Published on 12, July, 2020
Trigger Warning : Past SA and Cringey Relationship Issues!
HElla,
I'm looking for some advice. It’s a bit of a grown up subject but I’ll keep it as least cringey as possible.
I’m about to turn 26f (about to turn 27 on Sunday) and I’ve just entered my first relay relationship with a guy that not on the spectrum. He’s a great guy and I really like him. The only thing is he’s very hands on affectionate. Whilst I don’t mind cuddling and kissing, he wants to tongue kiss all the time and I really can’t get over the sensory issue of it. I’ve tried talking to him saying that it’s something I can’t really handle sensory wise but he’s made me feel so bad because he wants to be able to show his affection with tongue kissing. He’s took what I said really differently to how I’ve meant it. I don’t think he fully understands how difficult it is for someone with ASD to deal with sensory issues. I should also mention TRIGGER WARNING! I experienced some SA during my teen years that’s screwed me up. I can manage any other kind of intimacy except kissing with tongues.
I don’t want my boyfriend to make me feel pressured or bad about it, but I also don’t want to lose him over this, or make him feel upset that I’m not up for that particular activity. I don’t know what’s best to do. I can sense he’s mad about it, but I did state at the beginning of the relationship that I was diagnosed ASD and ADHD, and that I did have certain things I would struggle with. He did say we can take it at a slow pace but every five minutes during our last meet up, he just wanted to kiss me, even in the middle of eating. I believe thoroughly he’s on the spectrum too but undiagnosed as he struggles with relationships and things too, but he just isn’t getting what I’m trying to tell him. Other than that he’s a great guy and I want it to be a long term relationship, it’s just this one tiny hurdle we’re trying to deal with and find some in between. I’ve said I’m fine with it now and then but not like every five minutes. I think he may be just a tad excited as he’s also in a relationship after being out of one for so long, and I’m wondering if it’s just him trying to get his excitement out and dealt with.
any advice on how we can deal with things like this, and also to get over these issues would be greatly appreciated as I’ve been constantly thinking about it and even upset at the thought of him being mad about me being unable to cope with the tongue kissing.
Thanks in advance to any and all responses.
Treevey134777 said:He says he’s an affectionate person and likes to kiss, which is fine. It’s the frequency of it that gets to me a little
Are there any things he doesn't like you to do to him? Touch his face, stroke his hair, bite his earlobe etc?
If he has an ick like this then tell him it is analogous to this and when he tries to kiss you then do the thing he doesn't like and he will soon get the point.
Tell him he needs to respect your boundaries but try to be firm rather than angry when pushing back - he needs to understand this otherwise he risks losing you so this may be worth being explicit about.
It is probably just habit so will take a bit of time and practice to break but remember to give him positive feedback when he is showing improvement.
I remember my first experience of kissing with tongues. It was with someone who I felt was in too much of a rush to be physically affectionate. I didn't enjoy it and actually felt scared by it. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I felt really uncomfortable and unnerved. In my case, it wasn't that it caused me sensory distress as such. It was more the fact that I wasn't mentally/emotionally ready.Most people with experience of tongue kissing often say they found their initial experience of it to be unpleasant and disgusting. With practice and experience, it can gradually start to feel enjoyable. There's no law that states you have to kiss with tongues, so if it continues to cause you sensory distress, don't feel bad about creating boundaries and telling the other person that you would prefer to kiss without tongues.Based on my own experiences of intimate relationships, it's not uncommon for feelings of lust to take over early on in a relationship. I'm no expert, but I'm inclined to think this may be why your boyfriend wants to kiss you so frequently. This is fine if you're both feeling in an affectionate mood, but can be annoying if the affection you're receiving is to the extent that you feel suffocated by it.
Clear communication is key. For a relationship to work, it helps if both parties are on the same page and comfortable with the pace the relationship is moving at.
It's understandable. Hopefully you're able to put things across that helps you both.
Thanks for replying. We’ve been talking more about I’d since I posted this. We’re on a bit more of an understanding. He says he’s an affectionate person and likes to kiss, which is fine. It’s the frequency of it that gets to me a little. He’s worried it’ll affect the long term if he can’t show his affection the way he likes to. I don’t hate it, but I think I need more time to adjust and get used to it.
Have you expressed to him that it's a form of intimacy that you're not comfortable with? He shouldn't be forcing it on you, but if he doesn't know where your boundaries lie, then he may struggle.
I don't think you voicing that is a case of making him feel bad, it's just working something out that works for both of you.