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Anyone else HATE it when someone flirts with you? Is this an ASD thing?

Deconstructing_Danielle

Still waiting for ASD diagnosis but scores are pretty certain, my kids are autistic and ADHD. I’m ADHD. 

my whole late teen/adult life I’ve struggled massively with flirting or any sort of sexual advances even the most respectful attempts. It’s like as soon as the confirmation goes off in my head “yes this person is flirting with you” my whole body just goes on high alert. I feel unsafe, cringe, mortified, like my skin is crawling and I just want to run away and never see that person again even if we know eachother well. 

eye contact is hard for me but with some people it’s INTENSELY hard. Men that I work with (male dominated field of work) who other people have made comments like “he likes you” “it’s obvious he fancies you” it’s like when I force myself to make eye contact with them it feels like they see right in me like some sort of xray vision and I feel exposed and scared. 

I always thought it was a body image thing as someone who has struggled with their weight on and off but I think it’s deeper than that. It’s like even when it is obvious that someone is attracted to me I don’t think of myself as someone that could/would be desirable and that all just adds to the clumsy awkward horrible feeling. 

is it just me?

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    That's similar to my situation - me and my husband also built our relationship by learning about each other and having interesting conversations. We were introduced by mutual friends who thought we'd be a good match, and they were correct.

    I always found flirting a bit amusing - like a slightly silly game. Also, if someone flirts a lot I'm not sure they can be trusted - if you were in a relationship with them, they might flirt with other people. I've seen flirty people get divorced a lot.

  • in reply to Goalkeeper

    Yes I agree - they know! 
    The Devon Price book (Unmasking Autism) talks about how they (NTs) sniff you out regardless of how much you pretend. They always know! 

    flirting kind of went over my head. I got plenty of male attention when younger, but never really knew what to do with it like the other girls. 

    I always chose the wrong person, went in too intensely, and then got hurt, dating was a complete trainwreck 

  • in reply to Deconstructing_Danielle
    Deconstructing_Danielle said:
    maybe I got a bit too good at psychotherapy after so many years of being told I can’t think my way out of feeling!?

    I did spend quite some time working on my emotions connection with my therapist which has proved very useful - it was very uncomfortable but the end result means I can connect when I want to and I recognise the emotions in myself and others much more readily now.

    I believe it takes a therapist with great skills in working with autists to make this sort of breakthrough though - it may be worth spending some time with a different therapist if you want to go down that route.

  • For very long time I used to take flirting as mobbing or it just felt weird and unpleasant and I never knew, what to do. I write it in the past because its my past experience.  I met someone wonderful and he is my husband, we don't flirt in a standard way that others do, so it is not an issue anymore.  I met him online first and our relationship built up based on interesting conversations, not just flirt and attraction. 

  • I mean people generally don't flirt with me and I'm not sure I'd actually realise if they were so this is a difficult question to respond to. I'm not very good at compliments and things. I'm not sure I'd say I hate them as such. They are nice to get, I'm just awkward and have no idea how to respond and then I feel really uncomfortable. So I'd imagine I'd feel similarly if someone was flirting. 

  • in reply to Iain

    Yeah I’ve had years of EMDR and psychotherapy so I am highly confident this is something at the foundational layer. 

    I went through a high masking period where it didn’t bother me as much but I think that was the pressures of trying to fit in and belong. I was never “good” at it and it never came easily but I didn’t have this aversion but I think now I understand my triggers and complex diagnosis it’s almost like I feel comfortable to allow myself to feel the aversion instead of masking it or drowning it out with alcohol. 

    maybe I got a bit too good at psychotherapy after so many years of being told I can’t think my way out of feeling!? 

  • in reply to Goalkeeper

    The eye contact thing you nailed perfectly that’s totally how it feels!!!

  • Deconstructing_Danielle said:
    when I force myself to make eye contact with them it feels like they see right in me like some sort of xray vision and I feel exposed and scared. 

    This makes me think there is a trauma response you are exhibiting - there is a subconcious fear being triggered causing you to respond this way.

    Most autists I have known have suffered trauma whether from some specific events or through an accumulation of lesser events over a sustained period.

    I actually thought I never had experienced trauma until I worked with a psychotherapist and they ended up digging up loads of childhood events that I had subconciously blocked from memory. Lots of school bullying, social rejections etc.

    I'm actually fine with flirting and did a lot myself when I was younger, although my skill levels with it and success were quite a mixed bag.

    It is probably worse for females as there seems to be a lot more predatory behaviour from men towards them.

    Have you had any experiences that may have resulted in you developing a strong aversion to the attentions of men? No need to post the answer here but more a question to ask yourself.

    Once you understand the causes then it becomes easier to work with a psychotherapist to process this and develop a healthier coping strategy.

  • It's not just you. I'm totally oblivious to flirting and eye contact completely freaks me out. I have a theory that some people can see there is something different about an autistic person - maybe it's a slightly distant look in the eyes or a kind of feeing of being present but not really present. Anyway, those who are alive to it can be a real problem - they nail you with their eyes. I mean, absolutely pin you to the flaming wall with them and it does my head in.

    Like others on here I'm not sure how I got into relationships (I'm 56 and haven't been single since I was 19) but I guess I've just been lucky enough to meet strong, modern women who told me that I was going to be in a relationship with them and being an easy going sort, I just kind of went along with it.

  • in reply to White_Dragon

    I feel a bit like that sometimes 15 years together and we met at work so I think that’s probably how because we had a shared interest and it didn’t feel unsafe?

  • Never really understood or got flirting. I fail to recognise it and wouldn’t have a clue how to do it. Completely lost on me. It’s a minor miracle that I’m married, still not sure how that happened..   

    I get the part about being desirable I certainly don’t think think highly of myself, quite the opposite