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Late Diagnosis

DinoMitePink

I am very new to this so I have no idea what I'm really doing. 

I'm a 22 year old female who got diagnosed with autism last May. Autism was not anything I had considered before, despite many online tests telling me otherwise I didn't bat an eyelid at them and assumed I cant be autistic. I have been in therapy since I was 16 (inconsecutively due to wait times) for anxiety and depression but I always felt different and that there was something else. Last year my current therapist told me she thinks I have autism and with my permission she would like me to get diagnosed, I was desperate for an answer so of course I said yes and in May I was told. 

I feel like since being diagnosed my eyes have been opened and a lot of things makes so much sense but it has also been a very hard pill for me to swallow. I sometimes see autism as a burden and confuse myself into a fit of who I am. What part of me is me and what part is because Im autistic? Im trying to change my mindset to I am me because Im autistic but sometimes this doesnt help either. Sometimes I will cry for hours because I dont want to be autistic and I feel like no one arounds me understands as I dont know anyone else autistic. I have always struggled with friendships and currently have none which often makes me feel lonely and frustrated, and I blame autism. I blame autism for a lot of things and think if I was neurotypical I wouldnt feel this way, but I dont know how to stop blaming autism and stop seeing it as a burden on my life. 

I am currently undergoing an apprenticeship and I find myself really struggling with the style of work as it is very much self-taught and I often find my brain cannot fathom learning on its own, again I dont know if this is because im autistic but I find myself blaming autism all over again. I know im smart enough to do the work but then I sit frustrated for hours staring at a blank screen because I dont know how to form a sentence and I dont know how to change that. I went through education, and came out with good grades but I struggled all the way through espeically when it came to writting down my knowledge. Is this common in autism? 

I dont even know if this makes sense or if anyone will be able to relate to how I feel, I think because I have just been diagnosed this is all still new to me and its a big change that I dont know how to manage that. Sorry for the long post its very hard for me to communicate how I feel about being diagnosed and I want to clarify I never regret being diagnosed as it has helped answer a lot of everyday questions and made me a lot less hard on myself. It did feel like a weight off my shoulders being diagnosed I just now feel I dont know what to do with the information. 

Thank you if you read to the end, I would love an advise or opinions.  

Parents

  • Hey there, kinda relate to what you feel about it being a hard pill to swallow, I’m not diagnosed myself but teaching myself about autism and reading a lot of other people’s experiences I’m pretty sure I am, that and it’s ticking all the right boxes in a eye popping fashion. But it’s genuinely not something I accepted into my world before a few weeks ago? Recent pressures in my life, my mother dying was one thing and me finding her is as you can imagine, fairly traumatic. My Nan also passed away a few weeks ago. All I can describe the feeling is as if I’m emotionally and spiritually dropping to my knees in defeat. I thought I was the one in control of my own emotions? And my sense of self is like a roller coaster at the moment, personally i have become almost too aware of how I behave now towards others which is without emotion a lot of the time. 

  • in reply to Autismman

    I really didnt want to offend anyone by posting this because I feel like all the posts I have read on here are people who have come to terms with their diagnosis and are at peace with it (like I mentioned I am new to this and Im sure there are people out there like this just not anyone I have found). I know exactly what you mean about becoming over aware of your behaviours but I am the opposite as I am very overly emotional and I have a strong lack of control over how I am with people. Since being diagnosed I feel more aware of this and knowing the reason hasnt helped in a way I thought it would. 

Reply
  • in reply to Autismman

    I really didnt want to offend anyone by posting this because I feel like all the posts I have read on here are people who have come to terms with their diagnosis and are at peace with it (like I mentioned I am new to this and Im sure there are people out there like this just not anyone I have found). I know exactly what you mean about becoming over aware of your behaviours but I am the opposite as I am very overly emotional and I have a strong lack of control over how I am with people. Since being diagnosed I feel more aware of this and knowing the reason hasnt helped in a way I thought it would. 

Children
  • in reply to DinoMitePink

      There's many here who are yet to be diagnosed, or haven't been diagnosed with all they could/should be yet.  Many who are still on a journey of self-discovery.

    What tends to happen is you may hear more from those who are possibly comfortable at the stage they are at, or those who have current issues.  

    There's no hard and fast rule re emotions and autism.  I've known some that have very few (visible) emotions, whereas I tend to be all over the place, and cannot really explain why logically.  Emotional dysregulation is a thing, of course, and being overwhelmed and isolated adds to that.  

  • in reply to DinoMitePink

    Thank you for the reply, you won’t offend anyone, it’s a good quality to care about others. There’s a lot more people struggling here also, ironically the spectrum isn’t black and white. You’ve come to the right place, I’ve been here a few days and I’ve only had good experiences so far!