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Late Diagnosis

DinoMitePink

I am very new to this so I have no idea what I'm really doing. 

I'm a 22 year old female who got diagnosed with autism last May. Autism was not anything I had considered before, despite many online tests telling me otherwise I didn't bat an eyelid at them and assumed I cant be autistic. I have been in therapy since I was 16 (inconsecutively due to wait times) for anxiety and depression but I always felt different and that there was something else. Last year my current therapist told me she thinks I have autism and with my permission she would like me to get diagnosed, I was desperate for an answer so of course I said yes and in May I was told. 

I feel like since being diagnosed my eyes have been opened and a lot of things makes so much sense but it has also been a very hard pill for me to swallow. I sometimes see autism as a burden and confuse myself into a fit of who I am. What part of me is me and what part is because Im autistic? Im trying to change my mindset to I am me because Im autistic but sometimes this doesnt help either. Sometimes I will cry for hours because I dont want to be autistic and I feel like no one arounds me understands as I dont know anyone else autistic. I have always struggled with friendships and currently have none which often makes me feel lonely and frustrated, and I blame autism. I blame autism for a lot of things and think if I was neurotypical I wouldnt feel this way, but I dont know how to stop blaming autism and stop seeing it as a burden on my life. 

I am currently undergoing an apprenticeship and I find myself really struggling with the style of work as it is very much self-taught and I often find my brain cannot fathom learning on its own, again I dont know if this is because im autistic but I find myself blaming autism all over again. I know im smart enough to do the work but then I sit frustrated for hours staring at a blank screen because I dont know how to form a sentence and I dont know how to change that. I went through education, and came out with good grades but I struggled all the way through espeically when it came to writting down my knowledge. Is this common in autism? 

I dont even know if this makes sense or if anyone will be able to relate to how I feel, I think because I have just been diagnosed this is all still new to me and its a big change that I dont know how to manage that. Sorry for the long post its very hard for me to communicate how I feel about being diagnosed and I want to clarify I never regret being diagnosed as it has helped answer a lot of everyday questions and made me a lot less hard on myself. It did feel like a weight off my shoulders being diagnosed I just now feel I dont know what to do with the information. 

Thank you if you read to the end, I would love an advise or opinions.  

Parents

  • Hey there, kinda relate to what you feel about it being a hard pill to swallow, I’m not diagnosed myself but teaching myself about autism and reading a lot of other people’s experiences I’m pretty sure I am, that and it’s ticking all the right boxes in a eye popping fashion. But it’s genuinely not something I accepted into my world before a few weeks ago? Recent pressures in my life, my mother dying was one thing and me finding her is as you can imagine, fairly traumatic. My Nan also passed away a few weeks ago. All I can describe the feeling is as if I’m emotionally and spiritually dropping to my knees in defeat. I thought I was the one in control of my own emotions? And my sense of self is like a roller coaster at the moment, personally i have become almost too aware of how I behave now towards others which is without emotion a lot of the time. 

  • in reply to Autismman

    I really didnt want to offend anyone by posting this because I feel like all the posts I have read on here are people who have come to terms with their diagnosis and are at peace with it (like I mentioned I am new to this and Im sure there are people out there like this just not anyone I have found). I know exactly what you mean about becoming over aware of your behaviours but I am the opposite as I am very overly emotional and I have a strong lack of control over how I am with people. Since being diagnosed I feel more aware of this and knowing the reason hasnt helped in a way I thought it would. 

  • in reply to DinoMitePink

    Thank you for the reply, you won’t offend anyone, it’s a good quality to care about others. There’s a lot more people struggling here also, ironically the spectrum isn’t black and white. You’ve come to the right place, I’ve been here a few days and I’ve only had good experiences so far!

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  • in reply to DinoMitePink

    Thank you for the reply, you won’t offend anyone, it’s a good quality to care about others. There’s a lot more people struggling here also, ironically the spectrum isn’t black and white. You’ve come to the right place, I’ve been here a few days and I’ve only had good experiences so far!

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