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Anyone else HATE it when someone flirts with you? Is this an ASD thing?

Deconstructing_Danielle

Still waiting for ASD diagnosis but scores are pretty certain, my kids are autistic and ADHD. I’m ADHD. 

my whole late teen/adult life I’ve struggled massively with flirting or any sort of sexual advances even the most respectful attempts. It’s like as soon as the confirmation goes off in my head “yes this person is flirting with you” my whole body just goes on high alert. I feel unsafe, cringe, mortified, like my skin is crawling and I just want to run away and never see that person again even if we know eachother well. 

eye contact is hard for me but with some people it’s INTENSELY hard. Men that I work with (male dominated field of work) who other people have made comments like “he likes you” “it’s obvious he fancies you” it’s like when I force myself to make eye contact with them it feels like they see right in me like some sort of xray vision and I feel exposed and scared. 

I always thought it was a body image thing as someone who has struggled with their weight on and off but I think it’s deeper than that. It’s like even when it is obvious that someone is attracted to me I don’t think of myself as someone that could/would be desirable and that all just adds to the clumsy awkward horrible feeling. 

is it just me?

Parents
  • Deconstructing_Danielle said:
    when I force myself to make eye contact with them it feels like they see right in me like some sort of xray vision and I feel exposed and scared. 

    This makes me think there is a trauma response you are exhibiting - there is a subconcious fear being triggered causing you to respond this way.

    Most autists I have known have suffered trauma whether from some specific events or through an accumulation of lesser events over a sustained period.

    I actually thought I never had experienced trauma until I worked with a psychotherapist and they ended up digging up loads of childhood events that I had subconciously blocked from memory. Lots of school bullying, social rejections etc.

    I'm actually fine with flirting and did a lot myself when I was younger, although my skill levels with it and success were quite a mixed bag.

    It is probably worse for females as there seems to be a lot more predatory behaviour from men towards them.

    Have you had any experiences that may have resulted in you developing a strong aversion to the attentions of men? No need to post the answer here but more a question to ask yourself.

    Once you understand the causes then it becomes easier to work with a psychotherapist to process this and develop a healthier coping strategy.

Reply
  • Deconstructing_Danielle said:
    when I force myself to make eye contact with them it feels like they see right in me like some sort of xray vision and I feel exposed and scared. 

    This makes me think there is a trauma response you are exhibiting - there is a subconcious fear being triggered causing you to respond this way.

    Most autists I have known have suffered trauma whether from some specific events or through an accumulation of lesser events over a sustained period.

    I actually thought I never had experienced trauma until I worked with a psychotherapist and they ended up digging up loads of childhood events that I had subconciously blocked from memory. Lots of school bullying, social rejections etc.

    I'm actually fine with flirting and did a lot myself when I was younger, although my skill levels with it and success were quite a mixed bag.

    It is probably worse for females as there seems to be a lot more predatory behaviour from men towards them.

    Have you had any experiences that may have resulted in you developing a strong aversion to the attentions of men? No need to post the answer here but more a question to ask yourself.

    Once you understand the causes then it becomes easier to work with a psychotherapist to process this and develop a healthier coping strategy.

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    Yeah I’ve had years of EMDR and psychotherapy so I am highly confident this is something at the foundational layer. 

    I went through a high masking period where it didn’t bother me as much but I think that was the pressures of trying to fit in and belong. I was never “good” at it and it never came easily but I didn’t have this aversion but I think now I understand my triggers and complex diagnosis it’s almost like I feel comfortable to allow myself to feel the aversion instead of masking it or drowning it out with alcohol. 

    maybe I got a bit too good at psychotherapy after so many years of being told I can’t think my way out of feeling!?