what it's called, I'm just less confused of the whole thing now! I'm really glad there are forums like this which exist so I kind of have someone to talk to/ask about stuff on here. Having aspergers sucks to be honest but then without it though I feel like I'll be missing a lot of my personality so there are positive and negatives in a way I suppose. I want to actually ask my line manager or get the right support because I don't even know how many people in the workplace are aware that I have aspergers. That would be a good thing for them to know so that they understand how much it effects me and why I find it difficult.
I knew I shouldn't of gone to that meal today, I don't know if I'll be ever going again anymore though because I still just feel quite upset that feeling that you know you're "different" but can't help it at all. My philosophy was always I was thinking to myself a few months before the meal deciding if I should go or not is "if you don't fit in, don't try to" I just felt nothing but quite hurt/upset from going to the meal today, it just annoys me that I just didn't understand a single thing during the whole 2 hour meal today and what was going on. I felt like an alien (like it does for probably most people with our condition, not in a rude way)
So yeah... overall I'll probably not go to any of the other gatherings ever again now, I'm just going to be on my own, work while they're having fun, then go home. :(
I tried today to just "mix" but it's just so difficult, every single social joke/situation, I just get confused even more what they mean and think they're offending me when they're not. Totally not their fault I guess, if only they understand but I suppose they think differently just like us. This is why I'm always "neutral"...
In the UK, it is quite an old (and now out-dated) custom to poke fun at the innocence of junior colleagues when they enter the world of work for the first time. So for instance:
The new apprentice in a factory might have been sent down to the stores for a long stand. Upon arriving at the stores, the store clerk (who was of course in on the joke) would reply with a straight face, "A long stand you say? OK, just wait there, I'll be back soon", before disappearing into the stores.
After a quite considerable time, the store clerk would reappear, with the words, "Well? Did you enjoy your long stand?" before laughing and asking if there was anything else you actually needed...
How upset you get if you are on the receiving end of this sort of mucking about rather depends upon your social resilience, and how well you can control your own feelings of embarrassment when you realise that someone has been playing a trick on you. These customs developed because people who had been tricked remembered the joke and repeated it themselves on the next generation to enter the workforce. It was a way of escaping from the boredom of repetitive work, albeit at someone else's expense.
Most of the time, after a bit of joking about, things settle down, because there is real work to do, and most people have a conscience which stops things getting too nasty.
Very occasionally, however, a more malicious dynamic is created, and repeated victimisation takes place, perhaps because the group sense that the butt of the jokes is identifiably different in some way.
That's workplace bullying.
Ok so I know they were probably all having a laugh,but it was not funny if you don’t know what it meant, basically they were drawing attention to Your innocence,which I think is a good thing to be as it shows you are a caring and considerate person who has not yet learnt all the ways of life.
As you are quite young compared to the lady who it was aimed at it is a typical joke thing to say in some circles. (Still not nice)
They were joking,but the joke was typical of adult banter when things approach subjects that are personal in nature.especially if alcohol is being drunk!
They probably use such phrases all the time so to them it doesn’t appear serious or really bad.
So it is a term used when a male or female first have their first ever physical relationship. It was first used for females but is now used for males as well.A sexual experience!
so to give someone your cherry should mean,that you have known the person for a long time and get to know them very well, if over time you get a feeling you could share your life with them and it feels like love and you have total trust and the feelings work both ways. It is a very intimate thing to give your body in trust for another to explore and share.
If you are both very sure that each want the same thing then a deep coming together of two beings may happen.
It isn’t something to rush into! It can be a difficult time, one or both may find it difficult to know what is expected or what they should do.In fact it doesn’t always finish as expected which can leave you or your partner feeling worried or hurt.
I hope you can feel that although they were laughing it was a small thing to say.wrong but in their world it isn’t so serious, so I like to think they were just joking and not trying to really hurt you.more embarrass you. Make you blush.go red in the face.
A lot of people seem to have little respect for others and it just gets worse as Society goes on.
Take care and try not to let it worry you.
Alright, I suppose we all had to have this sort of thing explained to us once upon a time.
Quite how nasty it might have been probably depends on context, including whether or not they had been drinking during the meal.
From what you've said, it sounds like an unwise attempt at https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_entendre during a mixed work gathering.
The manager made a comment which highlighted a double meaning from the older female. The underlying and probably wholly unintentional double meaning was that the older female was making a sexual advance towards you.
The evil stare was probably one or several of:
The laughter came from:
Read this.
https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/cherries
No. I recommend studying and understanding these phrases. Beforehand. So you won't get caught out when you're in company.
At school I first heard the phrase 'scraping the bottom of the barrel' in an embarrassing situation. Where two classmates came to blows. And I had no idea why. Until someone explained it to me.
But you can always only do that afterwards, isn't it? Can someone explain the cherry thing, if anyone gets it, in case there is something to get?
I don't drink and often find when others do (which is the normal situation at get-togethers) then anything seems to become funny, there's nothing to understand even.
The cherry in it's various guises is an idiom. My advice is to study, either a book or online the various idioms in common use so that you can better understand the humour NTs use.
I'd think it wasn't anything nasty, just the kind of banter you are supposed to find funny... I'm rubbish at that too, so I can certainly imagine how you feel.
Hi Neutral,
I can sympathise with your situation. I hate things like that. I've often felt like I'm the butt of people's jokes. I currently work with someone who takes advantage of my taking things literally.
Another colleague, who's more sympathetic, nonetheless was thoughtlessly leg-pulling with me on Friday. I was working with a service user who normally gets picked up at 4 pm (I work at a care day centre). By 4.20, his taxi still hadn't arrived - and I was getting agitated more for myself than for him, as my day finishes at 4.30 and I had things to do after he left. I rang her and she said she'd check. She rang back at 4.25 and said 'They're stuck in traffic and will be at least an hour.' I nearly dropped the phone. 'WHAT? AN HOUR?' I yelled. There was a pause. Then she laughed and said 'I'm joking. They'll be here in five minutes.' Great! Thanks very much for 'only joking' with me!
Fortunately, I've developed a bit of a line in repartee to get myself out of such situations. But it still infuriates me, and I still often feel I'm being laughed at behind my back.
I was wondering, reading what you've written, whether the 'cherries' thing referred to something else. Something a little crude. Maybe that's why they thought it was so funny.