Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, im just gonna start typing and hope someone reads it.
Me and my ex were officially together for 8 months, and we broke up 4 days ago, I genuinely dont understand why it happened and it hurts, so im here for advice.
So we started having relstionship trouble about 2 weeks ago, prior to this we never had any serious disagreement and life was pure bliss being with her.
Two weeks ago, my ex, her female friend and her guy friend went to our local bar to hangout. She didn't have any drinks but her friends likely did. Her friends met another guy they knew at said bar from out of town ill call him Paul. Paul asked them all if they wanted to come back to his place in Orange, TX (45 min drive from where we live + different state). Her friends say yes and so she agreed as well even though she didnt know Paul, she trusted her friends. The time now is 2 am and my girlfriend is about to ride to another man's house, that neither of us know, in a whole nother state.
I randomly wake up at early that morning at 6:30 and check my phone to see that she hadnt messaged me that she made it home. So, i got on Life360 (location sharing app) to see where she was at and my heart immediately sunk to my stomach. I went into panic mode and starting having thoughts that she was abducted or drugged so I do the only thing i could do and called her. I call and she picks up in about 3 seconds, I ask "Why is your location in Orange?" "Oh we went swimming with *Redacted*". My panic immediately turns to anger but I don't lash out on her because that wouldnt help anything, I calmly said "ok, wish you told me" and hung up. This is where our relationship started to take a turn. I was so mad I was thinking I should break-up with her because she thought something like that would be ok. We also had a disgreement a week before where a girl I knew talked to me for 5 minutes at work and she got upset with me, so this situation just had hyprocrite written all over it. We had a long talk about this so I squashed it and got focused on getting us back to the lovey-dovey couple we were.
Fast forward about a week later, I had gotten over that situation after a lot of apologies. She was somewhat hard on herself ,so I ended up being the supportive one in the situation and I would tell her that "It's okay we have to disagree to get closer to each other, its natural" things like that. The weekend gets closer and that means its time for her to hang with her friends again. She hung out with her friends Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday ( the only day I got time with her that week) and each time she was with them, I would get 0 texts, 0 communication, 0 cares in the world. So, following into the new week after trying my hardest to mend our previous disagreement, there was one day where she said she would be going to watch a movie with one of her girlfriends and that she'd be home that night. I was proud because I could see she was trying to communicate and I thought we were getting somewhere. I woke up that morning and what do you know, she had never arrived home and her location was still ar her friends house. So, knowing that she had probably been up all night I didnt say a word that morning, I waited and waited to see if she'd show me the slightest care about me and tell me she ended up staying the night or good morning, but she never said anything.
It was at that moment I started feeling like if she was with her friends, she straight up just didn't about me that much and it hurt. But, we had work later that day (we work together) so I figured maybe she would just tell me in person. I pick her up and she gets in the car, she made a comment about her our shirts we matching but I couldn't care less about that in that moment. I wanted to know why she wasn't telling me things anymore. We get to work and I really lose my cool, I start texting her and ultimately ask if she still wanted to be with me because she would tell me sorry, but continue doing the same things. She said "yes, but we arent as close anymore" . I say "You know how we get closer? Interacting with each other. Not this radio silence we have going on." I realized I was getting upset and stopped the conversation and said we should talk after work. I did notice that she had cried, quite a few times she would go back and forth to the bathroom, I also cried a few times when I would look at her but thats not important. Towards the end of the shift I noticed her whole demeanor changed as she was taking selfies for her snapchat streaks when I felt we were supposed to be in more serious type of vibe. Whatever Im sorry Ive never made a post on any forum before lets get to the end.
We get out of work and get into the car. I ask if she has anything to say, she says no. So as usual its gonna be up to me to fix this situation. We talk for a long time and cry for even longer but the long story short is this. She feels like friendships and a relationship are equally important in her life. I strongly disgreed because I feel like I would be the one with her almost everyday, the one who fathers our children, and the one who would be there when we eventually die ,HOWEVER i respected her values and said if she could balance the two then maybe we could find a resolution. She felt like while being with me and hanging out with me she was actively losing all of her friends, and said that she loved doing random spontaneous things like staying out until 8am to swim with random people. I told her that even that I could accept, I just wanted to be communicated with while shes doing it. I kept trying to find ways and workarounds we could fix things but it was like she already gave up before even trying. So ultimately i said " Well we have two options at this point, you can balance me and your friends see me on some days see me on others, or we have to just breakup because I dont see any other resolution." She said she couldnt balance it and wasnt willing to attempt it either. So right there we ended it, and both cried in silence for about 10 minutes. Eventually she said, "Im gonna go see my cats, and sorry." And i drove off feeling every emotion possible. That night we also both changed our discord profile pictures to something else because we had a matching one before.
Next day, just as I had thought there was nothing said between us for most of the day right up until the end. I felt a strong sense of "I cant let it end like this". I didn't want to let her go after I had put so much time and care into what we had. I learned so much about autism and found that I display some of the same things she did. I also took care of things that were just hard for her too take care of. Id remind her to take her birth-control daily, take her to pay her bills to make it more fun, ask her how her mindset was and if she was ok even if i knew she was, FEED her (she gets to lazy to order it), all sorts of things that I was happy to do because I loved her more than anything.
I texted her one last time and asked if she really wanted it to end like this without even trying to work it out "I dont know" she said. I told her i didnt want to replace her or be replaced by her.
She said " i hear u, but i just wanna be left alone. i cut my friends off in the beginning of the relationship, cancelled so many hangouts to be with u… imo friends are most def important and i didn’t treat u right bc i was treating them important."
I said" I believe they are important, I just wanted you to communicate with me with what your doing."
I sent her a month old message showing that just a month ago she was saying how id be her future husband and her, my future wife. I said "You said i was your rock, your universe, your future husband, your true love." She stopped responding. I gave her some time to respond but she never did so i sent one last one saying goodbye. Checked all of my socials, and im unfollowed on every single one and any pictures I was in are gone, so I did the same.
Theres a few more things like yesterday she showed up to work with an entirely different hair color, but I just ignored her and everyone around me for that matter as well. Other than that here we are. The only think I can think of that would make her change so fast is her new friends, but its just an assumption at the end of the day. Thanks for reading and sorry again for how hard im sure it was to read.
Everyone is different. It's my belief that if you commit to someone you share everything with them and put their feelings before your own or anyone else's - they are your friend too, and should be your best friend. But I am aware that not everyone agrees with me.
I just wondered why were you not hanging out with her and her friends? Had she not introduced you to them? If she was only meeting up with other girls I could understand it, but as it was a mixed group I don't see why you were not invited to party with them?
It really depends on your motives. If you are genuinely concerned for her welfare, all well and good. If you are more interested in her as a piece of property that you need to exercise control over, whose behaviour might reflect badly on yourself, then not so good.
But i also cant show yall our relationship like some sort of movie replay, all yall have to go off of is what I typed, so thanks for ur advice anyway.
I think if i had control issues i would try and prevent her or convince her to never go out and have fun with anyone. That isnt my problem, the problem is when youre god knows where at 4 am without saying anything, how could i not worry about something like that?
Uh-oh, sounds like she cheated on you...
Regardless I hope you work it all out I wish you all the best.
Yeh this seems to be common in autistic people I don’t know what it is buddy but autistic people can struggle with emotions and relationships and as you say with your GF they want time to themselves a lot. I think it’s because they get overwhelmed so they want time to process things. Autistic people tend not to like the closeness of relationships much. I for one find them quite suffocating at times. I know it’s because I’m just an anxious lad. It sounds like maybe she’s going a bit too hard on the liquor if she is drinking that often. Do you think that could be contributing to her arguments and behaviour towards you. You may have to think about yourself buddy and let her go. Maybe find a girl who has her stuff together. I know it’s hard though. I had to reject a girl I had real feelings for as she was going down a bad path and stuff. It wasn’t meant to be unfortunately.
Martin said:I think that you have control issues.
Agreed, but there has to be trust and she has broken that implicit agreement by hanging out in too many suspicious situations in my opinion.
She has drifted away from you and sounds like you have become too boring for her - she is enjoying the overnight parties, the night swimming (did she even have her costume with her?) and spending a lot of time parting without you.
Did you have that vibe when you first met of were you her "rock" because you were stable and predictable.
My experiences of that age were that girls were more into the bad boys - the rule breakers and exciting types and were not looking for stable relationships as much as some fun.
I even tested the hypothesis and met a girl, treated her badly and she kept chasing after me and always wanted more. When I eventually became more "myself" and stable then she lost interest and found someone else (a pilot) who would treat her poorly.
It doesn't apply to all by any manner but it was an interesting if somewhat unethical experiment.
The point is, some people have different needs and it sounds like you are not meeting hers.
In this case I would stop chasing her and move on - she is clearly checked out of the relationship from what you describe and you deserve better.
I can’t fully agree with you. I had a partner who was too much clingy and wanted messages from me constantly, updates about what I’m doing everyday although we weren’t even living together. That was too much and I told him. I finally broke up with him. But I think it’s also not too much to ask for some updates, especially if his partner goes somewhere in other state, to some strangers place… does not come back the whole night. Isn’t it normal to be worried for the beloved one if they are not coming back for night and not even sending one text? When my ex asked me to give him updates constantly, send messages and play the lovely dovey then yes it was too much, it’s also different to ask for some balance between the partner and friends, and different to forbid someone from seeing their friends. My ex tried to stop me from seeing my only friend I have. It was one of the main reasons why he is my ex now. But I think just saying that the author of the post has control issues is unfair, of course we are just strangers in the internet, but from what is described there I would say the author is right at least partially. Other thing is that maybe they don’t fit each other. It also happens.
I don't know what top say other than at 20 I found the opposite sex and sating such roller coaster.In the end I decided I would stay single all my life and I love that.
Equally the other side if you find your soul mate must be wonderful.I just think at 20 when you want to go to bars go clubbing drink all night it is very difficult to area long term relationship.
I think although it hurts enjoy being single go out with your friends do the things you like try and progress your career.
Hope this helps and good luck you must be in a lot of pain
I have to agree with Martin. Partners have to be completely free to do what they want at all times. Otherwise they are not partners, but a thing that you own. This works both ways. Hopefully this is a learning experience for you and you understand from what Martin says. Breakups are always really painful and a sad part of life.
I think that you have control issues. A girlfriend, even a wife, remains an autonomous human being and their autonomy should be respected. You were treating your girlfriend a bit like a 'long distance jailer', using her phone like the ankle-tags felons on probation are sometimes forced to wear. Are you really surprised that she felt resentful?
From an autistic point of view, once a relationship is formed we tend to see it as unchanging, the constant maintenance that allistic (non-autistic) people do to keep relationships going seems like wasted effort to us, and it just doesn't occur to us to do it. Expecting an autistic partner to be continually checking on how you feel and making little gestures is just unreasonable, it isn't how autistic brains work. BTW, autistic partners tend to be much more reliable and faithful than non-autistic partners, so your obvious fears on that count were almost certainly unfounded. Autistic people find it difficult to make friendships, this results in those friends we have being very important to us. Making an autistic person choose between friends and yourself is just unfair, and horribly egotistical.
Sorry for being blunt, but I think that you need to work on yourself and your attitudes before trying to mend your relationship.
She still wants you. Take a leap of faith. Next time you see her run up to her and hug her.