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Holly

Hi. I’m officially diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, I have this problem where I don’t fully recognise myself as me. I mean I know who I am, it’s not a mental illness. But from a sight and sound view I don’t recognise myself anymore. I used to, when I was about 11-12, just as I started high school. That’s the last time I can remember really remembering myself as me. Since then I grew up obviously but now when I see my appearance in a mirror and hear my voice I can’t process it as being me, because that’s not me.

I realise a major part of Aspergers/Autism is not coping with change, it’s something I’ve never adapted to well and the fact I’m now rapidly approaching thirty I struggle with it more than ever and I don’t know what to do about it. It isn’t just my identity I struggle with – not sure that’s the right term – I also struggle with other changes, like changes to my routine. I have fashioned a near perfect routine in which my days never really change and if the routine is somehow broken I have a meltdown. Sadly I lost my sister in 2015 and shortly after this is when I sculpted my new routine, i.e., rarely going out and spending pretty much every day by myself as I’m too afraid to get close to people in case they leave or worse die. It’s led to me avoiding my family but it did create a new routine for me and I have been happier since.  

However my problem is not recognising me as me. I don’t really think it’s a huge deal, I don’t think about it much I just happened to wonder about it today because my sister told me my voice hasn’t changed when in fact I know it has changed a lot!

I hate change.

Parents

  • I understand what you mean about not recognising your physical appearance or voice as you. I think that a lot of us don't like having our photo taken (I certainly don't) and maybe that's because of this "disconnect". I had to be videoed doing a presentation at work once and I hated it. My voice didn't sound like me either.

    I feel that we have the "inside us" - known as our mind - and the "outside us" - known as our appearance - and some people have a problem reconciling the two. I don't know if this is an autistic only thing or if NT people experience it too?

    I think (although it's just my opinion) that NT people don't have this problem, because they seem to like posting "selfies" on social media and they seem to put a lot of value into appearance and ways of talking. But maybe I'm just using a cliche here - I'm not a scientist after all!

  • in reply to Lotus

    Everything that you say, I recognise as my truth too.  We don't need to be scientists, nor anything else, to know OUR OWN truths, and it is only if we express them here, without fear or favour, that we can establish the fact that we are not alone in our thoughts and feelings with some other souls here.  That type of personalised connection is invaluable to many of us....we need space, time and consistency to form the type of bonds with each other....that I think MANY of us seek here?

    There are many types of autists that I have seen pass through these pages over the years....some of them are like you and me [and forgive me if I choose to consider you to be very similar to me in your outlook, perceptions and writings here]).....and some of them who are very different to me.......but the VAST MAJORITY of us seem to have a central core truth [and only an idiot would try to define that, beyond saying simply....] that we are autistic.

    I hope that a safe, varied and tolerant environment can re-emerge here, where everyone can say almost anything, without getting shut-down by zealots or hubristic evangelists who only seem able to accept one "reasonable" autistic voice.  I think that it is healthy to read, see and hear a variety of individuals express their own PERSONAL truths here, and I hope that some of the more "out-there" folk are allowed to find this place to be sufficiently "out-there" and tolerant of their proclivities, to become regular and happy members here again.  Hope springs eternal?!

  • in reply to Number

    Thanks Number, I agree that we do seem to have a similar outlook on a lot of things and agree with your opinions about us expressing our ideas.

    The only reason I said it was just my opinion and that I'm not a scientist in the final paragraph was because that section expressed my ideas about what NTs are like and that maybe they are different to us in that they don't have this "disconnect" I described - but I have no scientific data to back this up. I also don't know if this affects all autistic people, so it would be good to hear what others think & feel about this.

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  • in reply to Number

    Thanks Number, I agree that we do seem to have a similar outlook on a lot of things and agree with your opinions about us expressing our ideas.

    The only reason I said it was just my opinion and that I'm not a scientist in the final paragraph was because that section expressed my ideas about what NTs are like and that maybe they are different to us in that they don't have this "disconnect" I described - but I have no scientific data to back this up. I also don't know if this affects all autistic people, so it would be good to hear what others think & feel about this.

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