Anyone else HATE it when someone flirts with you? Is this an ASD thing?

Still waiting for ASD diagnosis but scores are pretty certain, my kids are autistic and ADHD. I’m ADHD. 

my whole late teen/adult life I’ve struggled massively with flirting or any sort of sexual advances even the most respectful attempts. It’s like as soon as the confirmation goes off in my head “yes this person is flirting with you” my whole body just goes on high alert. I feel unsafe, cringe, mortified, like my skin is crawling and I just want to run away and never see that person again even if we know eachother well. 

eye contact is hard for me but with some people it’s INTENSELY hard. Men that I work with (male dominated field of work) who other people have made comments like “he likes you” “it’s obvious he fancies you” it’s like when I force myself to make eye contact with them it feels like they see right in me like some sort of xray vision and I feel exposed and scared. 

I always thought it was a body image thing as someone who has struggled with their weight on and off but I think it’s deeper than that. It’s like even when it is obvious that someone is attracted to me I don’t think of myself as someone that could/would be desirable and that all just adds to the clumsy awkward horrible feeling. 

is it just me?

  • maybe I got a bit too good at psychotherapy after so many years of being told I can’t think my way out of feeling!?

    I did spend quite some time working on my emotions connection with my therapist which has proved very useful - it was very uncomfortable but the end result means I can connect when I want to and I recognise the emotions in myself and others much more readily now.

    I believe it takes a therapist with great skills in working with autists to make this sort of breakthrough though - it may be worth spending some time with a different therapist if you want to go down that route.

  • For very long time I used to take flirting as mobbing or it just felt weird and unpleasant and I never knew, what to do. I write it in the past because its my past experience.  I met someone wonderful and he is my husband, we don't flirt in a standard way that others do, so it is not an issue anymore.  I met him online first and our relationship built up based on interesting conversations, not just flirt and attraction. 

  • I mean people generally don't flirt with me and I'm not sure I'd actually realise if they were so this is a difficult question to respond to. I'm not very good at compliments and things. I'm not sure I'd say I hate them as such. They are nice to get, I'm just awkward and have no idea how to respond and then I feel really uncomfortable. So I'd imagine I'd feel similarly if someone was flirting. 

  • Yeah I’ve had years of EMDR and psychotherapy so I am highly confident this is something at the foundational layer. 

    I went through a high masking period where it didn’t bother me as much but I think that was the pressures of trying to fit in and belong. I was never “good” at it and it never came easily but I didn’t have this aversion but I think now I understand my triggers and complex diagnosis it’s almost like I feel comfortable to allow myself to feel the aversion instead of masking it or drowning it out with alcohol. 

    maybe I got a bit too good at psychotherapy after so many years of being told I can’t think my way out of feeling!? 

  • The eye contact thing you nailed perfectly that’s totally how it feels!!!

  • when I force myself to make eye contact with them it feels like they see right in me like some sort of xray vision and I feel exposed and scared. 

    This makes me think there is a trauma response you are exhibiting - there is a subconcious fear being triggered causing you to respond this way.

    Most autists I have known have suffered trauma whether from some specific events or through an accumulation of lesser events over a sustained period.

    I actually thought I never had experienced trauma until I worked with a psychotherapist and they ended up digging up loads of childhood events that I had subconciously blocked from memory. Lots of school bullying, social rejections etc.

    I'm actually fine with flirting and did a lot myself when I was younger, although my skill levels with it and success were quite a mixed bag.

    It is probably worse for females as there seems to be a lot more predatory behaviour from men towards them.

    Have you had any experiences that may have resulted in you developing a strong aversion to the attentions of men? No need to post the answer here but more a question to ask yourself.

    Once you understand the causes then it becomes easier to work with a psychotherapist to process this and develop a healthier coping strategy.

  • It's not just you. I'm totally oblivious to flirting and eye contact completely freaks me out. I have a theory that some people can see there is something different about an autistic person - maybe it's a slightly distant look in the eyes or a kind of feeing of being present but not really present. Anyway, those who are alive to it can be a real problem - they nail you with their eyes. I mean, absolutely pin you to the flaming wall with them and it does my head in.

    Like others on here I'm not sure how I got into relationships (I'm 56 and haven't been single since I was 19) but I guess I've just been lucky enough to meet strong, modern women who told me that I was going to be in a relationship with them and being an easy going sort, I just kind of went along with it.

  • Yeah some of it must go over my head cos at work my teams have reacted to something VERY overt and I’ve agreed it made me feel unsafe but then they have continued to highlight other examples that had clearly not even registered with me. When that was pointed out it made me feel a bit sick. 

  • Ah now I follow (I’m more of a pictures person when understanding things!) 

    yeah you’re so right! 

  • Flirting tends to go right over my head, unless its totally overt to the point of almost being abusive and then I won't like it.

  • I feel a bit like that sometimes 15 years together and we met at work so I think that’s probably how because we had a shared interest and it didn’t feel unsafe?

  • “OP is invariably NOT autistic” sorry I’m not sure what this means?

    I do see what you’re saying it’s like a limbo feeling that’s quite hard to navigate but for me that brings on massive impulses to just get out of the situation like I’m not safe. 

  • Yes and No.   

    It comes under the category of those things that you sort-of feel you perhaps should be getting involved in - that maybe you are missing out on if you don't.  

    On the other hand it feels weirdly unnatural.

    So you end up stuck in the middle - powerless and not knowing which way to turn.   Should you conform to the ways of 'normal' society or go with your gut feeling? 

    Thing is the other person you've met  is invariably NOT Autistic.  They won't or don't get the way your brain works.  They don't see this problem, this dilemma. 

    They just push ahead with this caveman/woman approach (sorry for the phraseology) as if it is normal and for everyone.   It isn't.


    Thanks for bringing this up.  I don't know that I've put in words accurately how I feel...   but I've tried.  Hope it makes sense.  

  • Never really understood or got flirting. I fail to recognise it and wouldn’t have a clue how to do it. Completely lost on me. It’s a minor miracle that I’m married, still not sure how that happened..   

    I get the part about being desirable I certainly don’t think think highly of myself, quite the opposite