Hi, I’m new to the forum and want to know if there are any women here online (I’m a female professional in my early 40s). From reading some posts you are out there but kind of in the minority....I am hoping to seek diagnosis very soon and would appreciate knowing I’m not alone out here..! Thank you
Hi im a female im 29 n from the uk
Hi I'm female newish here. Ive replied to a couple of blogs and even asked a question but then have no clue how to get back to find thread or replies, so apologies in advance if you never hear from me again. I have a 13 year old with Aspergers and going down that long diagnosis with him was like an awakening that I've got ASD too! Now considering asking for a diagnosis too, would seriously save me having to put the nt face on every day at work, so exhausting.
I'm fascinated about the "put the NT face on every day at work". It brings back memories from before my burn out, when I used to work. Do you work full time? It must be hard combining it with childcare?When I look back I like had trouble with like feeling I had to smile at everyone and always say hello every time you cross someone in a corridor (actually when you observe NT's I think there are unwritten rules (I read it somewhere in a book about ASD too) that you only have to smile and say good morning the first time you see them and afterwards you don't need to greet them)? But how do you cross someone in a corridor and not smile if you know they have seen you? Also as a teacher, I struggled because I felt I had to keep everyone happy and engaged all the time and was very sensitive to students' reactions.I also got frightened because there are some faces of people I saw less frequently (like higher bosses) I couldn't quite remember their faces and functions and I would avoid having to walk through their corridors because I was worried I would not recognise and appropriately greet (whatever appropriate is supposed to mean). It was only during and after my burn out that I also realised that things like the confusing lay-out of building, claustrophobia, windows not opening, too much glass and stimuli and constantly changing rota and rooms etc were crazy even for an NT. In a sense I think many people would benefit from adjustments to work to accommodate for ASD tendencies. Unfortunately for me when I tried to return to my job, the work physician said, oh well you don't want to make this official, just ask your boss for these things. And unfortunately the boss after a month said, well this has taken long enough, it is time to pull your weight again and stripped me from my "entitlements".
From your post I make up that if you had a diagnosis you would consider telling your boss you have an ASD? Some people advise against it, some people are pro. I just don't know what I'd do in a future workplace. Basically, it is discrimination if your needs aren't taken into account. On the other hand there is so much prejudice and misunderstanding- with the "oh you don't look it, don't let them stick a label on you, you are fine the way you are", through "we are all a little autistic" to being given the feeling that you are less because of the diagnosis.
I love hearing you guys share about yourselves. I relate to you so much. I'm not diagnosed but awaiting diagnosis but to be honest I don't think I even care about the label so much anymore because I know so deeply that I have Aspergers that if someone else can't see it or doesn't fit into a perfectly designed checklist I don't think I'll care so much. I have my version of it whatever that is.
The relief of knowing it of finding who I am has been immense. It's still a bit painful because I can't stop the honesty and the bluntness no matter how hard I try. If I am going to speak it's going to come out and I don't want to upset people. Mostly I don't but I can do especially if I am upset and I'm so over honest and it makes Neurotypcials feel uncomfortable I know it does - and then they go quiet and I know I've been a bit too much of 'me' and then I feel alone again. When they go 'quiet' it's kind of painful because then you know they've seen it raw and that happens more as I don't try to hide it so much.
I also make people laugh with the honesty and that isn't so bad. It can be humorous can't it! I say the stuff that people are thinking but probably not saying.
I'm never really personally unkind. I don't say someone is ugly or any of those kind of horrible personal comments - no that is not my brand of honesty.
All my life I tried to be like NT's and now I realise I don't want to be like them at all - in fact I positively wouldn't like to be them. They have to do so much dishonesty don't they, so much pointless talking for talkings sake, pretending or concealing what they feel or what they think? Is that normal, is that what we were meant to do? Maybe it's just easy for them. Maybe that 'hiding' is how they don't feel lonely but isn't that lonely anyway surely?
Hiding yourself, so people like you but you are filtering yourself so it's not really you. For me that is so tiring. I don't know I guess I can't understand them or how they experience everything differently, no more than a deaf person could imagine sound (I'm partially deaf - so allow me that analogy).
But I found some freedom in the fact that I like who I am and it's ok. This is ok, it's ok to be this. Hurrah! It's been liberating with a capital L.
I spent my whole life thinking that I wasn't ok - like my whole life! Pretending and acting and keeping quiet so that no one else could tell. All the acts and all the roles I play and I've kind of dropped them all. Some I take out of the bag if I have to but it's not so much anymore.
I'm 43 and as a teenager and in my teens I drank alcohol and it made me feel more 'like everybody else' - not quite but def not so on the outside . . . did anyone else do this? I don't drink anymore.
I've decided to tell people I'm ASD and to embrace it. They will only call it something else anyway so it might as well be what it is.
I'm so grateful to read your posts, each one I read makes me feel a little bit more OK to be me. You also make me laugh or smile because I understand what you are saying and it feels just like me.
Thank you :)
Thank you for replying. I work 4 days a week in a large HR department so know technically about 'reasonable adjustments' and work doing the right thing however also know the potential dangers letting work colleagues know if l do get a diagnosis. My manager is so unsympathetic, she says shes not touchy feely however we get on ok because I'm not either. I had to smile when you mentioned about not recognising faces I have always had that issue too.
So nice to feel 'normal' here with others experiencing the world like me. Like why do NT's say hello how are you when they don't care or even wait for you to say you're fine, it's just a throw away statement. I only say it when l want to know, which isn't a lot but at least it's genuine.
Ha! That is the classic! I don't do small talk. When I text I do not say "Hi, how are you, hope all is good" - if you got a text from me there will be none of that it would just be "what are you doing' or whatever but it would get straight to the point or reason for contact. I'm not going to ask you how you are unless there is some indication that you are not Ok! Then I care and I will be very concerned but asking just as a meaningless string of words, absolutely not! Sometimes I do have to do it but I get so impatient typing it out. I will never get this time back spent with these meaningless exchanges!
Oddly I can do it with very old people, very disabled people or children. I want to set those people at ease and so it has a purpose - does that make sense? Only really in those cases, not with regular adults. Regular adult do not need this coddling. ASD people don't like it anyway - usually.
They must get some benefit from it that I don't understand otherwise why would they do it?
I don't like people doing it to me either, I mean asking me how I am when they don't care. I find it all very awkward and uncomfortable to be honest. I also don't like 'hugs' goodbye from people that I don't really know that feels painful to me. I try to set the situation up to avoid it. As my husbands family are leaving I'm like "Was sooooo lovely to see you, must dash to the loo" or something along those lines lol
Also the kissing on each cheek thing! Yuk.
Way too much personal space invasion for my liking. And talk of the weather . . .please! You know it's getting bad when there is weather talk!
I get the sense that they are uncomfortable with silence and so they just fill it up with chitter chatter. I wonder why they do that. I must ask one or is it just a habit?
I also don't like those kind of 'digs' with hidden meanings or feigning of concern and affection either.
I just don't like any kind of dishonesty or insincerity and all of it feels insincere and I can't wait to get away.
I sound terrible, now I am letting this 'thing' out and seeing it in typed words I realise it must sound so awful. All of this is usually 'my thoughts' and that takes me back to the life long mantra of "I am not nice" "I am not nice". I think I've realised that no I'm not but I am real and if say something to you then it's genuine and if I care or enquire then that too is genuine - it's not chitter chatter to fill up silence.