Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, this is my first post and I'm coming from a place of asking for some advice, if possible! I apologise in advance for the tremendous long post.
I'm an AFAB in her 30s, struggled a lot since I'm around 13 and I have been now in therapy for around 7 years.
Around a year ago, despite trying to really work on myself through therapy and really taking it at heart, frustrated by the usual cyclical breakdowns that seem to happen every few months, I started formulating the idea I might be neurodivergent. With research, things started to make a bit more of sense and I, as it happens, started a rabbit hole of research about autism and adhd, done all the online screenings online multiple times, and so one..
The tricky part is that I have been diagnosed bipolar at 18, depression with borderline traits at 22, and finally BPD a few years after. Mind you, thinking back I believe those diagnosis weren't done in a very effective way and definitely not in an a differential manner. And I also believe that I don't really fully fit the criteria anymore of any of those!
My therapist is of the school of thoughts that it doesn't really matter what diagnosis I have and that we can work together in any case, which has been incredibly helpful, especially as I tend to wrap myself into the stigma around them and, well, I have received a few by now... This leaves me in a very tricky place as partially I worry I'm wrapping my head around the autism diagnosis (even though it somehow feels different than the other ones I've received) and I also feel I can't really bring it up in therapy as it might look like a "distraction" from the therapeutic work.
On the other hand, I'm terrified of following this up with GPs as, first, I get really anxious talking to them, second, I am not sure that the assessment offered will actually be differential (given my history with them), third, I am worried of just receiving another one to add to the list that won't make any difference at all. Plus, I'm in the middle of one of my breakdowns right now which is making these kind of anxiety provoking tasks very hard to follow through.
I also have other people in my life that really feel I should prioritise the diagnosis just to get rid of the doubt, so that I can finally prioritise either trauma work or making accommodations and seeking the right kind of help.
Amidst all of this, I'm stuck in a cycle of overthinking and nothing gets decided... I thought of asking here as maybe neurodivergent people might have some insight in what's the best course of action as I don't have anyone irl I can ask an opinion to and also.. Maybe someone can relate?
Thank you very much even just for reading!
welcome to the community! It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling stuck and overwhelmed. If you don’t feel BPD or Bipolar is an accurate diagnosis, you’re absolutely right to question it. It’s also worth noting that a lot of people are misdiagnosed with either bipolar or BPD when actually they are autistic, particularly born females. Here is a link to some useful info about BPD v Autism: https://embrace-autism.com/its-not-bpd-its-autism/
My experience is similar to yours, and felt like my BPD diagnosis was given very quickly and that it wasn’t properly considered. However since having further assessments I believe it probably is an accurate diagnosis alongside my autism. Although since my autism diagnosis last year, I’ve still be questioning whether BPD is correct or not. I have been having treatment in a therapeutic community, which is group therapy. I’ve been doing it 4 months but seem to be struggling with it still, which I put down to difficulties with my social skills etc. However the therapist often comment that I’m not trying hard enough and I’m letting myself down by not talking more in groups, which I find quite difficult to hear and they don’t consider my difficulties associated to my autism. I’ve therefore stop treatment and will consider support to help me understand my autism. Mental heath services try and fix us by changing the way of thinking and managing in situations, whereas being autistic it’s not us who should change, it’s the world around us, so it can be damaging to try and “fix” us, as that in essence is masking. I have also found it difficult to talk about autism in group therapy, and got the same response as you and told it’s just a label, when in fact, it’s important to find out the real you and whether you’re autistic or not.
autism assessments are also thorough, and they look at a lot of history, speak to an “informant” (someone who has known you since childhood) and run through series of tasks to see if you brain is thinks differently to a neurotypical person. It’s more reassuring as you know the assessment is looking at a lot of things rather than a psychiatrist just simply giving you a BPD diagnosis within 10 minutes of seeing them.
You should continue to explore this and ask for an assessment with your GP. Think about what you consider could be autism and why you think an assessment would be helpful. Complete the AQ10 and give them a copy at your appointment so it shows your score. It will likely be a long wait for an assessment, but use that time to keep researching autism and your own traits.
let us know how you get on
Thank you very much for the welcome and reply, your journey feels very close to home!
I did just type in a thorough reply and it just ended up vanishing, so here's the second take.
AJ90UK said:https://embrace-autism.com/its-not-bpd-its-autism/
I did have a good look at this, I find the website extremely helpful, thank you
AJ90UK said: very quickly and that it wasn’t properly considered
Same here, it was an interview with a medical student in which I brought up BPD...I wonder now if I possibly was myself looking at the wrong direction, but I also realise that, especially at the time, there were a few things that really resonated with the presentation of BPD so I can see how it went.
AJ90UK said:I’m not trying hard enough and I’m letting myself down
Interestingly, I've been considering therapeutic communities as well as an option, I'm sad to hear it's not working out greatly, but I also fear I would have similar issues. And the quote really hits a spot, as I'm still trying to figure out when it's the right time to challenge myself and when it's time to just have a rest and reharge, a concept that I'm really struggling to communicate with my therapist and agree on!
AJ90UK said:It’s more reassuring as you know the assessment is looking at a lot of things rather than a psychiatrist just simply giving you a BPD diagnosis within 10 minutes of seeing them.
This is very reassuring to know, thanks
AJ90UK said:. Complete the AQ10 and give them a copy at your appointment so it shows your score
The GP is actually waiting for my AQ10 and the ADHD screening but I've been paralysed by the anxiety of sending them...
Thank you again for this, it's very heartwarming to see people taking their time to reply and even just having similar stories is somehow really grounding.